Harry Potter (Books)
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| Harry Potter | |
|---|---|
| |
| Kingdom | Hogwarts |
| Phylum | Wizard |
| Class | Juvinous |
| Order | Of the Phoenix. (duh!) |
| Family | Lindsay Lohan, None |
| Genus | Harrius |
| Species | Potterus |
| Power Plant | Hollywood |
| HP: | 1/2 |
| Mana Points: | 82 |
| Strength: | Eleventeen |
| Intelligence: | Wizard - Level 8 |
| Weight | 7 kilos |
| Main Goal | To suffer. |
| Special Attack | Gay Fuel Spell. |
“Dumbledore never told you what happened to your father. . . I am your mother. Wha... Did I just frigginly said that?!”
“And Harry Potter and all of his little wizard friends, went straight to hell for practicing witchcraft!”
~ Ned Flanders on Harry Potter
“After finishing in the cafeteria, Harry and Ron finally turned their wands on themselves.”
~ The controversial final lines of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Harry Potter, dear readers, is a series of seven books (Disputed; some believe the seventh one didn't count. That would require another book to be written) by JK Rowling, primarily about a child named Harry Potter who graduates from wizard school and also happens to have a spirit named "Deus Ex Machina" trapped inside him, which conveniently gives him near-unlimited power whenever he is in trouble. The series was attacked by religious groups, not because they disagreed with the mention of magic, but because the books were published with a fine leather binding with gold trim in a manner similar to the Bible, which made them feel insecure. In addition, many liberals were offended by Harry's defeat of Hilary Clinton and his endorsement of private school vouchers for Hogwarts.
Contents |
Characters
Harry Potter is the protagonist, and the son of Lily and James Potter. He is known for his nerdy glasses, massive character shield, and Lightning-bolt scar on his forehead. He enrolls in the Hogwarts School of Craftsmanship and Pottery to become a potter, only to end up transferred to their wizardry branch when all of his pitchers turn out to be lopsided, talking monstrosities.
James Potter: Harry Potter's Father. He is believed to have been killed along with Harry's mother, but actually left the story for a totally different story about surgeons during the Korean War.
Ronald Weasley is Harry's friend, best known by his peers as living proof that God doesn't exist. Beginning in Book 2, people call him Harry's lackey and it turns out that almost everybody thinks that is his actual name (Harry only calls him "you"). His family forgot his real name in book 4. Ronald starts his quest to tell his name to someone else, but every time he tries to say his name, something generally absurd happens and cuts the event short.
Hermione Granger is Harry's other friend. She possesses the "plot device", a mystical artifact famed for its ability to counter the feared Wryter's Block. As well as being the plot device, she is also a mudblood. Usually mudbloods are not allowed into the wizarding world but Dumbledore made an exception on account of her skill at baking Nuclear Muffins.
Professor Dumbledore is the Headmaster of Hogwarts and recently came out as gay. He took the position after retiring from his previous position, guide of a hobbit guerrilla army obsessed with finger jewelry. Snape kills him in book six, but who doesn't know that by now? Yeesh.
Fawkes is Professor Dumbledore's phoenix. He is put to sleep by animal control after an outbreak of H5N1 avian influenza.
Mrs. Weasley is a raging, bloated, obnoxious soccer mom who gave birth to Ron, Ginny, Fred, George, Percy, Bill, Charlie, Neville, Seamus, John Travolta and the Green Bay Packers. Oddly enough, she has never heard of the sport football (or soccer in the states) and neither has her massive brood of Zergling-esque larvae. Despite having spent the entire series cooking dinner and doing woman shit, in a breathtaking display of authorial fiat she kills the most powerful witch in the world with ease.
Severus Snape is Harry's mortal enemy #931 (Harry Potter Villain Union local 12). He is a good character deserving of your pity, unless you've read through book six, in which case he's evil. 2nd cousin of Miss Hardbroom from the Worst Witch novels. He kills Dumbledore in book six, but unless you've lived under a rock, you should know this several times over by now.
He Who Must Not Be Named is Harry's mortal enemy #131 (Harry Potter Villain Union local 28). We must not name him. Otherwise known as 'you know who' or 'that bald git with no nose' or 'Voldemort'... dang it.
Cedric Diggory ("Cedric the Entertainer") is Harry's mortal enemy #963 (Harry Potter Villain Union local 16). A prominent member of House Fluffywifflepants, his death at the hands of Wormtail is ultimately blamed on FWI (Flying While In-a-silly-named-house), something that Harry considers to be a grave miscarriage of justice.
Draco Malfoy is Harry's mortal enemy #1822 (Harry Potter Villain Union local 22). He doesn't kill Dumbledore... but Snape does. Then in he turns good by assisting his previously owned houseelf Dobby to kill Snape (spoiler warning!).
