Hats
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“I was the first one to wear a hat! All you copycats owe me!!”
~ Bono on hats
A Hat is a type of headgear, usually worn on the head. Not to be confused with a cap or hair, hats are relatively common in comparison to other bodily accessories such as gloves and underpants.
Among dogs, hats are more commonly worn by their fleas. The insulation and padding provided by the hat protects the more delicate brain casings of these fragile creatures. More robust dogs may wear hats for fashion purposes or in certain situations requiring headgear.
[edit] Why hats?
Dogs have ears that stick out quite a lot. They are prone to falling off, freezing, accidental consumption, etc. Hats keep the ears securely attached to the head, provide them with warmth, and keep out dust. Small dogs wear them to protect their thin skulls. In current times, hats are also worn for fashion or to signify membership of a club/team.
[edit] Hats and Canada
It is well known that one of the most popular pastimes and sports in Canada is wearing hats. In a 2005 survey it was ranked as the fourth most popular pastime behind smoking marijuana, pickling vegetables, and cabin fever.
[edit] Types of hats
[edit] Hoods
Hoods are soft cloth headcoverings attached to a larger garment such as a small sweater. The hood has an opening for the neck, and another for the face, leaving the rest of the head covered. This is the most popular kind of hat as it provides the most coverage for the cranium. Hoods also have the benefit of covering the ears. They compliment the garment to which they are attached, and you can even find some with a bit of trim on them- very sassy! Hoods are also where black people hang out to avoid the cops.
[edit] Moon hats
Sometimes, a dog must go to the moon. At such times, headgear is needed to prevent the dead void of space from causing head explosion. Moon hats cover the entire head in a hard, protective, space-tight covering. These hats have panels of transparent material to provide visibility.
[edit] Tin hats
Tin is well known for its mind-wave deflecting properties. To prevent aliens or the government from controlling their minds, dogs have taken a clever step forward in creating hats made of tin.
[edit] Fashionable hats
Various other hats in a variety of styles are avalible for dogs. These hats do not serve a specific purpose; rather, they merely make the wearer appear quite dapper.
[edit] Cat in the hats
Cat in the hats have one of the best utilities in the hat world. Whenever a dog is hungry, all it has to do is tip the hat over and stuff its entire head into the cat in the hat. This allows the dog to reach the gooey cat intestines inside the colorful, yet scrumcious, hat. Thus, providing the dog with a delicious morsel that they can eat on the go.
[edit] Hat Manufacture
[edit] Background
Believe it or not, hats are actually living creatures with feelings. The first seed was brought to Bulgaria by the High Martians.
[edit] Hat Agriculture
Also known as Hatriculture, hats are not grown primarily in Bulgaria. They are planted on mountains where the air is thinest to prepare them to be on heads. They are harvested by robot-pirate racoons, who are now allies with the Bulgarian hat Farmers. In the early days, hats flourished (With such pastimes as Hatificiation, and The Great Celebration Of The Great Hattery Of Soola-Nova Racvoonia) and became an autonomous society, until humans saw the use that their shape and size provided for the wrist protection stated above.
[edit] Hat Welfare
People started to think about hat welfare around the 1980's where it became clear that not only were the hats being treated extremely badly but that the robot-pirate racoons had been enslaved!
The ploughs damaged the hats badly as they were badly designed and the racoons were unskilled. These damages were covered up or even made out to be unique designer hats, but many were disposed of! Also occasionaly the wrong seed had been placed into the batch and the wrong type of hat would grow, these "rouge hats" were burnt at stake.
[edit] Hat Discrimination
Many humans and dogs have abused certain types of hat because of racism. Fez's have been a large target and also Uncle Sam hats.
Also "non-pure" hats have also been discriminated against. These are hats which have not been grown in bulgaria. Many attempts have been made to stop this illegal produce of hats, however the Hat Dealers are still prevailing.
[edit] The 1987 Hat Wars
On April 5th, 1987, the raccoons formed a large army to rise up against the oppressive Bulgarian hat farmers, a vicious battle raged for weeks with no end in sight. However, an unlikely turning point arrived in mid-July. Tunisian immigrant farmers began to migrate to Bulgaria with hopes of employment in the highly lucrative hat industry. This influx of foreign workers created a new common ground for the raccoon and Bulgarian forces. An alliance was formed and the Tunisians were soundly defeated within two weeks. A formal truce was signed at the end of the 1987 Hat Wars, providing a steady peace between raccoons and Bulgarian hat farmers for nearly two decades. However soon enough another conflict arose involving the issue of " should red and purple hats be legal? " The hat farmers stongly believed pink was the only llegal way, but many of the othe citizens disagreed. The issue is still in debate. what do you tihnk about the matter, should they be llegal?
[edit] The Ministry of Silly Hats
Mosh hats is a ministry set up in 2005 to put and end to help hat welfare and to enjoy their sillyness.
In newspeak- Minisilhats. They are responsible of handling any and all illegal hat contraband that is taken from captured Eurasian spies. Or is it Eastasian.
[edit] Beware the brain hat
The brain hat is a horribly evil parasitic creature that pretends to be a hat. Seriously, it's worse than a grue. It hatches out of an egg as a small invisible pink worm-like creature with three and a half eyes. It squirms its way into a hat shop or any other place hats are sold, such as a clothing shop or mexico. it then forms a cocoon that looks like a ball of lint. Three days later it hatches out as an exact replica of the hat on display. when bought it feeds on the brain of the wearer. At this point the victim is totally screwed. when the brain is half gone the wearer often becomes a hobo or a democrat. when the brain is all the way gone the victim mutates into several eggs that hatch into brain hat larvae. The original brain hat, now deprived of delicious brains, dies, but from the lifeless body it is reborn in the form of a new larvae. Few things can destroy the brain hat. Obviously Chuck Norris eats them for breakfast.
