High Wycombe
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“The name of the town is a suitable warning..... High 'Why-Come' ? Why indeed ! .”
~ Oscar Wilde on High Wycombe
“When there's no more room in hell , the dead will walk High Wycombe.”
~ George A Romero on High Wycombe
“This Is SHENEECE yeah okay highcrest ent the best school or w.e i go there so dunt b cussin it or il bang yur heds soo go suk on toes with cheese if yu dun tlike wycombe yy yu on tiis page move out iniit go get a liife SIMPLE! Iniit Safe Tu Adam Me Nd Him B Hypin Tu Dese Hedz Bruv(y) Lool Yu Zimie Alie?”
~ Sheneece on High Wycombe(a typical Wycombe chav/slut who has the best grammar your gonna get in this shit-hole)
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A small market town in Buckinghamshire with a rich chair-making heritage. Dumped between London and Oxford on the M40, where there should be a signpost stating 'KEEP DRIVING'. 100,000 inhabitants; 6 surnames.
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[edit] History
The town is famous for its chair-making traditions, which means most of the people would sit around all day drinking. Since the decline of sitting around all day, the chair industry has dwindled. Arthur J Sisterporker, the person who discovered what legs are for, is the patron amoeba of the town and there are 10 days a year set aside to celebrate his life's work. It is well known that one of the main reasons for the establishment of High Wycombe was to make Reading look better which it has but to a lesser degree than once hoped.
[edit] Architecture
Ask any resident of High Wycombe, and they'll tell you that the greatest architectural work to take place in the town so far was that carried out by the Luftwaffe during World War 2. Since the early 1960s the town has been through constant redevelopement, which has left the town blighted beyond hope. This practise continues to this day, and is endorsed by the local council. The former Bus Station is thought to have inspired the terrorist group, The People's Revolutionary International Wycombe Bus Station-Hating Armed Workers' Soviet Militia who continue to knit pink and brown oven gloves and masturbate with egg whisks to this day.
[edit] Future projects
Currently, the town centre is a building site in preparation for the council's latest pet project, Project Eden. This is an attempt to make the whole town just like the now defunct nightclub Club Eden in its glorious drug fuelled heyday. Wycombe District Council is cuurently involved in talks with Slough council on forming a suicide pact.
The "Eden Centre" will deliver improvements that will place High Wycombe in the top 50 retail destinations in Britain. The prime attraction of the Eden Centre will be a four-storey House of Fraser department store. Certain residents have expressed outrage at this, after all, what sort of maniac could need that many curtains? Project Eden has also "delivered" a shiny new bus station to the town. However, the shiny new buses and drivers that weren't all little hitlers seem to have been lost in the post.
Project Eden will deliver a cinema and bowling alley to the town, although the chances of the locals being able to even pick up a bowling ball let alone bowl it is another matter. The Eden Centre will also have a nightclub in it. Wycombe General Hospital's VD clinic has started a frequent flyer programme in anticipation.
[edit] Local Population
The population of High Wycombe is officially recorded as about 15.4872, since that is the amount of people that can honestly be put into the 'human' bracket. There are approximately 45,342 Kevs (regional variation of the much maligned Chav), 23,198 Big-eared Boys, 1,284 badgers, 311 Wycombe Wanderers FC supporters, 5 gingers, about 4,000 vermin, 923 calpol addicts in Care in the Community projects , 19 deceased ladybird molesters and a large number of Asians, most of whom, much to the disappointment of Daily Mail readers wanting to write racist abuse on this page, are not illegal emmigrants. A number of the population are students, and these highly intelligent specimens can be identified trying drown themselves in the dried out River Wye.
[edit] Genetic make-up of the locals
Some of the residents of this town have not evolved, and that has been scientifically proven by famous anthropologists The Chuckle Brothers. There is a high proportion of Kevs (a slight regional variation on the Chav) in the area, so you have been warned. Zoologists note that they are genetically closer to rabbits than humans, which clearly has an effect on their propensity to breed and the very obvious trait of them all have hideous buck teeth. There is also a deep mistrust of Neanderthal man, who is far superior to a local.
[edit] Fascist Masonic Lodges
The nearby village of West Wycombe is home to the seedy Hellfire Caves, where masonic organisations led by Sir Francis Dashwood commit debauched atrocities against humanity such as kidnapping fair maidens from local schools and re-enacting their favourite rape scenes from the Bible on them, as well as concocting Conservative Party hate campaigns against gays, black music, the environment, and pet toasters claiming disability benefit. These people, however, do not realise that they are infact practicing their evil arts on the site of the largest congregation of Wiccans in Britain. The Wiccans are known to hold the great and almighty god of the cabbage as their leader and thus keep to themselves and their cabbage growing. None of them have the mental capacity however to realise that cabbages do not grow in caves. Yet they persist in believing that the Saviour of the Cabbage will come and free the cabbages, beginning a thousand-year Cabbage Reign on Earth.