Neville Longbottom is an unremarkable student that nobody likes or cares about. In reality, he had a 50-50 chance of being the main character, but unfortunately Voldemort He Who Must Not Be Named, using the questionable means of Eeny Meeny Miny Mo, decided Harry would give the series better readings, and chose him instead. Although throughout the majority of the books, Neville has no skills whatsoever and is called a noob by most of the other characters, in the seventh book Neville manages to collect all seven Chaos Emeralds and transform into is super form.
Bellatrix Lestrange is Harry's mortal enemy #3228 (Harry Potter Villain Union local 27) whose hobbies include hating mudbloods, torturing mudbloods, killing mudbloods, disemboweling Mudbloods, and basket weaving.
Ginny Weasley is the girl Harry loves, as opposed to the more obvious guess of Hermione.
Dobby, the son of Sméagol and Jar-Jar Binks, is Harry's stalker. He works baking cookies for Keebler. Constant attacks from the Rice Crispies elves have taken their toll on him.
Weasley Twins Ron's twin brothers Fred and George. The men of every geek girls dream
Hagrid is one of Harry's oafish and unethical teachers, whose disability (gigantism) gives him permission to take a seeing-eye dragon into public places. He leaves the series in book six to play for the Chicago Bulls.
Sirius Black is Harry's only parental figure whom became a famous rapper after Bellatrix pushed him into a mysterious curtain that transported him to East L.A.
There are elevinty-six million characters in Harry Potter. For more, see the complete list.
Books
- Book 1: Harry Potter and the Philanthropist's Stock Options
- Book 2: Harry Potter and the Chamber Music
- Book 3: Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Alderaan
- Book 4: Harry Potter and The Giblets on Fire
- Book 5: Harry Potter and The Birdy Buddy of the Phoenix
- Book 6: Harry Potter and the Professor Formerly Known As the Half Blood Prince
- Book 7: Harry Potter and the Deadly Gallows
Even though J.K. Rowling stated she was only going to write 7 books, she cleverly never mentioned that she need to have additional books as fillers. After the end of the series, J.K. Rowling released four bonus books and a compilation book on the main series after realising that she was hopeless at writing anything else and that she was running out of money.
- Bonus Book 1: Harry Potter and the Snape's on a Plane
- Bonus Book 2: Harry Potter and the Overdue Income Tax Form
- Bonus Book 3: Harry Potter and the Dining in Hell
- Bonus Book 4: Harry Potter and the Transfer Students from Japan
- Compilation Book: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix's Half-Blood Prince, Prisoner of the Deathly Hallows of the Philosopher's Stone Goblet of Fire in the Chamber of Secrets of Azkaban
J.K. Rowling has also written two other supporting books under the Pen name of J.R.R Tolkien:
- Fantastic Books and How to Burn Them - Thought to be written after the author's loathing of other and far better written book's than hers.
- Windex Through the Ages - A timeline of how Harry Potter's owl Hedwig has used Windex in the past.
Marxist interpretation
Much discussion has exposed JK Rowling as an obvious Marxist, attempting to pollute the minds of our youth with Communist propaganda. The "pure-blood" Slytherins represent the aristocracy, who believe that "magic" (i.e. capital) should be in the hands of a privileged elite. The "clever" Ravenclaws represent the bourgeoisie, who collude with the aristocracy in the suppression of the petty-bourgeois Hufflepuffs and the proletarian house-elves. The brave Gryffindors (who wear red Quidditch robes) and Dumbledore's Army represent the Red Army, the true army of the proletariat.
Dumbledore, with his voluminous white beard, obviously stands for Karl Marx, while Harry Potter's glasses and untidy black hair make him identical to Leon Trotsky. Harry's lightning-bolt scar is in reference to the fatal head wound inflicted on Trotsky by Ramón Mercader with an ice pick. Harry survives this attack, just as the Totskyist ideal has survived in Rowling's twisted Commie mind.
The above is all true.
Attribution
Thanks to Krafty Witch Foods, wizarding foods are now available to "muggles"! Such foods include:
- Harry Pop Tarts - Magical pastry with filling that changes flavor! Also with lightning shaped sprinkles.
- I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Beer - Beer for kids! Who knew it would be a hit!
- Chocolate Frogs - Yummy enchanted frogs! Besides, it's the Yu-Gi-Oh! cards you want. Gotta catch em' all!
- Berty Bean's Every Flavor Butt - Come in flavors from danish, to grass, to wasabi, to cornbread, to soggy waffle! Your whole family will love them!
- Fred-o-chips - Betcha can't eat just one!
