Manliness

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“And then, I touched my own manhood, and indeed, I was a man!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Manliness

“I like my men like I like my coffee. Dark, with a touch of cream and two sugars.”

~ Karl Marx on Men

Manliness is the extent to which a person, usually a male, is like Jack Bauer.

Manliness defines the physical and behavioral attributes of a real man. (Not a woman, a man.) The subject of much scholarly debate, manliness is regularly addressed in such peer-reviewed journals as Playgirl and Men Magazine. The world's great inebriated leaders and visionaries, such as Winston Churchill, John F. Kennedy, and George W. Bush are manly, not only because they're men, but because they're men who will drink a pint of whiskey and can still run a country and/or take a bullet.

Manliness, like religion, is a truth that permeates all cultures, languages, and action movie studios. However, not all cultures are of equal manliness; Canadians for example are considerably less manly, (although more wealthy), than Mexicans. Moreover, a truly manly man is someone who cuts to the chase, calls it like it is, and sips cognac while playing tackle football in a trenchcoat.

[edit] God

The first true manly man was God. In the First Testament, He easily accomplished a variety of extremely manly acts. For example, in Leviticus, God condemns homosexuality, seafood, and various counties in rural Colorado. In Exodus II: The Revenge, God kills all of Egypt's first born sons, poisons Pharaoh's pet dog, and parts a goddamn sea. Not just any goddamn sea, a red goddamn sea.

However, God's long rein of manliness came to an end with the Second Testament and the increasingly gay gospels. One night, in the town of Bethlehem, in God's last manly act, He got drunk on Keystone Light and impregnated a virgin named Mary. God's son went on to become a hippie and neoliberal collectivist, disgracing God in front of his drinking buddies, Zeus and Alice Cooper.

Having renounced violence (and therefore manliness), God went on to seek a life of meaning through the use of LSD. This explains his later work in the Book of Revelations, which although not as gay as the Gospels, is more weird than manly. It exists in the same space as radiohead: not manly, but probably not gay.

[edit] Manly Men

This is what manliness looks like after genetic mutations.

• God - See Bruce Campbell
• Bruce Lee - I'd think it's kind of obvious here. Most manly non-immortal being in the universe. He's the man that taught Chuck Norris how to be manly. He's the man that killed Chuck Norris for not being as manly as he was, then resurrected him with a flick of his pinky to resume the lessons in manliness. This manly man was the epitome of manly. In fact, he was so manly that he died of being manly.
• Bruce Campbell - Kills zombies, briefly is a zombie, cuts off his own hand with the same chainsaw he later replaces it with. You be manlier than that, I dare ya.
• Sean Bean - It is commonly accepted in the UK that Mr. Bean is the originator of the term and lifestyle known as "manliness."
• Andrew Ragauskas (Molemang) - Some may know him as simply moleman or king of Wanny South, He is the undisputed king of everything and can whoop D-wards ass in .57 seconds...he is known to have killed king kong and is the reason for world poverty and aids, he loves destroying things such as Shehan and Dennis and will one day get his revenge on shahan for being a lil weed. he loves to smoke darts for breakfast lunch and tea and eating meat pies and bangin his bitch. also willis is awesome
• Vita - his name is Vita, he lives in a bungalow, there is no more to say
• Vinnie Jones - Once had over 500 bullets enter his body from a machine gun during a family argument, and barely even noticed. This man could kill you with one flick.
• Chuck Norris - Just being an internet phenomenon makes you manly. Having that, and actually crushing ninjas in real life, combines to make manly manliness.
• Vin Diesel - All you kids forget that he was also an internet phenomenon.
• David Lee Roth - Roth makes me think Raving mad, to the point of ripping off arms. so... Manly arm-ripping. And singing like a chick means he's secure about his masculinity. I'm not so sure actually... What's he know that we don't to make him so secure?
• Les Claypool - He could easily snap your neck with his wicked slap/pop knuckle slamming.
• Bears - If a non-man could be manly, this'd be the first thing on everyones mind, all the time, every time.
• Samuel L. Jackson - C'mon he uses the word motherfucker every five seconds and whips snakes ass
• The kickboxer from Snakes on a Plane - He grabbed a snake and squeezed out his eyes, he wins, and deserves a good time with your sister.
• Every single mortal combat character ever - Duh. FATALITY. mortal kombat the guy who spelled Mortal Kombat with a 'c' is so not a man
• Stoners who still stone when the fuzz is hot - Clearly laid back. Or just too high to realize they about to take the fall for their kind.
• People with bad grammar in MMO's - THEY HAVE A LIFE. THEY DONT HAVE TIME TO BE GOOD. THEY DON'T NEED TO SPELL NOONE CARES. YOUR MOM.
• Stephen Drozd - In a band with a bunch of gays, whilst drumming and being straight at the same time. Rock on, Clap Your Hands.
• Wolverine - comon. He has CHOPS. his face has so much hair on it im surprised we don't see more Phillip Pelusi item placement in the movies.
• The Juggernaut - nothing needs to be said. I'm assuming you live on the internet too.
• Kyle Hyde - He makes every single sentence he has ever uttered an open invitation to punch him... because he feels like fighting. Manly.
• Pirates - They booze hard, then go rob and beat the crap out of people.
• Maddox - A pirate who wrote the book The Alphabet of Manliness and known by Chuck Norris, lumberjacks, and pirates to be the arbiter of manliness.
• The Fonz - This guy jumped over a shark on friggin' waterskis. 'nuff said.
• attack Pit Bulls - They are COMPLETELY INSANE and will attack people at random. Real men scare people. You would piss yourself if you where in a vet wiating room with one of these, and all he was doing was lying down...
• Godzilla - Think about the size of his unit. No she isnt, Godzilla is female, stupid.
• People who have one eye - oviuslee.
• That dude from Reign of fire - where its all sad and shit but gets eaten at end after plunging axe into dragon's face.
• Robert Pattinson* - Robert Pattinson is the sexiest and most manly man in the universe. Enough said.
• Space Marines - imagine an enraged Chuck Norris inside a metal suit that amplifies his strength a hundredfold with a Daemon possessed hammer in one hand and a machine gun in the other...
• Bruce Willis - The baldest asskickingist yippe-kai-aayst motherfucker since Rambo (And Chuck Norris)