[edit] Inbreeding
The South Bucks area is known as a hotspot for incest. To see the effects, visit the following areas:
- Wycombe Town Centre
There is also a certain amount of 'inbreading' (as the simpletons of the town invariably misspell it) going on, and is most evident when you stand around the town watching the locals drag their knuckles through the streets. Some locals are so unevolved they have no knuckles at all because they are unicellular organisms. If greeted in the street with the words "A B Ann?" you will be sussed as a foreigner unless you respond "Oi B orroyt. A B E?"
- Lane End
Lane End is the most notorious village near Wycombe for inbreeding. Its gene pool is so lacking that the local swimming pool is now a commemorative puddle. Lane End also has the highest cousins per capita rate in the world. Second to Lane End in regard to inbreeding would be the village about 4 miles away called Stokenchurch (or Stokey as its inhabitants refer to it). The name Levi is thought to come from the acronym for Lane End Village Idiot, a sought after and highly esteemed position within local society. The M40 motorway was built to provide a barrier to stop stray chromosomes entering the Lane End gene pool from nearby Wheeler End.
- Flackwell Heath
Flackwell Heathens all look the same (the tell tale extended beer-belly, stoned glaze in their eyes caused by them smoking half a tonne of grass), all shout "You f**king legend mate!" to each other (or to themselves if they look into a mirror). The village is most famous for the fact that all of its inhabitants have a genetic disposition to go drink driving every weekend.
- Holmers Farm Estate
The residents of this estate all have the kleptomaniac gene. This was because Robert Maxwell based his cloning project here in the 1980s. However, after his untimely death after an accident whilst snail hunting, the experiment was neglected and the estate is now a war-torn wreck full of Oxford United fans (even more genetically degenerate than their Wycombe counterparts).
- Castlefield
Whilst most of High Wycombe's residents have single-figure brain cells, most of Castlefield's residents are so unevolved they have a single figure cell count for their whole organism. This is mainly because the animal cell theft rate is the highest outside of Alder Hey Children's Hospital.
- Micklefield
Someone couldn't spell Micheal so area went down hill before it started. Micklefield is a wondrous place full of people who aren't ready for the Castlefield Experience, but take turns to share the brain cell. They have an ability to breed like rabbits, and those who live near the woods are often seen running from the trees shagging anything that moves. In onet notorious incident, a wind-blown leaf was 'had' 30 times in a matter of 10 minutes.
[edit] Transport
Wycombe District Council's transport policy revolved around the premise that in order for Wycombe to become one of the best towns in the country, other superior towns on lower ground will have to be flooded by rising ocean levels. In order to reach this goal, the council make it physically impossible to move around town without owning a vehicle that produces more pollution than most small countries.
- Motoring
Most people have adopted the Chav driving posture, with loud stereos, high speed, and a death wish. One particular favourite is to drive through the pedestrianised town centre at high speed 2 inches behind your mate, also driving at high speed. This appears to be some kind of mating ritual. The roads in housing estates are so bad that China is at the bottom of some of the potholes. The AA recommends that you find the road out of town and keep driving. You are additionally advised to never ever look back.
- Buses
There are buses in town but the Health Authority do not advise all human beings not to travel on them.
- Taxis
Don't use the taxis either, especially if there is a strong smell of air freshener. It has been used to cover up the smell of stale urine.
- Cycling
Cyclists are all but an extinct species in High Wycombe. The District Council's attempt to reintroduce these cute animals backfired when rotting corpses lying next to bicycles littered the many mountainous climbs around the town. It is now a criminal offense to ride a bicycle in the town and residents are often awarded medals for mowing down these environmentally conscious blights on society.
- Walking
No-one walks anymore. Anyone seen walking in the town is pinned to the ground, and both legs removed.
[edit] Nightlife
There are a large number of pubs in town, so you can get smashed real easy, no matter how old you are. One pub was reputed to have served an unborn foetus (who was residing inside a regular punter) a shot of absynth. This led to it getting on some documentary on an obscure cable channel, the greatest moment for the town since the first inhabitant was born without webbed feet and fingers.
The many clubs and bars of High Wycombe offer themed nights, such as 'Fuck A Stranger While Drunk' at the Student Union of BCUC , and 'Date Rape Frenzy' at Pure. The local council, however, is trying to cut down the number of bars and clubs, in order to curb the inbreeding.
[edit] Housing
Wycombe District Council does its best to sell the town to the wider population with the catchy slogan, Don't you get the hint by now - Don't live here it's not worth it. As a result the population has rocketed by 45.2% in the last ten hours.
