Herman Edwards
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Contents |
[edit] College and NFL Playing career
The son of his father and mother, Edwards played college football at the University of California in 1972 and 1974, at Monterey Peninsula Junior College in 1973, and at San Diego State in his senior year, 1975. Classmates say he showed a distinct lack of interest in anything but football, and showed none of his future skills. In fact a common joke was "Herm could burn water".
In the NFL, Edwards played nine seasons with the Philadelphia Eagles from 1977 to 1986, making a championship appearance with the team in Super Bowl XV. Edwards spent 8 years as a player in the NFL, mainly as cornerback for the Philadelphia Eagles, Los Angeles Rams and Atlanta Falcons. He is mostly remembered for being the player who recovered a fumble by New York Giants quarterback Joe Pisarcik on a play known as The Miracle at the Meadowlands. Pisarcik later revealed he was too busy laughing at an inspirational comment Edwards had made to his team, and fumbled the handoff. This would become the first documented proof of the Hermism.
[edit] Early coaching career
After his NFL career ended, Edwards spent time in various minor coaching roles with San Jose State, and the Kansas City Chiefs. It was just after he joined the Tampa Bay Buccaneers that Edwards had an experience that would alter the course of his life. During a team practice, part of the scoreboard, including the clock, collapsed, killing seven members of the Buccaneers. Pro Bowler Warren Sapp suffered minor toe damage, transforming him from a mild mannered fellow to a raving egomaniac. The falling clock narrowly missed Edwards, and the shock of the event left him with a lifelong fear of anything to do with clocks.
Tony Dungy, the then head coach of the Buccaneers, and Edwards' friend, finally forced him into therapy, as his aversion to timepieces was resulting in a distinct lack of punctutality. It was here where Edwards' real career began. Dr. Carl Petersen urged him to take up a new hobby and suggested cookery. As result of some experimentation, Herm realised he had a flair for the art of Barbecueing, and decided to devote his life to it.
In 2001, the New York Jets were looking for a new head coach. The NFL Commissioner at the time, Paul Tagliabue, had instigated a new rule for NFL teams when hiring coaches. The Rooney Rule required teams to interview prospective coaches with no head coaching and no offensive/defensive coordinator experience; but more importantly skilled in areas that had nothing to do with football. As a result of his interview, and a dinner consisting of ribs with Edwards' own homemade BBQ sauce, the Jets owner, Woody Johnson announced Edwards' hiring.
[edit] Head Coach of the New York Jets 2001 - 2005
In his five years as Jets coach, Edwards compiled a spectacular 39-41 record, including a 2-3 record in the playoffs.
2001 proved to be the first decisive test of Edwards' coaching ability. Demonstrating his strong leadership style from the beginning, the Jets finished 10-6 as Edwards personally kicked the Jets into the playoffs against the Raiders. However, the following week, the rest of the team lost in the Wildcard round to the same Oakland team by the score of 38-24.
In 2002, the Jets did not meet with such instant success, starting 1-4. Retreating to his BBQ grill for inspiration, Edwards decided on the tactic for which he would later become famous for; starting quarterback Vinny Interceptaverde was "Thrown Under The Bus". The team finished 9-7. Following this bold display of leadership, Edwards and the Jets majestically won a 3 way tie with the New England Patriots and the Miami Dolphins to win the AFC East. The Jets advanced through the Wildcard round this time, brutally crushing his mentor Dungy, who had by now moved to the Colts. In the divisional round against the Raiders, Jets QB Chad Pennington failed miserably in executing Edwards' flawless game strategy and the Jets lost the game 30-10. It was later shown that Pennington's poor ball handling skills were caused by excess BBQ sauce still clinging to his fingers after an Edwards rib fest the day before.
In 2003, the Jets finished with a 6-10 record. One notable incident during this season was when John Abraham crashed his car after sampling a little too much salsa sauce at a team BBQ. He was suspended for one game because it was discovered that the salsa came from the Paul Newman grill, which Herm was boycotting at the time. As a result of the team's poor record, Defensive Coordinator Ted Cottrell was banned from the team BBQ and later "thrown under the bus".
2004 proved to be a successful season, but with a disappointing finish. The Jets finished with a record of 10-6, and played the San Diego Chargers in the Wildcard round, defeating them in overtime, thanks to an amazing display of Martyball by the Chargers. In the divisional round, the Jets showed an amazing lack of offense in losing to the Pittsburgh Steelers by a score of 20-17. This defeat culminated in an orgy of blood letting, as Herm once more displayed his honed skills in the ancient martial art of "throwing you under the bus".
2005 would prove to be an unmitigated disaster. Joe Namath, the blonde, blue eyed, 62-year old successor to Chad Pennington, had damaged his shoulder during the season, but Edwards was able to use his Hermism Power to convince him to play on. He delayed surgery as it would have resulted in being unable to attend the end of season BBQ. As a result, he seriously injured the shoulder. The backup, Jay Fiedler, the man voted "most likely to play the part of Dumbo in a Disney remake" was injured a few plays later. The Jets season went from bad to worse. Brooks Bollinger and Vinny Interceptaverde completed the season, and the Jets finished with a dismal 4-12 record.
[edit] Escape to the country
Edwards was the subject of much condemnation from Jets fans as a result of the previous season. After an ongoing campaign by a rival BBQ company, Edwards tried to use it as leverage for an improved contract. Jets owner Woody Johnson refused to give in to Edwards demands, and as a result, Edwards ran off to the Kansas City Chiefs. The Jets received a fourth round pick, and 15 crates of BBQ sauce as compensation. Everyone rejoiced, apart from noted fat guy and amateur journalist, Mark Cannizarro. To celebrate his arrival in Kansas, a grand barbecue was held, during which, the remains of Warpaint, the Chiefs' long dead horse mascot, were disinterred and grilled by Edwards in a welcoming ceremony. Warpaint was served with cajun sauce, rice and beans, and a nice salad.
