Hard On

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Boner Ranch home to many a Hard On.

“"I'll Take 'I have a Hard-on' for $200"!”

~ Sean Connery on Jeopardy

Hard On is slang for a male erection. As such, the phrase should never be used. Slang is evil. Especially slanging drugs. A better choice of words would be "throbbing, engorged member." Especially when asking your mom about nocturnal emissions.

[edit] Symptoms

ill-fitting trousers
urge to masterbate
loss of blood to the brain
urge to procreate
laughter and fingerpointing (your friends')
being 13 years old

[edit] How To: Get One

For guidelines on how to get a "Hard On", you can view the following and determine which one works best for you. In the event that you should be following the advice on the Grue page about what to do when you meet a Grue and you decide that you want to masturbate, as per the advice, you should use your brain (as a last resort of course).

Angelina Jolie
the interweb
the girl next door
pr0n
wake up in the morning (13 years old)
Viagra (14 and older)
Hustler, Gayboy, PentUp, Barely Legible, et cetera
Your Mom
Rub your member on rabbit fur
Strangle-bate (asphyxiate yourself and beat your meat), or use a Noose and touch yourself at night (the Noose is recommended for ages 7 and under specifically)

[edit] How To: Hide One

If you do not want Your Mom or your friends to see your Hard On, you should follow the following followable advice:

XL t-shirt
baggy pants
7YP3 L1K3 7H15 (never works)
"Whenever I get an erection, I like to tuck it up under my belt. That way you can hide it AND it feels awesome as hell!" -Superbad

Please note that the general idea here is that you're using the Oscar Wilde technique of making yourself appear larger, thereby making everything else smaller. Since Bill Gates is the biggest hard on in the world, try standing next to him.