Hawaii
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“When did they stop calling themselves '5-0?'”
~ Oscar Wilde on Hawaii
“TEH STAAATT333 O0F HAWAII IZ AEHSTAAATT333 IN TEH UNITED STAAATT333S!!!!111!!! LOCAAATT333D ON AN ARCH4IPELAGO IN TEH CENTRAL PACIFIC OCEAN SOUTHWEST O0F TEH CONTINENTAL UNITED STAAATT333S!!!!111!!! SOUTEHAAZT O0F JAPAN!!!!111!!! 4NNND N0ORTEHAAZT O0F AUSTRALIA. TEH STAAATT333 WUZ ADMITTED 2 TEH UNION ON AUGUST 21!!!!111!!! 1959!!!!111!!! M4KEENG 1T TEH 50TH STAAATT333. ITS CAPITAL IZ HON0OLULU ON TEH ISL4NNND O0F OAHU. TEH MOST RECENT CENSUS PUTS TEH STAAATT333\'S POPULATION AT 1!!!!111!!!283!!!!111!!!388. TIHS STAAATT333 ENCOMPASSES NEARLY TEH ENTIRE VOLKAANIC HAWAIIAN ISL4NNND CHAIN!!!!111!!! WH4ICH IZ MAED OOf CHEZ?”
~ ARFENHOUSE on Hawaii
| State Flag | ||
|---|---|---|---|
| State Flower: | Maui Wowy | ||
| Official Language: | Japanese | ||
| State Bird: | Flying Cockroach | ||
| State Motto: | tora! tora! tora!
[[|- | State Anime: | Papuwa Island |
| Nickname: | The Freak state Number 2 | ||
| Governor: | Chuck Norris | ||
| Vice Governor: | Chuck Norris needs no Vice Governor | ||
| State Capitol: | The volcano one | ||
| State Anthem: | White Christmas, by Bing Crosby | ||
| Standard MPH while driving through town: | 5-0 | ||
| Fun Fact # 1: | There are no native Hawaiians | ||
| Official Sandwich: | Peanut butter and spam |
Hawaiian Version of paragraph: Aloha aloha aloha aloha aloha. Aloha aloha aloha aloha. Aloha aloha aloha aloha aloha aloha aloha aloha aloha aloha, aloha, and aloha. And another loha.
Contents |
[edit] History
The history of Hawaii begans some several thousands of years ago when Lemurian tourists got lost en route to visit Mexican temples. Attempts to attract rescue with several signal volcanoes backfired when Vogons strafed the island with orbital mind control lasers, devastating the island's infrastructure and instantly vaporizing nearly all of the native Polynesian consonants. An advanced civilization eventually grew on the island but was subsequently nuked back to the Stone Age by an evil syndicate called the Missionaries. Eventually more races came and renamed the islands Little Britain. After a glorious rebellion led by Michael Collins and Mel Gibson, the islands were renamed back to Hawaii in 1881. But not to be outdone, the Missionaries overthrew the last monarch and made Hawaii into a very large plantation complete with nuclear missiles hidden in sugar factories until statehood was declared largely due to the loss of sugar because of those Commies in Cuba. As a result, Michael Collins promised a new rebellion as soon as Godzilla awakens with the help. The United States destroyed Hawaii on December 7, 1941. Nothing larger than a small car remains of it, though it continues to be a popular hiding place for pirates.
[edit] Current Statehood Status
As of 2005, Hawaii is formally one of the states of The United States of Canada, despite its current status, but Hawaiians downplay the relationship and say they're "really just friends," which is a euphemism for "frickin' haoles overthrew our queen and stole our land." Since most Canadians don't really know where Hawaii is anyway, that works out just fine. Due to travel problems, the Murkan government decided to move the island to a more convenient location. According to the map sitting on my table, Hawaii floats gracefully over Texas.
[edit] Demographics
Hawaii is populated mainly by game show contestants, jesus, retired politicians, Surf King Jack Johnson (It should be noted that he must have the honorable 'Surf King' before his name...or else), Japanese tourists, iguanas, hotel workers, astronomers, Elvis Presley, Mark Twain, King Kong, fat white tourists, a few of those 'natives', army personnel who go there for the cheap booze and women, Jessica Ferguson (for no reason at all), your mom, and a bunch of buk buks (filipinos). Speed Racer retired to Honolooloo in 1983, with Trixy.
[edit] Agriculture and Economy
Major exports of Hawaii are pineapples, Surf King Jack Johnson, coffee, suntans, hula hoops, Japanese tourists, pakalolo, and lava. The sugar export industry collapsed in the late 1900s due to economic pressure from third-world Nutrasweet plantations and the health food craze.
Everyone also lives in grass shacks and wears loincloths. However everyone has internet, most people having DSL or T1 connections. Also, Zunes.
[edit] Language
Before the United Station's colonisation, Native Hawaiians spoke a language called Swahili, with a very rich morphology and a demanding syntax. Currently, Swahili is only spoken by walking corpses and downtown demons, having been replaced by the Japanese language on July 1st 1996 (see American history).
