Harp
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[edit] Definition
Harp: is a Gaelic instrument, magical in Nature.
[edit] Effects of Harping
Whenever played, Harps invariably conjure forth various woodland animals to do your bidding. In the hands of a Bard, a harp can increase your AC against any evil aligned creature and increase you and your friends THACO 1d4 + lvl for 4 rounds/lvl. It is primarily as a result of this most special trait that Harps feature heavily in Walt Disney productions
Harps are considered a superior production technique in all cases where handbreeding or getting midgets to play the role of animals is too impractical or just damn inefficient to conduct in a various scenes.
[edit] Harpiary Origins
The harp was the prized secret held by the monarch family of Ireland in 3024BC. When Irishmen men turned to liqour and paganism to formulate their society of organized law, the harp was banished to Northern Ireland. Here, the harp remained in relative obscurity until Mary Queen of Scots stumbled upon it whilst having tea and biscuits with Phillip II of Spain, and Elizabeth I on the annual weekend retreat in Ballyhalbert.
Discovering its magical property as a lure for squirrels (a cuisine in Scotland), Mary absconded with it to her minion castle of the damned (today known as Aberdeen), and held it captive. It would be 10 years before Elizabeth I could finally liberate the harp after joining the Women's Country Association. Elizabeth's victory was achieved by cutting Mary's head off in the annual WCA Country Fair and Cake Sale.
Harps have been known to induce euphoria on the listener. In 1949, legend has it that, Ivan "harpo" Klinkstein (1947 world champion harp player) was performing and the entire audience simultaneously began to levitate. Ivan spontaneously combusted and was never heard from again.
[edit] The Harpian Plot Thickens like Bad Gravy
The harp played an important advisor to Elizabeth, mainly as a common reminder of the importance of her virginity, and genital herpes. Elizabeth I later died in 1901. Reputedly her last words were the name of the new monarch England. Some propose she spoke of Lady Earl Grey Tea, numerous detractors, however, assert that it was James I of Minion Castle Hell of the North (i.e. Aberdeen), whose name was spoken, but most learned Elizabetoligists believe she muttered the word 'harp'. But unfortunately, British law decreed that no-one of coloured origin be monarch.
[edit] Harp: A Lifetime Original Movie
Eventually, the harp found new modern success in Walt Disney studios. Here, it was featured heavily in the sappy songs that required singing, white princesses to cover up their infidelities. The harp was so successful, that Walt Disney promoted it to the role of artistic director in the cryogenics department. Some reputable sources believe that the harp only gained this high status by treating Disney to some very 'lovely music'. In 1965, Disney finally preserved himself, and the harp left Disney Studios.
[edit] A harp in our Modern World
Today, the harp has a repsectable role as Chair-thing of the Red Cross. It harmoniousness and other ethereal qualities make it a perfect spokes-thing for world peace. Recently, the harp has being embroiled in controversy after playing for a group of Australian delegates, attracted various owls and hummingbirds into Australia, bringing with it the scourge of the bird flu. The harp has been blamed for 20 million deaths in Australia, and the power-complex Melbourne suffers from Sydney.
[edit] Harps and Young Children
[edit] Alternate Uses for a Harp
- Doubles as a cheese and delicatessen slicer. One forces the product of choice through its magical strings*. It is one of the harp's more quieter hobbies in its spare time.
- Efficient cutting through the tough bones of rabbit, chipmunk and cute mice.
- * The Strings of a harp are made of pure talcum, and the powdered gossamar wings of the Northern Pixies. This magical mixture is not only indestructible, but also produces musical tones of unearthly quality and beauty. Also, if you boil talcum and powdered pixie wings in a bowl of childfat, the resultant potion allows you to summon dragons.
- Only you will actually be able to see the dragons.
- Dragons to not interact significantly with the rest of the world.
- Also, you must put LSD into the potion to get the dragons. No LSD, No Dragons. That's just the way it works.
- LSD stands for Liquid Summoning Dragons. That's why it works so well.
