Hib of Midlothian FC

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Hibernian fc, colloquially known as the wee team, are a football team from Ireland. They currently play in the Brazilian premier league and are doing ever so superbly well exporting their unique brand of flair football. Last season appointed Mixu Faatelainen as manager. They are renowned for forsaking the shallow pursuit of trophies in favour of attacking, flowing football which regularly attracts millions of people to easter road. They have perfected this for over 107 years. Their fierce rivals Heart of Midlithuathian FC have recently learned to spell and recently taken to forging entries to well established encyclopedic websites. Numerous web users have been warned of the falshehoods purported by this registered terrorist organisation and are currently under review by the United Nations Security Committee.

[edit] First Derby Match

The first Edinburgh Derby was arranged soon after and the Farts team jogged on to the pitch in the Meadows that sunny Saturday afternoon to the delight of their 100,000 supporters clad in their traditional maroon, white & blue - waving Union Flags - who sang along to "God Save The King" and another favourite at the time "Hello, Hello" written specially for the Farts by Sir Walter Scott, the bus convener for the Borders Farts Supporters Club who also penned their name - The Fart of Midlothian. Their captain King Willie Bauld and his team including Drew Busby, Willie Gibson and John Colquhoun entertained the crowd with their breathtaking keepie-uppie skills as wee Johnnie Hamilton warmed up by breaking the Scottish all-comers 100 yards sprint record down the touchline. Johnnie was later to win the famous Powderhall Sprint for the next 21 years wearing a balaclava and under assumed names such as Pilmar Smith and George McNeill.

The Hibernians changing tent remained closed with sounds of argy-bargy inside. Mr Turnbull had failed to explain to his team of (not too bright) Irish tykes that they had to leave their hurling sticks behind and that they could only kick the ball in the Scottish game. Finally they agreed to the take-on and emerged from their tent to cheers from nearly 250 of their friends & family who had made the horse & cart trip up from Leith.

The game kicked off five minutes late and Farts were 8:nil up at half-time, finally roasting the Leith team 23-0. Farts were to go on to an undefeated 22 in a row against their local rivals.

[edit] Hibernians Struggle On

Over the next few years Hibernians struggled on until signing an English centre forward called Joe Wanker. Their fortunes changed for the better when the prolific goalscorer was joined by Tommy Younger in goals, Micky Weir - a deaf & dumb local boy who worked in the Leith rental business and Willie Ormond, a wily wee winger from Musselbury. Their support had increased ten-fold to nearly 2,500 when it all came crashing down.

[edit] Hibernians Go Out Of Business

Father O'Petrie

Chic Murray - Hibs Supremo

After the final match of the season the Hibernians treasurer, Father O'Petrie was locked in his candlelit howf counting the days takings. It had been the Hibernians biggest game of the season and once he had counted all the lemonade bottles and jam jars - which they accepted for entrance money - he sent a wee lad called Tommy down to the Dukes Heid with four barrows loaded with glass bottles.

Wee Tommy ran back to the howf with the money (less some he snaffled for a fish supper) just as Father O'Petrie was locking up. Tommy emptied the money he got for the bottles into Father O'Petrie's big brown bag and he disappeared into the dim gas-lit Great Junction Street and was never seen again. Apparently, it later emerged that Father O'Petrie had absconded to Canada with all the money, wages and postage stamps.

Hibernians were thrown out of the Scottish Football League and although they were re-formed a few years later as Hib of Midlothian and under the guidance of dream-team management duo Chic Murray & Frankie Vaughan, they won the Scottish Cup in 1902 .. the success was to be short-lived and for the next century Hib of Midlothian FC could only dream of that heady day in 1902 and the last time they won the Scottish Cup.

[edit] 70s revival

Nothing was heard of Hib of Midlothian for the next 75 years when they won the league cup. They employed the well-known hypnotist and raving Edinburgh poofter Robert Halpern to assist the manager to sign players like Jimmy O'Pork, Alec Crapley, Tony Higgins and Jim McArthur - the goalie with the dodgy hands. It worked but when Halpern suddenly snuffed it the players were left in a footballing timewarp whenever somebody snapped their finger. Realising this, Dixie Deans snapped away during a Cup Final and the Hibs were humiliated at Hampden by Celtic - going down by a record score - the first of many Hampden Humiliations they were to experience over the next 30 years.

[edit] Famous Fans

In an everlasting episode of football mediocrity for Hibs since those long forgotten days in the early 1970s when the famous Bay City Rollers were regulars at Hibs games, the only other highlight for hibees was a couple of non-entities (believed to be Tommy Burns's love-children twins) who reached no 95 in the hit parade with a song "Some Shite On Leith" written and recorded by the two hibees fannies, one half-deaf and one half-blind.

Other famous hibees (the name for their supporters) are former TV presenter John Lesbian and his wee brother and ex-Kays catalogue model Grant Stoat, now that hairy, peely-wally, smarmy presenter on the worst ever football programme of all time - Scotsport.