Because of its position on the Chiltern Hills and its rapidly growing population, High Wycombe's slum housing is perched somewhat haphazardly and claustrophobically reminiscent of many cities in South America, like Rio de Janeiro and Caracas.
An interesting architectural feature of the Micklefield estate is that the houses are arranged to read "Bombadier uns!" when seen from above, giving clear instructions to any passing German bombers in future world wars.
Rumours that the way the houses on the Holmers Farm estate similarly read out "Thatcher takes Oscar Wilde up the right ear" in an ancient Runic language are thought to be too plausible for further consideration.
[edit] Sport
The local football team Wycombe Wanderers F.C. have an ability to win games until they discover they are doing well. They manage a complete turn around of luck, and squander any chance they had. They are nicknamed The Chairboys, presumably referring to their defenders who actually sit on Windsor chairs on the edge of the penalty area during matches.
Wycombe have just appointed a new manager, ex-Celtic and Scotland international Paul Lambert & Butler, as part of a sponsorship deal with a cigarette company. Also the stadium, Adams Park, will be renamed The L&B Cancer Stick Stadium. Club MD Steve "Purple" Hayes controversially sacked the hugely popular previous manager Dave Gorman after he was diagnosed by club psychiatrist Sigmund Freud as unfit to continue as Wycombe Wanderers manager. His addiction to making shitty Powerpoint presentations had resulted in the team being more interested in the quest to find another Dave Gorman than winning promotion to the 3rd Division.
The majority of Wycombe Wanderers fans are scientifically proven to be vermin. They spread more disease than your average ACME Disease Spreader and are so stupid that their biggest rivals are Milton Keynes Dongs, a club that exists only in the imagination of a rough-sleeping Albanian cockroach high on strawberries and love cream whilst clapping a pair of loans.co.uk sponsored spacko sticks.
[edit] Education
The notion of education only arrived to this backward town in 1975. Before then residents took all their knowledge from their pet rabbits and episodes of Steptoe and Son. As a result pretty all residents are illiterate, as can be seen with the copius amount of seplling and grammar mistakes what are on this page that you no doubt have been laughing at.
[edit] Schools
The town is renowned for being the surrogate educator of rich people from all around the surrounding counties. Standing out in the cesspits of local inhabitation units (damp-ridden pebble-dashed semis) is the Royal Grammar School, John Hampden Grammar School, Wycombe Abbey and Wycombe High. To get into these schools you must undergo the daunting challenge that is the 11+ exam. And if you don't succeed in passing these exams, you are sentenced to many years at much maligned schools such as St. Bernard's Catholic School or High Crest, where the children are taught by former convicted ferret feltchers and are forced to masturbate to Playdays episodes. Despite the parlous state of the town's education system, it has the best A grade pass rate for "Advanced Car Theft and Shop Lifting" and also for "Hypodermic Recycling" in the country.
[edit] The 11+
If you live in Castlefield, Micklefield, Sands, Totteridge or on the Holmers Farm estate then you have to take the 11+ exam by the age of 25. This is called so because you have to have an IQ of over 11 to pass it. Thus most of Wycombe's population fails. It consists of taking three verbal reasoning exams, being able to recite the succession to the throne, assessment of the candidate's ability to inflict GBH during a rugby game, how good the candidate is at soggy biscuit and finally how many communists the pupil had shot when they served in the White Army in the Russian Civil War. If a pupil fails this exam, he or she will have to attend a local upper school, where a life of crime, destitution, teenage pregnancy and not being a stuck-up twat beckons. If you are rich then all you have to do to pass the 11+ is slip a brown envelope to the relevant head or simply enrol as a boarder.
[edit] Scandals
- Royal Grammer Skewel
The Royal Grammar School has been in the news very frequently recently as a result of a child sex abuse scandal surrounding a deputy head, Nick Cousins who was found guilty of not at least once surreptitiously taking advantage of a game young lad. Whilst drunken locals lobbed rotting tomatoes and rats at the beleaguered deputy head, his famous last words were "Is it such a big crime to have not ever wanted to abuse a defenceless child?" Well, Nicholas, it is in South Bucks.
The same school was then rocked by an even worse sex, drugs and internet mistress scandal with the headmaster Tim Dingle sensationally being outed as a transvetite under the pseudonym of Dim Tingle. This resulted in him being featured in a double page spread in the Daily Mail along with jilted wives and ex's accusing him of consuming drugs he'd stolen off pupils and even a ridiculous claim that he was a competent headmaster, something that was categorically denied by Mr Dingle.
- Wycombe High School
Wycombe High girls are commonly referred to as the 'Whores on the valley', or the 'Sluts on the Slope'. They are all whores who would happily open their legs for anyone. Just walking down the town centre streets proves this point due to the many 'SHAG ME' signs found on street doors, or on market day, on stalls, with a schoolgirl spread-eagled in a nearby location.
