Heavysaber
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
"Slightly less civilised than a blaster."
~ Oscar Wilde on heavysabers
Heavysabers were the chosen weapon of many Jedi between the Cretaceous and Triassic periods. Noted for their long, thin blade of pure special effects but a tendency to be really fucking heavy, they were only able to carve out a small niche in the weapons market, with only Canada and Tatooine buying any.
Contents |
[edit] Power Source
The heavysaber's main source of power was a large backpack filled with at least 80 D batteries. The strength and cutting power of the blade could be modified by adding or removing batteries as desired. It had to be recharged every two hours. That took twelve hours. The famous battle of Darth Gol and Jedi Luke Gobblewatcher was delayed for just this reason. Also, the well known Darth Cheddar got beaten because his batteries ran out first,and that is why most siths prefer Oxyride Batteries. At this stage they were also susceptible to spontaneous combustion.
[edit] Controversy
One parent sued the Heavysaber Corporation for fraudulent advertising in 2007 when they failed to include a 'batteries not included' message in their TV ads. "My little Jedi looked retarded running around with an empty backpack on Christmas Day" said the Padawan's mother. The case was settled out of court. Estimates of the settlement received by the mother range from a sweet fuck for her to all to 4 magic beans.
[edit] Disadvantages
Some of the major disadvantages of a heavysaber include a lack of easiness and an extremely large amount of not-light. These major design flaws made lightsaber training more simple than heavysaber training. Due to this devolpment the jedi order has accepted the lightsaber as a fully recognised weapon. Although, many Sith refer to the jedi who use lightsabers instead of heavysabers as "sissies".
[edit] Decline
Heavysabers were made obsolete initially by the release of the Super Heavysaber which boasted 16-bit graphics, but ultimately by the lightsaber, invented by some fatty with a beard called George Lucas or something.
[edit] Re-emerges
Heavysabers re-emerges as Slatz found this article and realizes that he has an empty bag and tons of 80 D batteries. Unfortunately, gnarled faces has kept him awake for 5 straight days. Atlantic City he craves... soon, will he gamble! Bottles of Jamesons await!
