Hello Kitty

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Something adorable this way cometh.

“Hello Puppy, Hello Meatloaf ,Hello Moto, Hello Shitty, Hello Kitty”

~ Paula Abdul

“AAARRRGH!!!”

~ Kitten huffer on Hello Kitties' revenge

“OK OK OK QUIT looking at me like that. So what if I missed the mouth?”

~ God on Hello Kitty.

“Heeloo Kitty”

~ Some Single Guy on Catch lines to cats without a mouth

“Heere pussy pussy pussy pussy, heeeeeeeeerre pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Hello Kitty.

Hello Kitty is a propaganda device created by the central intelligence division of the Japanese government, S.A.N.R.I.O. (Sacled Ancestol Nihonjin Rove Itarian Octopus) made entirely out of pureed cat corpses and Play-Doh. The design for Hello Kitty was finalized in 1938 as the brainchild of the HellPussy Project, which was initiated to exploit the mind-controlling properties of unbridled cuteness over the Japanese public

[edit] Hello Propaganda

Promotional poster for Hello Kitty's presidential campaign.

Since Hello Kitty first appeared, she has been used in numerous propaganda campaigns of the Japanese government.

Attempt: Make women more submissive

Background: In 1939 a man in the crowded Ginza district of Tokyo was openly admonished by a woman in a loud voice that the man "raped her brutishly", when she had in actuality desired to be raped more gently, and wanted more dramatic buildup before he began. Not surprisingly, the man committed suicide out of shame two days later, prompting the Japanese government to implement Hello Kitty for the first time. Hello Kitty, with her lack of mouth, demonstrated in a series of posters and women's magazine advertisements the virtue of "bitches shutting the fuck up".

Result: Mild success.

Attempt: Ease the hunger pangs of a starving wartime Japanese population

Background: During WWII the mouthless aspect of Hello Kitty was emphasized once again, this time to represent the empirical Japanese ideal of not eating food, and rather putting money toward the production of a gigantic robot to be piloted by a pre-pubescent boy to annihilate the Allies.

Result: Failure. People were still hungry. The finished product of the giant robot didn't look cool enough and thus was scrapped.

Attempt: Make women temporarily disinterested in sex with men

Background: In the American Occupation era, Japan was visited by throngs of horny white men who wanted nothing more than a little sushi action. In order to preserve Japanese Purity, the Hello Kitty Vibrator was developed by the Japanese government in hopes of satiating the carnal desires of their women.

Result: Failure. Most Japanese women opted for doubling their pleasure by using the Hello Kitty Vibrator anally while getting banged the baby-makin' way by MacArthur and friends.

Hello Kitty deploying her anti-testosterone.

Even young Japanese boys were targeted with "Hello Mass Destruction Kitty."

Attempt: Eliminate excess testosterone in the Japanese male

Background: In the Bubble Era of the 1980's, a Japanese man invented bukkake, which soon became rampant across the nation. Soon even top government officials were not able to obtain a bukkake virgin for a wife, and thus Hello Kitty was deployed once again. This time heavy propaganda campaigns were carried out by putting up testosterone-crushing Hello Kitty posters in public men's bathrooms, and offering snappily adorable Hello Kitty goods complimentary at horse racing tracks, and other bastions of male leisure.

Result: Success? Androgyny UP! But birthrate DOWN!

Attempt: Get mad money to fund capture of U.S. military bases (theory)

Background: In the present day, Hello Kitty products are a worldwide hit and their pure and undeniable cuteness alone is enough to brainwash the Japanese and Americans and push absolutely inane products featuring her likeness. Proceeds are believed to be going towards the creation of a series of gigantic bio-mechanical robots, each holding the souls of past Japanese emperors tp take over the world. Soon American base are helpless like baby.

Result: ???

The Statue of Kitty was built in Hong Kong, in order to catch Mickey Mouse.

Hello Kitty is found on countless products worldwide. This is an example of the Hello Kitty AR-15.

Darth Hello Kitty fan.

[edit] Further reading

Billions and Billions of Plush Toys-- Trying to monopolise the toy world, Carl Sagan, 1990
History of the Warfare between Science and Hello Kitty and how the Kitty is winning, E. B. White, 1942
The Wrath of Hello Kitty, Masters & Johnson, 1969
I Have No Mouth & I Must Be Cute -- A Full Autobiography of my Fuhrer, Hello Kitty, 1989
Philosophiae Naturalis Principia Dominato Hellokittica, Sir Isaac Newton, 1677
The Complete Idiot's Guide to -- HELLO KITTY -- A Guide To Summoning The Purest Since Cthulhu , John Steinbeck, 1946
Hello Kitty for Dummies -- Ada Miasa