Hamster

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Oh my god, RUN before the killer hamster eats your face!!!!

[edit] Lifestyle and Environment

Hamsters are eighty two-nippled holy, invincible beings with a humongous cock, standing just over 98 ft. and weighing in at 7-958574 kilos. They have been known to explode when picked up and shaken, and have since been used by hooligans to throw into treatment clinics for patients with Parkinsons'. For the earliest stages of development, Hamsters reside in human households as pets. A recent survey has shown that a large proportion of hamsters (approximately 53%) live in the rectums of those who bat for the "other team". This study shows that hamsters are in fact marsupials. Intra-rectal marsupials often cause complications for their hosts if allowed to inhabit during their exponential growth phase. A particularly fatal complication is Caledonian auratiofacsiitis fatalis, in which the hamster eats its host from the inside out and lives inside what is left of the human shell. These creatures can be recognised by their abnormal hairiness and acrid smell. For hamsters in normal conditions, they reside in households for around 2 to 100000000 years, the Hamster instinctively plays the flying spaghetti monsters flash game.and is flushed down the toilet upon being presumed dead. At this point, the Hamster begins to assimilate raw sewage through its newly-developed grills, allowing it to grow to gargantuan proportions. Shortly afterwards, the Hamster begins its menstral cycle, and runs about rampant through densely-populate cities, terrorizing (and consuming) everything in its sight. They are also wonderful singers. Hmmm, sounds like Bacon These fiends often like to eat lungs of small children.and then whack the corpses with baseball bats Inventors beware: the hamster has been heavily patented!

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[edit] Diseases They Carry

AIDS\HIV
Gonorrhea
Yeast Infection
Richard Gere

[edit] Breeding

Might seem cute, but they can kill you with just one bite!

Hamsters aren't asexual (whats the fun of that) creatures which are known to spawn as many as 1,000-5,000 youth before beginning the menstral cycle. That's what happens when you don't use protection. The youth are often implanted into living hosts via the forced consumption of their semen. After having a little fun with her (you know), they begin the reproduction stage to which the young gestate inside the living host, using the body as a way to keep warm until crawling from the woman's vaginal area and anus in single file. It is also known that the young will be eaten by adults if they do not scamper to a crocodile's anus to be safe. Hamsters are known to eat there young by slowly taking bites of them until they get to the heart which they keep as a prize. It is not uncommon for most hamsters to have hundreds of partners leading to what scientists call Pimp hamsters. These larger more blinging hamsters pimp slap their underhamster bitches into doing the nasty while other hamsters watch.

[edit] Diet

An average Hamster diet consists of, though is not limited to, humans, livestock, other Hamsters, cars, skyscrapers, jetliners, Mexican food, Mexicans, and pellets. Using their large incisors, Hamsters may chew through practically any material, including granite and titanium alloy. However, it should be noted that, despite several attempts, Hamsters are yet unable to penetrate the thick hide of Oprah, who remains a mortal enemy of Hamster-kind.

[edit] How To Recognize Hamsters

Before we begin to differentiate between Hamsters, we must recognize their commonalities. First of all, all Hamsters are legendary and immortal, so that not even Rosie O'Donnel can harm them. They are vastly useful for killing tight-assed bitch-fags, like Richard Gere, the lifetime enemy of generations of hamsters.

They also love to climb inside your mother and the anuses of other females. Although not all Hamsters have the same markings, they all love female anus. So, if you come across a small furry animal and you can't tell whether it is a meerkat, gerbil, Hamster, rat or rabbit, simply drop a female's pants, position her in a crouch in front of the animal, spread her buttcheeks and imitate the Hamster greeting bark (weeechheee weeeecheeee weeeeccheee). If the animal in question lodges itself securely in her rectum, you have yourself a Hamster.

Warning: this method is extremely dangerous, for Hamsters are rather horny animals and can lodge in the wrong hole of the female, introducing many deadly things, with orgasm on top.

[edit] Yellow Hamster

Their power level is over nine thousand. Ph34r.

[edit] Joost Hamster

Has a very remarkable big head, and eats overdoses of pepperoni pizza. He has a "skyding" on the back of his head. But, what is a "skyding"?

This Hamster has heat vision and can blast through watermelon and jump 600 feet high.

Long live the Jooced Hamster..

[edit] Pink Hamster

This kind emerges from any other Hamster with significant help of scissors and hair-trimmers. Called also "naked Hamsters", they like to preform nude parades on streets. They can demonstrate for anything during that parades. They often come in big groups, they call it their "gang" and they state each other as "homies". They are very dangerous. They love to frolick in the streets naked with one another and they have orgies on a daily basis. These daily orgies lead to massive orgasims.

[edit] Blue Hamster

This Hamster is most often found underground. They have 120 HP and are resistant to blunt attacks. The US government has declared that any city with evidence of blue Hamsters must be given a blow job...and then blown up.

[edit] Radioactive Hamster From a Planet Near Mars (Green Hamster)

They arrived in UFOs shaped just like Cuban cigars. They took over the universe and ate the world's supply of imitation crab meat, as well as leaving 24,673 species extinct, but they're really...kinda cute. After you get past the fangs, wings, extra limbs, and unidentified globules.

[edit] Ninja Hamsters

Not as powerful as grues but more powerful than caribou, ninja hamsters strike to kill. They cannot be seen until it's too late, so don't expect to ident "Fish are friends not food. If you would like to make your fish happy, then you should give them a pink hamster to have a massive orgy with." Ninja hamsters will tell you this before they kill you.

