Heaven

“I don't know, but I've been told, the streets of heaven are lined with gold/But I don't know how it could be much worse if the Russians got up there first/Wow-ee, pretty scary!”

~ Bob Dylan on Beaujoulais

“I'd rather die then go to Heaven.”

~ William Murderface on Heaven

“NO SUCH FUCKING THING!”

~ Daleks on heaven

This must be heaven!

Heaven is really the sky but it often refers to a tropical country behind the Orion Nebula that's too bright to see. Heaven is home to approximately 6,078 beings. 45.7% of the population is angels, 34.4% dogs (all dogs go there), 19.9% seraphim (.1% being Sephiroth), 2.0% Unitarians, and .016% Supreme Beings. Politically, Heaven has been allied with the nation of Israel, Palestine, George W. Bush and the Catholic Church, but recently Heaven has broken off communications with all political bodies and is in a state of isolationism similar to Switzerland's. In addition, it is now confirmed that last spot in heaven has been taken, and its borders have been closed for an indefinite period of time. It is an enemy of Hell (population 67,594,941,662,544 as of noon EST, February 19, 2008).

As well as the main religious heaven there is also the Atheist Heaven of which the actual population is around 9 million but the official population is 0, as no one who lives there actually believes that they still exist, there for, they would eventually turn to dust.

[edit] Geography and Climate

Pope John Paul II demonstrates the amazing super powers one possess & obsesses while in Heaven!

Located in a unplotted, secluded valley some place that looks like the eastern Alps, Heaven is approximately the size of 17 football fields all covered in dirt. A boiling hot stream of infected, rotten nacho cheese runs through the center of the valley, of which the inhabitants take their nourishment, for they are not allowed to eat of the forbidden fruit in the communal orchards. The Forbidden Fruit, being a flavor of Starburst, therefore proves that Starbursts were created by God, not by slave angels or heck-ians as previously believed.

Heaven is unnaturally warm, as it takes a lot of heat to keep the cheese liquid, thus the inhabitants usually look red, like Indians, but really, all Indians go to hell, so this is just a myth. But really, heat rises and cold sinks, so Heaven is a great place to be, like Florida without the old people, or Cuba without it's insane dictator, Ricky Ricardo.

Another great thing about Heaven is that anyone who is currently living in Heaven will be granted amazing and completely random super powers, like the ability to shoot blood out of the eyes, listen to other peoples conversations from afar or twisting their own halos into various shapes and sizes.

[edit] Government

Heaven was originally ruled by God, but since AC 43 He has been reluctant to attend to the duties of the position. He is currently looking for a successor. The successor was originally thought to be Eric Clapton, but since the late 1970's this opinion has been debunked. Recently, Pat Robertson, Dick Cheney, and Adolf Hitler have announced their intent to obtain the position. However, none of these candidates are expected to obtain enough popular support to beat the current poll leaders, Michael Jordan and Elvis Presley.

Currently Heaven is under anarchy. Contrary to popular belief, Heaven is not in fact perfect. Those who reside there got bored with perfection pretty quickly, as they had no free will of their own. After God stepped down they could do whatever they wanted, which is pretty sweet. Apart from the raping, marauding and random beatings of white people are rampant.

[edit] Economics

Most inhabitants of heaven are retired. As a result, the GDP of heaven is ridiculously low, which is why the streets of Heaven are covered in gold foil. Heaven has a lot of welfare in it.

Without workers, all the stores in heaven are closed. However, if a citizen of Heaven needs something, with a word they can get what they came for.

Recently GOD has been moving into prostitution, offering 72 Virgins to all the pious martyrs who slaughter his creations in his name. Sex sells and GOD knows heaven's no paradise without a bed full o'babes. Rumors about where these virgins are coming from are many, but hopefully they will increase revenue and not further stress the welfare state with all their unbaptized children.

[edit] Social Life and Sports

Inhabitant of Heaven during a facilities tour

Most inhabitants of heaven will be living there for eternity, which means that all forms of recreation are very popular. The vast majority of heaven's inhabitants also spend their spare time drinking orange juice directly after brushing their teeth, as heaven is the only known country in the world in which you don't get that horrible taste in your mouth when you do so.

Smiting is the national sport. God has won the annual Smiting Invitational tournament since its inception.

Heaven also fields a soccer team known as the Army of Heaven, which has a 7-4 record this season. Current victories include wins over Satan, France, and the Teletubbies. The Army of Heaven's perpetual rival is Science. Past games include losses for Heaven at Darwin Stadium and Geocentricism Field, but Heaven has won all games held in Kentuckistan.

In 2006 Heaven's cricket team, Peter's XI, took on Australia in a Test Match at Lord's. Heaven won the toss and decided to bat. Australia ripped through the line-up, with God and Jesus both going for ducks. Abraham was the only player to provide any resistance, making a sturdy 61. Heaven was dismissed in one day for 74 runs. Australia batted until the next afternoon, making 843 runs for the loss of just 1 wicket, when God got pissed off and smote Matthew Heydon.

Australia went on to win by 10 wickets.

[edit] Immigration

The snake handlers at Conservapedia have an even funnier article about Heaven .

An actual ticket for getting into heaven. Worth a lot of Pokemon cards in Christian youth group trading circles.

Lots of people have been leaving Heaven lately. This might have something to do with the fact that one gets bored after spending all of eternity chatting with nuns, priests, and newborn children who had no chance to sin (except for the Unforgivable Sin # 27: being born. Which makes you wonder why they're in Heaven in the first place. The answer is very simple. Because God said so.). The residents of Heaven who are slightly rebellious in nature will then spend hours staring out their bedroom windows at all the cool people in Hell (including Sigmund Freud, Al Capone, and Harry Potter), and, after much consideration, will finally decide that it's time to immigrate to Hell.

Then comes the age-old question. If you wanted to return to Heaven (if for some strange, weird, unfathomable reason you decide that Hell is not for you), how would you get there?

Despite common belief, it is not possible to get to Heaven by following the instructions in the Torah, or even Curious George goes to the Zoo. Instead, the research group Led Zeppelin of the School of Rock found that it is possible to buy a Stairway to Heaven from the whispering wind. However one can always be sure the Bible will lead you there in the end. Maybe.

However, newer reports suggested that Heaven is actually beginning to become overpopulated. In fact, the last spot in Heaven has been taken, sending everyone else to Purgatory or Limbo to wait for a new spot. Several of those who have been waitlisted decided that going to Hell would be much more preferable.

It has been recently reported that the few humans that are in heaven have been resurrected and sent there by God and that some more people were resurrected when Jesus resurrected. All the rest of the dead after the time of Jesus are still in their graves until he returns.