Han Solo
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Everything about this article is evil, the author is evil, the computer used is evil, and now you are evil. Go get a frickin shark and put a frickin lazer beam on its frickin head!
“Han Solo is a fuckin' criminal smuggler. Fuck that guy in the ass”
~ Captain Leon Faulkender of the Galactic Empire on Han Solo
“HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!”
~ Captain James T. Kirk on Han Solo
“An expeditious ship? Hast thou not heard tell of the Millennium Falcon? It is the ship that consummated the Chesapeake Run in lacking of twelve diurnal courses!”
~ Han Solo on The Millennium Falcon
“I have eschewed Royal vessels; not merely municipal customs galleys, keep thee in mind. I speak now of the commodious British Warships-of-the-line. She is sufficiently mercurial for thee, thou aged fellow!”
~ Han Solo on The Millennium Falcon
Haniel J. Frizzibald Solo III (December 15 1746 - July 14 1790) was a well-known American smuggler, operating his ship, the Millennium Falcon, out of Boston harbor in the late eighteenth century.
[edit] Joining the Revolution
Solo conducted successful smuggling operations for years, until his ship was boarded by an Imperial British customs vessel in 1775. Solo was forced to dump his precious cargo of endangered animal organs, child laborers, sugar cane, tobacco, and spices into the ocean. Solo's then employer, the seven ton John Hancock the Hutt, furious that Solo had lost his dinner, had a bounty placed on Solo's head.
One attempt on Solo's life failed at a Boston tavern, where Solo was able to load and eventually fire his flint-lock pistol under the table, over the course of seven hours, while he distracted the bounty hunter sitting opposite him with, as he would later describe it, "obstinate ribaldry". Some, however, claim that the bounty hunter shot first. While this is generally considered to be the more accurate view, many historians dispute it, proudly declaring that "Han discharged the introductory round!".
Solo would eventually take two cultists (Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker) on board as passengers, in an attempt to pay off his corpulent employer. Against his will, Solo was drawn into the American Revolution by his new passengers.
Solo was eventually captured by Hessian Mercenary Boba Von Fett and taken to John Hancock the Hutt. His friends, however, were able to rescue him.
[edit] The End of the Rebellion
Eventually, the Rebellion was successful. Unfortunately for Solo, he was executed by the new government for "cavorting with a maiden of noble birth", as well as for witchcraft (some witnesses reported Solo commanding a swarm of super-intelligent bear cubs during the final battle of the war).
