Hay
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"The bane of all of existence is that golden-yellow creature which stalks by the hot summer sun. It never rests, never slows, never goes away."
-my neighbor Frank on hay
"Hay is for horses, straw is cheaper, grass is 10 a bag"
-Snoop Dogg on hay
"The indisputably worst thing a man can do is piss away his life baling."
-Oscar Wilde on hay
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[edit] Introduction
Frank, despite his paranoid schizophrenia, does put it most aptly. Hay is the bane of all existence. This dastardly species of parasite has plagued our noble farming community for centuries, millenia, eons! Comrades, I call you to unite! The greatest threat to humanity is not in the deserts of the Middle East, nor is it in the hills of Korea, nor in the US capitol. It is in every cow pasture, every hayfield, every barn across our great globe!
[edit] Just What Is Hay, Anyhow?
Hay is a parasititc vegetable. Unlike cousins broccoli, Brussels sprouts, or cabbage, it has never been established as a human toxin by anyone. This is pure blind-sightedness. Hay will consume your brain, gaining control of the shell of your body. Luckily, human consumption is low, and those that are lost to this affliction each year never really contributed to society. Still, do you want to be among these hopeless victims? Of course not!
If you still do not believe that hay can destroy the brain, I will present definitive evidence in the bovine community. In Great Britain, waves of hay-infection (also known as Mad Cow Disease) have swept over the countryside. In 2004, levels of hay-infection reached epidemic proportions in France. Thankfully, these plagues are usually constrained to the livestock populous. However, there are reports every year of human contamination.
Hay breeds in the outdoors. It prefers, large, open, sunny fields, and feeds off of animal droppings while in the larval stage. Adult hay, however, cannot be satisfied by droppings alone. The traces of neural-tissue in the feces comes short, and Adults prey on animals that happen by. That is when the adult seeks out hungry animals, passing itself off as grass. When the animals try to consume such apparent grass, the hay slides inside. It is a quick route through the nasal passages into the brain. When hay is done with a host, it will lay eggs about the insides of the body. As the body deteriorates, the eggs hatch into larvae, which seek out the comfortable fields of sun. Thus the cycle renews.
[edit] The History of Hay
Hay erased its own history during the 20's. Everyone was drinking, so no one noticed.
But, Hay for Horses still lives into the 21st cen...!!
- Also Snoop Dog, still buys grass at 10 a bag
[edit] Identifying Hay
Hay is long, hard, and golden yellow. No, if you think your penis is hay, you need help. The two are incomparable. Hay has a slightly sweet scent about it, used for attracting prey. Again, NOT a penis, in any sense.
In the days of the ancient past hay did not need a disguise. Hay roamed the vast plains freely, in search of prey. Humans invaded this space, forcing it back. Since then, hay has sworn a vendetta against mankind. Mankind's presence, however, was not entirely disastrous. He brought with him livestock, a staple of the modern hay family. However, man recognized the threat of hay, and began cutting the stalks of adults so they could not infect. Hay was brighter, though, and came up with a progressing series of defeneses.
- 1:The Row, or the first level of defense, in which adult hay lines up in long rivers of hay.
- 2:The Stack, or when hay piles together for even closer defense. This is also used to suffocate feisty prey
- 3:The Bale, a tightly compacted gathering of hay. the purpose is to become heavier, so any farmer lifting it will injure himself and be unable to attack more hay.
- 4:The Ball is the most dangerous form of hey. It is super-massive, and indestructible except by fire.
[edit] What You Can Do
Run. Hide. Hay is an unbeatible force, and it will not have mercy.
