Harpsichord

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A rare five-legged harpsichord in its natural environment.

The harpsichord is a mammal in the Klavis Chordis family. Unlike its cousin, the clavichord, most harpsichords have three or more legs.

[edit] Discovery

Harpsichords were not actually discovered, but invented by Bach in 1378 B.C. He was bored and had nothing to do, being out of work, and he was pretty sick of being called round to tune all the clavichords. So he knocked together a few pieces of wood with four legs. Unfortunately, due to the rough terrain and the first harpsichord's uneven legs, it kept falling over. Bach then built a harpsichord with three legs and it only wobbled a bit. However, this tale has a sad end. After King George commissioned Bach to play many pieces on the harpsichord, it got fed up and swallowed Bach mid-piece. Since then harpsichords have been hunted down ruthlessly and killed, until they were declared an endangered species by the World Heritage Foundation in 1999 A.D. due to there being under 400 left in the wild.

[edit] Persons of Note

It has been suggested that Ashley Doughty was and perhaps is still the greatest Harpsichord player who ever lived; and most likely ever will. Doughty's definitive and melodic style shot him to greatness in 1999 when his friends first noticed a passion and deep intent in his playing.

Fairly soon Doughty was writing his own Harpsichord solos that left the nation in awe and everlasting devotion to his unparalleled musical genius. From Opera Houses from Vienna to Sidney, Ashley stunned audiences around the globe and went on to win countless awards for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Harpsichord Excellence.

However a fast, rock and roll lifestyle was to leave Ashley drained and stupefied. As the autumn years of 2006 turned to an idyllic lazy spring of 2007, Ashley noticed his excesses had caught up with him and checked into rehab; indeed he lived up to his name coined by his fans: Ashley "String-Plucker" Doughty, even whilst at rehab entertaining others at his centre based in Palm Springs, Florida.

Doubtless the life of a professional Harpsichord player eventually managed to eat away at Ashley. He no longer plays but can be seen sitting on the sofas listening intently to all his old greats and mashing away at an invisible Harpsichord that once so easily relented to his sheer musical genius. Some say if you look closely and listen intently, you can see the music playing across Ashley's fingers as he shreds across an imaginary instrument; a testament to the greatest Harpsichord player to ever walk this Earth.

[edit] Feeding Habits

The harpsichord is known to feed on pygmy shrews and Bach preludes. Sometimes they will eat rats and small birds. Although there are rumors about harpsichords eating humans, those are just false legends and should be ignored.

[edit] Harpsichords and Humans

Although actual harpsichord attacks are very rare, harpsichords should never be approached by someone without experience playing Bach.

[edit] What to do if you Encounter a Harpsichord

• Always carry a book of Bach preludes! It is important that you remember this because harpsichords LOVE Bach preludes, and can be mean-tempered if they don't see Bach preludes every day.
• When you do encounter a harpsichord, stay calm. If you run, it is likely that the harpsichord will chase after you (unless it is well-tempered by having a Bach prelude).
• Maintain eye contact at all times.
• Be gentle and friendly with it, show the harpsichord that you are a friend, not Handel an enemy.
• Try to figure out what kind of harpsichord you have run into. Italian harpsichords are very light-weight and sound like a banjo. They are unlikely to injure you, whereas a German factory harpsichord can fall on you and crush every bone in your body, all without making a sound.
• When you attempt to play the harpsichord, resist the temptation to pound the crap out of the keys with your fists. Piano players always make this mistake, since they are used to having to assault their instruments to get any sound out of them.

[edit] Domestic Harpsichords

Some idiots attempt to tame harpsichords. If you choose to own a harpsichord, be prepared to go through a lot of trouble. If you are certifiably insane, you probably will want to build your own harpsichord from a kit.

[edit] Upkeep

Harpsichords, unlike their modern relatives, pianos, need lots of daily upkeep.

• Tuning forks and keys are necessary to keep harpsichords healthy since it's much easier to tell when a harpsichord is out of tune than a piano. Pianos are out of tune all the time, but they sound so dull compared to a harpsichord that the cretins who listen to pianos don't even know it.
• Baroque-era music (preferably Bach) must be played every day. It's the only thing that keeps harpsichords from falling apart and turning to dust.
• Feather dusters are required because harpsichords collect A LOT of dust. It makes them look more antique and shit.