Henry VIII
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Henry VIII, nicknamed "Henry the Ate" was a member of the British royal family until his death from gonorrhea some time in the middle ages. He was also a n00b.
He was the son of Queen Elizabeth of York and Lord Dougal McAngus of Edinburgh, Selkirk and Peebles. His illegitimacy was hidden, due to his stepfather King Henry VII actually being the female-to-male transsexual Henrietta Tudoria Doubtfire. To completely cover it up, Henry killed Lord McAngus by having him stick his head down a cannon and setting it off when the Scots lord wasn't looking.
Henry VIII was an irritable, foul-tempered, nasty brute with ginger hair and a beard, most famous for having six knives. Despite this he still managed to get 18 women, because of the magnificent girth and length of his wealth, power, stomach and willy. Henry VIII is well known for his chronic addiction to Viagra cookies. He believed they would increase his chances of having a son. This has been noted as a contributing factor to both his large willy and large stomach. Henry VIII was a well educated individual, studying many languages, musical instruments, and telecommunications.
One of his less well known acts was cannonising people (no, that is not a misprint). Some of Henry VIII's better known accomplishments include separating the Church of England from the Roman Catholic Church by building a wall between them, building Cambridge University single-handedly, recording with the Beatles at Westminster Abbey, marrying 18 women (including his foxy sister-in-law), uniting Wales with England, and getting a trophy for winning at cricket. In later life, Henry VIII ate all his 18 wives, starting with the feet, and then going up. This process eventually led to the nickname "Henry Ate" as in:
“Uh oh, looks like HENRY ATE another wife!”
~ William Shakespeare on Henry VIII
“I don't have time for this shit”
~ The Pope on Henry VIII
Henry VIII made his money from killing (and eventually eating) his wives, getting the insurance money, and then buying a new wife. Once his new wife either became "too blah", or bore a child that turned out to be female, Henry VIII had her killed (accidentally, of course) and bought another one with the earnings. This, combined with Galileo's love of cheap hookers, also led to the sharp increase in popularity of the mail order bride industry in the early 1500's. Eating his dead wives has also been assumed to be part of the reason why Henry VIII had such a large stomach.
Henry had three children who survived infancy. His only son Edward, when he was nine years old, decided to switch places with a porpoise and drowned soon after. His eldest daughter Mary was a pyromaniac vampire who enjoyed burning Catholics and eating them afterwards - a trait she apparently inherited from her father. Mary was eventually defeated by her half-sister, and became a ghost who haunts mirrors and has taken to killing girls at slumber parties. Henry VIII's younger daughter, Elizabeth, became Queen Elizabeth I - she inherited her father's gingeriness but not his enormous mojo.
His current incarnation on Earth is Larry the Cable Guy, as recognized by the large stomach, ginger beard, and semi-fluent English.
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[edit] You might not know this but
- He is the chairman of Luton Town F.C..
- He is not actually related in any way to Henry the Ape!
- He speaks more languages than you: English, Engrish, French, Latin and Pig Latin.
- He never gave birth to any sons; neither did any of his wives... yes he did... his name was edward.
[edit] Chronological list of his knives
- A brass one
- A wooden one.
- A gold one.
- A broken iron one.
- A knife made of pure meat.
- A sharpened wives arm that he forgot to eat.
[edit] Chronological list of his spoons
- A purple one.
- One with Elmo painted on it.
- There was no spoon.
[edit] Chronological list of his Codpieces
- a long sticking out one.
- a glow in the dark one.
- one with a zipper.
- a see through glass one.
- a tight leather one.
[edit] Chronological list of his wives
- Cardinal Wolsey -1620. Was killed when he made bleeping truck reversing noises when Henry was backing up. Was knocked out of a window and landed on the guillotine.
- Mary something - 1621. Was killed with a rake at dawn for daring to look at her husbands breeches.
- Queen Latifah 2004. Bore him an elephant which brought down the whole house. Was subsequently banned from Hampton Court but she refuses to this day to give up her title.
- Anne Boleyn - 1622. Bore him a daughter, Elizabeth I. Was drowned in a bucket for whimpering something about cheese at breakfast.
- Jane whatever - 1624. Suffered death from a knight of the King whilst shopping in Tesco's.
- Anne again - 1625. Was tied to a VW beetle and dragged through the streets of London while a crowd of peasants bayed for her blood.
- Britney of Birmingham - 1628. After suffering a miscarriage, and failing to produce another child, was fed poison in her bedchamber until her head dropped off. BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
- Princess of Bulgaria - 1630. died in the 9/11 bombings.
- Mary the 1337 - 1631. Was crushed under the weight of her crown, and was Queen for only one day.
- Sandra el Mingio - 1631. Got a seizure from playing too much XBOX.
- Dave - 1633. Beheaded under the Great Oak of Windsor Castle for not beening girlie enough.
- Caroline of Denmark - 1634. Had a mobile phone attached to her skull until she developed a brain tumour, this took over 9 hours.
- His sister - 1635. 'Canonised' - i.e. fired out of a cannon as Henry realised incest was illegal and immoral under his own laws.
- Mary something to do with apples - 1637. Beheaded with a shovel, then a brick, then another shovel.
- Anne of Cleves - 1639. Forced to smoke pot until she died laughing at Ren and Stimpy.
- Bob (long name for the: Kate)- 1640. Unknown.
- Face of Antarctica - 1066. Ate his own face whilst playing bingo
- Kevin Costner of Crete - 1642. Unknown.
- Jane Seymour - 1643. Had to leap from a pylon to escape the King's sword, and died. Later miraculously recovered and became an actress, married James Bond before going crazy and divorcing him to spend the rest of her life having with horses. Her body has been declared one of the Seven Wonders of the World.
- Lady Gareth - 1644. Drank orange juice to try and appease the King, it sadly failed, and she was burned as a heathen at the stake.
- Josephine of Grimsby - 1645. The only information we have on her life is boring.
- Drew Hart - Had her killed for being so annoying and always complaining.
- A ladybird named Fred.
- Catherine Hepburn's mum - Died when the famous ship HMS 26 Embarrassed Swedish Sixth-Graders Sing Czech Crapsongs drove into a icetree somewhere between Japan and Ivory Coast.
- Dog the Bounty Hunter - Overdosed on a combination of Viagra and Yaz.
Barmy British Stuff 