[edit] Head Coach of the Kansas City Chiefs 2006-2009
In the 2007 season the Chiefs finished 4-12, but began the year 4-5 and only one game behind San Diego with Damon Huard as QB. Herm, realizing that his team was actually in playoff contention, benched Huard for untested Brodie Croyle. The Chiefs never won any of the 12 games that Croyle played in, and finished 2007 with a 9 game losing streak, the worst Chiefs record in 30 years. Controversy also happened in the running and kicking game. Larry Johnson injured one of his chicken legs, and realizing the Chiefs did not have a prayer, Herm Edwards first tried to enlist Christian Okoye, but settled on Priest Holmes. In the kicking department, Herm's draft choice Justin Medlock was cut after the first game and replaced with Dave Raynor. Raynor was cut after the Oakland game when he missed a 33 yard field goal by kicking it in the opposite direction. Raynor was replaced with Civil War Veteran John "Cannon" Carney who also promptly fizzled. The bright spot in the 2007 Chief season was Tony Gonzalez set the NFL record for tight end completions. In the locker room after the final game Gonzalez summed up the season. "We're underachievers. It's embarrassing. It's frustrating. I think it's ridiculous. We're one of the worst teams in the NFL, record-wise. That's something I never thought would happen out here in Kansas City." Seeing dissention in the ranks, Herm responded by telling everyone to "Get over it!" Fans responded by burning their season tickets so Herm quickly took steps to correct issues after the 2007 season was over. After promoting Mike Solari from Offensive Line Coach to Offensive Coordinator in 2007, Herm decided that Solari had to be "thrown under the bus". He was replaced with Chan Gailey who shares Herm's football "philosophy" including devotion to the winged-T offense and leather helmets. 43 year old Chiefs owner Clark Hunt took time out from playing with his Ninja Turtle Arrowhead Stadium Transformer Toy to talk to the media and express his support for Herm Edwards and GM/Dictator for Life Carl Peterson so long as they change his daiper. However Clark did warn that if the Chiefs did not contend for the playoffs in 2008 there would be no year end team BBQ. Clark, Carl and Herm all agreed that Dick Vermeil was responsible for the Chiefs demise by letting the team get too old. However, they were too busy studying game tape of the KC BBQ Cookoff Championship to realize the New England Patriots had an older team and went 16-0 and to the Superbowl in the 2007 season. Chief's fans, finally realising what they have to look forward to, are committing suicide like lemmings. It is estimated that after 2 more years of the Herman Edwards reign, the number of Chiefs fans worldwide may only number in the hundreds.
[edit] Criticisms
Experts have criticised Edwards' teams for their slow start to seasons. This may be valid as Edwards spends pre-season working out new recipes for the end of season BBQ rather than get the team ready for the upcoming season.
After the Buccaneers clock incident, Edwards' paranoia of all things clock related have led to accusations that he simply cannot manage a clock. Edwards countered by hiring Dick Curl as Chief Clockwatcher. However, recent events have shown that Curl was in fact blind, but still did a better job than Edwards.
Edwards coached teams have always stuck rigidly to the Herm Playbook. This playbook consists of this: Run, Run, Pass, Punt. Edwards is on record as saying any drive that ends in a punt is a good drive.
[edit] Hermisms
Edwards is known for his speeches and soundbites given whenever he senses media attention. Most of these, however lead to much head scratching amongst mere mortals. The Iraqi Information Minister has recently acknowledged that he learnt his trade from Edwards.
"In life, what we do is in the toy department"
“I’ll get on the preacher’s box now.”
“We’re on the bus"
"“I did a lot of preaching this week. I had my sermons ready. The good part is the congregation was listening. I wish I had passed the collection plate. I would’ve made a lot of money. But I did it for free.”
“When you go to the prom, you go rent your tuxedo, you get one of those big limousines and you feel pretty good. The next day you come to school, you're driving a Volkswagen.”
"This is what's great about sports. This is what the greatest thing about sports is. You play to win the game. Hello? You play to win the game. You don't play it to just play it. That's the great thing about sports: you play to win, and I don't care if you don't have any wins. You go play to win. When you start tellin' me it doesn't matter, then retire. Get out! 'Cause it matters."
"When you're a head coach, you don't know where to stand," Edwards said. "You're screwed up. You go on the field, no one's talking to you. `Somebody's gonna talk to me.' You don't know what to do. So you go over and talk to the other head coach, and kind of shake his hand, then you go, `Where do I stand?'
"I don’t want anybody to think all of the sudden we lucked our way into this deal. We didn’t luck our way into it. We won our way into it just like those other teams had to, and they didn’t do it."
"I'm sure whatever decision I make will be criticized. But that's okay. As long as my decision gets top billing on 'Pardon the Interruption,' I'll be happy."
"This league is about disappointment. At the end, there is only going to be one team winning the Super Bowl, and everybody else is going to be disappointed."
"You know what, you find out about what kind of coach you are when you have seasons like this, not when you are rolling and going into the playoffs. I have been on both ends of this. I have had a lot of playoff teams and it is not even hard to coach. You just blow the whistle and just let them go outside. You do not worry about it."
[edit] Publishing career
A prolific author, Edwards has had 27 books published in the last 5 years. 11 recipe books, and 16 books of motivational self-help books, full of hermisms. He has now appeared a record 19 times as Book of the Month on Oprah's Book Club, and is considering a move into fiction, with his next book, provisionally titled "Winning the Super Bowl"
[edit] Personal life
Herm is married, to Lia, and has two daughters, Gabrielle and Vivian. Edwards has 2 sons from a previous relationship, Sperm and Marcus.