- St Bernards Catholic School
St Bernards is a Catholic fundamentalist school made famous for the licentious behaviour of the bog-brained Murphy nuns who frig themselves with crucifixes whilst saying grace before lunch as well as headmaster Fr. Jack Hackett's infamous incident involving drinking all the communion wine during one mass and urinating in the holy water when Baby Jesus wasn't looking.
- John Hampden Grammar
This school has been condemned by the Greenpeace for causing the destruction of at least half of the world's rainforests, due to the amount of paper wasted on giving out inordinate amounts of homework. Amnesty International have also criticised the school, saying they breach United Nations conventions on children's human rights, such as imprisoning pupils in a regime of 27 hour a day teaching timetable. The school's reputation has also been tarnished by the laughably pathetic suicide bombers that they have produced over the years, such as Donald Douglas Stewart-Whyte.
- Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp(AKA: Cressex School)
Recently renamed after a funding boost from an unnamed North American country's military, the Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp (formaly known as Cressex School) is attended by a disproportionate amount of Muslims in comparison to the local population and all pupils must wear orange jump suits. Headmaster Ronald Scumsfeld concedes there are certain uncertainties in the number of untruths that may be stated to be true, but we know they have the bombs because we still have the fucking receipts!
- Wycombe Abbey
Private girls' boarding school erroneously known by locals as the Virgin Megastore. The inmates of this fortresslike establishment are young, dumb, and full of come.
I did mention it was a girls' school, right?
[edit] Universities
The town is also home to the Buckinghamshire New "University," which, despite its name, is not really a university. Many students who turn up from relatively nice and civilised towns from around the country drop out very quickly in disgust of the place that they've been incarcerated in.
[edit] Facilities and places of interest
There is a cinema, but it is out of town, get the hint AGAIN. Don't look around, because you'll only end up getting knifed, and arrested for being drunk. Think Mordor, you come to live here and you will become one of the damned. Another reason not to go to the cinema is that they don't show any movies with a certificate higher than PG. This is due to chavs not being able to understand anything higher.
The Sandhurst Military Academy was originally based in High Wycombe until it was invaded by Chavs in 1066AD, it was then swiftly moved to Sandhurst for its own safety. This was well received all round both on safety grounds and also considered to be more desirable since the name of the College now matched the name of its location.
High Wycombe train station has the largest retaining wall in all of Great Britain. It also featured in the Book of Bunny Suicides where the bunny calculated it would be the perfect place to spectacularly throw himself into the path of the 1323 train to Aylesbury. Even if he missed the train he still was certain to snap his fluffy cute neck.
[edit] Fame
High Wycombe's claim to fame came between 1968 and 1975 when the original Planet Of The Apes films used the town as a location. Many of the town's inhabitants were used as extras and even actors as the film required many gorilla look-alikes. The inhabitants were great for this and 20th Century Fox saved millions paying the unlikely 'stars' peanuts. I guess if you pay peanuts you do get monkeys, and, oh, how well it worked. It worked so well in 2001 Tim Burton returned to film the remake. However this time it cost a little more than before. It was double the number of peanuts.
The town was also once the home of annoying TV Twatface Jimmy Carr, who somehow is tolerable compared to most of the population of Wycombe.
[edit] Terrorism
High Wycombe now enjoys international fame as the 'Al Queda' capital of Buckinghamshire. When visiting you will notice the helicopter gun-ships thundering overhead in an attempt to silence those who keep asking what's going on. It is rumoured that police have unearthed several Dire Straits albums, two pairs of brown polyester trousers, an Austin Allegro, and a half-eaten pie from the Morrison's supermarket. It must be added that the idea that anyone would have actually eaten a pie from Morrison's is pure folk-lore, and must be dismissed as an untruth.
High Wycombe is also home to the terrorist organisation Wycombe District Council who have waged a constant campaign against the wellbeing and happiness of residents under its jurisdiction since time began. The commissioning of really shite building projects such as Wycombe Bus Station (rated the most disgusting building in world by the leading expert in the field, Jimmy Corkhill) and many other eyesores that oppress the people and scare them into being depressed and unwilling to not conform to their opppressive system.
Locals will often say, "At least we are safe, they won't destroy their hometown", but then, suddenly, realise that the destruction of High Wycombe would be for the best.
[edit] Shopping
The town has a market on Tuesday, Friday & Saturday in the High Street. Within these stalls you will find all manner of stolen goods for sale. Behind the friendly faces of the stall-holder lies the sex starved low-lifes without any morals. They will rip you off with bent gear, and call it a bargain. There are shops in the town, and mostly they sell cabbages, razor wire thongs, and the occasional copy of 'Give a dog a bone' story book. This is often described as a work of pure fantasy by those who have tried to eat it with rusty exhaust pipes that have fallen off their first born son.