Nevertheless, a few words from Old Swahili have permeated into the local dialect:
Aloha - I have killed your wife, burnt your house, and I am going to eat you now
Mahalo - You smell of vomit and Poi.
[edit] Local Food
- Haole: prized for their fatty white meat, the Haole is plentiful in the shallows of the more populated islands. A Haole can be identified by its red and white markings, large, flipperlike feet and the strange apparatus that it has evolved for breathing while its face is underwater. Haole's migrate to Hawaii when the sun shines and are easy prey for the "native" people. One "native" described their meat as "so juicy it drips down your chin." We'll take his word for it.
- Poi: a traditional dish, these shiny, baglike fish are indigenous to the area. Caught in the usual manner, they are carefully pounded to turn their insides into a sort of paste that is served as a side dish. The distinct purple colour is a result of the pounding process; the guts of the fish are mixed with the rest of the body, resulting in the colouration of the otherwise pale meat. By taking great care during the pounding process, an expertly pounded poi will have its skin completely intact, which enables the poi to be sold without further packaging in local stores. This reuse of existing materials is a prime example of the Hawaiian people's concern for their environment.
- Da' Kine Laddat': da' kine is da' kine' Ho bah you know? You know da' kine' laddat? It's just like da' kine' cept' it's more like da' kine'. No, it's not another language, but it does sound like one.
- Okole: Ass. See Hawaiian.
- Hawaiian: A rare creature, known for its dark meat. The meat is quite fatty, and ignorance wafts off any dish it is put into in waves. Known for its inability to drive correctly, its addiction to Ice, throwing babies off bridges, and its disdain for the Federal Government, which ironically, is what feeds and supports it. See Okole.
- Supertankers: in more recent times, local fishermen have discovered than instead of farting about with catching individual fish (face it, it's a lot of hard work for little reward), much greater gains can be had from the catch of a single Supertanker. These are large, migratory mammals that occasionally visit Hawaiian waters in their travels to their breeding grounds in the Persian Gulf. Hunting such large creatures requires exsquisite coordination between many fishermen, but the catch of a single tanker is worth the effort and can feed a sizeable percentage of the population for many months.
Incidentally, it is the hunting of Supertankers that is a direct contributor to the islands' high gas prices, as bemoaned by almost every Murkan tourist who visits and rents a V8.
Hawaiians cook all of their food ontop volcanoes.
- spam: And of course, the gourmet cuisine of Hawaii - Spam. spam with mac salad. spa with eggs. spam & chips, boiled spam, spam sashimi, spam sushi, bulgospamgi, spambibimbap, tom yum spam, BBQ spam, spam n cheese, spam sandwich, double spam burger hold the onion extra lettuce, spam porridge, spam with spam, spam alfredo, teppanyaki spam, pickled spam and spam ala king, Spam taco
[edit] Hawaiian Vices
The locals of Hawaii have long since abandoned their industrious and superstitious ways for a different lifestyle. Now locals spend their time smoking pot, ditching school, surfing, smoking pot, surfing, ditching school, direct connecting eachother (GOD DAMMIT I HATE THAT FUCKIN' BEEP THAT IT MAKES, ITS SO FRICKIN ANNOYING)with their motorola phones, smoking pot eathing 'shrooms, driving erraticly, pretending to be Gangsta', smoking pot, complaining about how the white man "done took all our land", and screaming and waving their fists in the air while extremely enibriated. They also spend much of their time smoking pot while ditching school while enibriated. Don't forget how they alway stand-by when playing online video games. You know who you are. GARBIN!!
[edit] Trivial Crap
Hawaiians are known for God-defying mullets, Surf King Jack Johnson, giant beetles, Communism, human sacrifices, and ritual cannibalism. Like the CIA, they are never wrong, for they have computers and stuff. *cough*
There is a bridge from the the Hawaiian island of O'ahu to California. At 2,000 miles long, it is the longest bridge in the world. It is known as the Great Pacific Bridge.
The explorers who discovered Hawaii were Captain Kirk and his closest friend Sean Connery. These two daring explorers were also rumoured to be second cousins twice removed from the lost Hawaiians who founded Council Bluffs, Iowa.
Hawaii's chief historian has always been Frank Delima.
Hawaii's top educational facility has always been Iolani School. Current principal is Some Rich White Guy. It's worst education facility has always been and will be Mid-Pacific Institute.
Hawaii's State shrub has been the Mock Orange Bush as they are normally grown by many neighbors and are convient for relieving ones self after drinking beer in the typical Hawaiian living room (the Garage) where guests are normally entertained.
King Kamehameha got his name from having the ability to turn Super Saiyan at will.
The reason why the Hawaiian islands came to existence is because Earth had diarrhea.
The Hawaii welcome signs read "#&($)p(a*|(*#!@$(#*" which, in Japanish, reads "Welcome to Hawaii, how'd you get here in a car?"
The very rare .5% natives are on their quest for freedom from that nasty government that rules it and has suppressed its people. Sign with Kau Inoa AKA the the welfare agency.
| States in the West |
| Arizona - Alaska - California - Colorado - Hawaii - Idaho - Montana - Nevada - New Mexico - Oregon - Utah - Wyoming - Washington |