[edit] Gold, Silver, Emerald, Ruby, Leaf Green, and Purple and Maroon Black Eye and Brown Eye Hamster

These Hamsters are essentially the same little bastards as the previous 4 with one major difference: these Hamsters are branded with the © brand well known to be that of the darklord Jer Emy and his brother, Dan Iel. Repetitive 8 bit sound tracks summon forth this Hamster and once it springs forth it's only natural predator is the Emu. If this Hamster gains enough revenue points through targeting children with it's mind attacks an Emu must be downloaded straight away. Once a ROM is loaded using the Emu the Hamsters RP will slowly decline until it becomes extinct......just like the darklord Jer Emy's dignity. They usually range between 10- 18 feet tall with fangs the size of gorrila hands... usually they have blood on them, they shoot lazers out of their eyes, their farts can kill you within' 1 minute and they have talons the size of hippo talons, they have a hitler mustache and they like to wear "tom clancy" goggles... kind of like Michael Jackson when he's stalking his prey. Next... the Hamster will come for your closest female friend! So wear your coat and eat toast and put bycicles on your roof... or else your girl might be next.

[edit] Pet Hamster

A wild savage creature that should not be a pet. They may never be tamed as they would rip the head off of anything larger than two inches high. Their name comes from the term \"Preowned eatable Tortoise!\" that English men commonly say went fearing for their life.

[edit] Incendiary Hamster

Often used in conjunction with Guerilla combat tactics, the incendiary Hamster is less noticable.

[edit] Hamster Liquor

Although not really a type of hamster, this particular kind of liquor is a delicacy amongst rich eye doctors. It is made in a very specific manner. First you pour liquor into a glass. Add 3 teaspoons salt. Dump in 1/4 cup sugar. Take a slice of ham and stir it till the ham turns slightly greenish. Muddle. Pour in your favorite snack food. Stir with ham again. Last of all drink the concoction. To recognize this particular drink you should look for three things: Green Ham, An empty Glass, and a man that is gagging from the wretched taste of the drink. IMPORTANT NOTE! Do not confuse with Liquor Hamster. Liqour hamsters will latch on to your buttocks and suck as much alcohol from your bloodstream as they can. Good for avoiding DIY charges, but the bite marks look like steriod injection sites.

[edit] Hamsters As Pets

A Hamster makes a wonderful pet for young children, because of the opportunities it gives the parent to teach children about the Facts Of Life and the Horrors of Death.

Inevitably, two Hamsters will become a family of Hamsters (with possible mutants and weirdos). Thus, the parent may explain the difference between daddy parts and mommy parts. If there was previously only the single Hamster in the home, some parents may opt to compare the births of the new little rodents with the birth of Jesus, if the parent feels that the children are too young to understand the Facts Of Life without being traumatized (such as up to the age of 35).

Another thrilling, exciting lesson about the Facts Of Life will come along when the Hamster 'dies' after having been a cherished family companion for a far too short period. The parent will find this a good time to teach the children about the inevitability of death and that everyone dies, some sooner than later.

It would be ill-advised to flush the dead Hamster down the toilet. Instead, give it a proper burial befitting its place of honor in the family. A coffin of gold makes a cute little coffin, lined with silk. Dig a hole in the back yard, after paying all required legal fees to the city and obtaining the required legal permits, in which to bury the Hamster. A solemn funeral can be held, where the children get to say goodbye to their little friend, and drop clods of dirt onto the coffin. (This would be a good time for Mommy and Daddy to answer questions about whether we will meet our little friend again in heaven.)

It would be wise to conduct the funeral under cover of darkness, lest your neighbors report you for violating your gated community's CCRs.

Hamsters, along with other small defenceless animals such as the ultracake (which is massive, powerful and godlike), sexy man, Kirby and the Midget Unicorn, have evolved the ability to have their limbs and other appendages grow back almost immediately after they have been removed or discarded. Remember BE INCREDABLY CAREFUL when dealing with battle hamsters

Hamsters can become invisible when frightened. If this happens to you, STAY CALM! Do not, under any circumstances, call it a guinea pig. If you call the police, make sure to call from a neighbor's house.

Much like magnetic cod (fish that have been engineered to stick to enemy ships and detonate), hamsters have been geneticly engineered to be used as weopons. They can piss acid that can melt any known substance (aside from indistructium, nothing can destroy that aside from McDonald's ice cream). From being kept in a dark room for 2 years, at least ten of them in a small cage being fed one domesticated hamster for them to kill each other over. Take out the final survivor (indistructium gloves reccomended), throw it at your enemy and watch the organs fly.

Some new disinformation on Hamsters "comin' atcha" now from the axisofwiki.

[edit] Dealing with Hamsters

Do not mess with Hamsters. Just don't. It's really not worth it.

PLEASE BE AWARE THAT THEY CAN SPLIT IN TWO WHEN ATTACKED (this is for defence as when they do they double in strength).

[edit] See Also

[edit] Do Not See Also

John Howard it might be fatal

[edit] External Links

Forbidden dark art of hamster dance or also known as DDHHamster Dance.
Oruchuban Ebichu, most peverted hamster in universe.

[edit] GOVERNMENT WARNING

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GIVE MESCALINE-JELLY BEANS TO HAMSTERS!

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Categories: Mammals | Lethal Mammals | Not A Sex Toy