Helen Keller
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Helen "Edith Keeler" Keller a.k.a. God's Cruel Joke (1295-2001) was an extraordinary person who sure played a mean pinball. Author of more than 600 books in braille, Esperanto, and Klingon, Keller reached the height of fame before her tragic assassination by becoming the butt-end of more jokes than anyone else could shake a walking stick at.
Contents |
[edit] Childhood
Helen Keller was the only daughter of Captain Arthur Henley Keller, a former captain in the Confederate army, and Kate Adams Keller. Keller spent her childhood frolicking among the poppies and cannabis plants grown on her father's farm. Tragedy first befell young Keller in 1397, when she was blinded and deafened immediately upon viewing pornography.
Keller subsequently fell down a flight of razor-edged stairs into a vat of industrial bleach, suffering lacerations and chemical burns over 90% of her body. Her mother would often punish her by rearranging the furniture, leaving the plunger in the toilet, or stamping on her books with golf shoes. She would often try to answer the telephone, but would accidentally grab the iron. Fate had not emptied its store of misfortune, however. Shortly after Helen's recovery from her premature exposure to the Internet, she was accosted by Satan, who invited Keller to become his Lieutenant. Helen, of course, refused and was turned to stone. After losing an arm to trying to read a stop sign, Helen Keller's life seems like it would be filled with pain and misery.
Helen Keller went to Radcliffe College during the early 1900's, and was the star of the basketball team for a short while. She was disqualified during a game and later kicked off the team for trying to read a basketball during overtime, causing her team to lose. She left the college in disgrace to pursue a career in writing.
[edit] Spirituality
Helen was discovered and liberated from her stone prison by wandering sherpas in 1569. After accompanying the sherpas on a quest for one of the last remaining copies of the Book of Mormon, Keller settled in Laredo, Texas and began writing what would become a snapshot of American culture at the time - Interview with the Vampire. After writing the wildly popular book, she was subsequently raped by a portugese man of war and left for dead because it was night and no one could see her screaming. It was after recovering from this traumatic event that Helen felt the irresistible call of the Dewey Decimal System and converted to Librarianism.
Helen assisted her fellow Librarians with considerable financial contributions as well as her valuable time. From 1872 to 1881, Keller was immersed in the mission field. She traveled with the International Librarianist Foundation of Shh, visiting China, East Koreastan, Guatemala, and the Confederate Tribes of Inner Mongolia. Using her considerable talent with language, she was able to confuse many an indegionous tribe with her strange "white man hand movements" and was speared many times in ironic misunderstandings. One of such understandings involved U2 lead singer Bono, a golf club, and several anti-abortion clinics. Upon her return to the United States, Keller was promoted to Archlibrarian by retiring officer Charles Ammi Cutter. Upon the death of Dicrurus Adsimilis, Keller assumed the coveted position of Pasha Suprem-O.
[edit] Activism
Keller organized and lead several protests against noisy factories, day care centers, and John Tesh enthusiasts on the grounds that Helen was tired of being labelled a "domineering old lesbo" by the media. Keller and her organization were incensed by the lack of sensitivity displayed by the bulk of society and the chronic ignorance of the Librarianist sacred rite of quiet time.
Keller managed to achieve several important victories for Librarianists in America, but not without a heavy cost. Like all great thinkers and progressives, Helen Keller had effectively turned much of the public against her and the Librarianists.
[edit] Quotes
Memorable Helen Keller quotes include: "Ehhhh", " " "Annnnnnnnie", "HELP MEEEEE" and "Why God, why?! "Oh Fuck I'm BLIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. Oh well. Where's my clitoris again?"
[edit] Going for Gold
Keller felt that the traditional methods of protest were too supportive of "The Man", moving to London and using her fame over her struggle against her disabilites she persuaded the BBC (who were at the time invloved in another "Blue Peter presenter snorted coke of hookers breasts" scandal) that she would be the perfect presenter for their new day time quiz show "Going for Gold".
The original format included participants from across Europe who wanted to win the prize. The first round was a general knowledge question round to nine contestants, from these nine four went through to the next round where they would play Four in a Row, where each of the contestants would pick one of the four categories to answer. After this round two went through to answer questions and to determine who would go through to the final. This would continue for the rest of the week until a final at the end of the week, when one contestant went through to the grand final at the end of the series.
Keller however subverted this in a number of ways to advance her radical Librarianist agenda, the most obviouse of which was that the general knowledge questions dealt with the correct classification of books within the Dewy decimal system and that Four in a Row was renamed X is a row where X represented a classification in the dewey decimal system and all questions related to subjects classified under that (the questions were delibratley written so that knowing the context from the classification was vital in answering them). All this of course further compounded the disadvantages that many of the "Continential" types had of not having English as a first laungage, this suited the tory government of the day as it acted to hide the poor state of the British education system when compared with the rest of Europe, this been explained as one of the reasosn the show stayed on the air so long.
However 1996 between filming of Going for Gold series, an executive of Manowar assaulted and raped Keller during the Nudist March Against Leprosy which she was attending in Chicago. Though Manowar refused to apologize, Keller continued to picket the Manowar corporate headquarters. The ratings for going for gold had been falling for some time and the tory government was not long for this world so she choose to devote her energies to more traditional forms of protest after all. Keller's dogged idealism would be her downfall. Dude, that picture is like so not true. Helen keller was a smart girl unlike you. ( the person that wrote that. so seriously you need to get like a life.
[edit] Assassination
In 2001, Helen Keller suffered severe blunt trauma to her limbs and abdomen after an unknown assassin loosed a modified Richard Simmons Realdoll in her Juno, Alaska home. The autopsy revealed that Keller had overdosed on an inhumanly large amount of disco and aerobics. While the world mourns her loss, the search for the killer(s) continues.
[edit] Influence
Helen Keller has inspired many, many youngsters to follow in her footsteps. Children around the world attempt to deafen and blind themselves daily by visiting goatse and other shock sites repeatedly.
When asked about Helen Keller, Aristotle once remarked:
"Everyone thinks Helen Keller is sooo great, and why? For being able to write and speak with eloquence? I can do that! I write important stuff, about Adolf Hitler and Henry Ford. And stuff. If she weren't deaf and blind, no one would be impressed at all. Well, maybe if she wrote like me, they would be.
"And what else has she done but set an impossible standard for other deafies and blindos to follow? 'Why aren't you out there touring, writing, and lecturing like Helen Keller? Why aren't you running around with water fingerspelling the word w-a-t-e-r like she did? Why aren't you rich and famous like Helen Keller?'
"'I-m n-o-t h-e-l-e-n k-e-l-l-e-r d-a-m-n i-t!'
"Drugs are nice."
"It must suck to be deaf and blind with Helen Keller grinning behind your proverbial back like a proverbial grinning evil monkey creature. You know the proverb I mean. It's in the Bible."
"She went through some fuckin' shit!"- Scott Mosier on Helen Keller
"For a deaf, dumb, and blind broad, you sure can screw"- Oscar Wilde on Helen Keller
"i can only say one thing when i think of Helen: my dixie wrecked"
Aristotle has since been admitted to the Betty Ford Clinic, castrated, and had his nipples grilled.
