High school
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High school is where young tards who have graduated from middle school are sent to learn how to put condoms on cucumbers, occasionally interrupted with the distractions of reading, writing, and arithmetic.
High school was originally a joke. The Huns of the Ancient World decided that it would be rather amusing to put conquered people in buildings together, with old people trying to teach them things.
In the early 20th century, Nazis got the idea that children shouldn't be working. Although the children enjoyed their 16 hour shifts in factories with dangerous machinery and the unstable, dusty mines, women all over Earth petitioned their country's governments to relieve children of their joyful duties. This resulted in massive non payment of taxes. In order to combat the high levels of not paying taxes, world leaders met at the UN and decided to use their last resort, the "high school" (or "Advanced Day Care," as they called it).
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[edit] Adult Content in High school
For many, high school is the most difficult four years of one's life. Studies can be difficult; exams are stressful. However, nothing causes more angst and cerebral social programming than High School affairs of the heart and loins. High School is where many young people learn to kiss, learn about sex first hand (or the second hand) for the first time, or realize that they are in fact, pitching varsity for "the other team".
Social events in high school are much less formally formatted. No longer are dances chaperoned. The goal of all males is to get a cool, hot-looking car, into which a cool, hot-looking chick is to be placed, in whom you may stick your tiny wiener. Dating goes something like this:
Girls begin to learn to make themselves available to the boys of their liking, and they make themselves unavailable to the boys of their disliking. The axiom "Girl chases boy until boy catches girl" from elementary school is once again adopted into the social structure. No longer do girls walk up to boys, punch them, kiss them, and tell them they like them; much more subtle methods are used. Cosmetics are applied, legs are shaved, and things are lifted and separated. Of paramount importance of the boyfriend to the girl are the height of the boy, his age, and his car. In short, the older and taller he is, the more she, as well as other girls, will like him. The first sexual encounter for girls usually involves alcohol, a compromising position, tears, and a pent-up need to lash out at all men for pretty much the rest of her life, especially when she's in her thirties and working retail in a managerial position.
A high school boy will spend four years of his life harder than Chinese Algebra, with little thoughts outside of making any thing that shaves its legs bark like a dog. That's pretty much it; boys' minds aren't really all that intricate.
[edit] High school facts
- While the 1st floor of the building is made to be easy to reach for the dumbest of Fishmen, administration staff begans to notice the positive side effect of "Swirlies" and "Taking out the trash". The now popular phenomenon consists of upperclassmen assisting Fishmen in reaching new lows of trash cans and school toilets. It is now required that high school seniors spend between 10-20 hours each week performing these duties in order to enroll in universities and colleges.
- The Republican Party has adopted a platform that favors moving schools to taller buildings in order to further higher education (and intensify Froshomore fears of being thrown off the building by upperclassmen).
- High schools are also the home of many illegal drugs. Therefore, the average greeting is not a "Hi, how are you?", but "How high are you?" The general response is :"Oh, I'm really fucked up from all the kitten huffing I've been doing!" Schools are conveniently populated with drug dealers that are more than eager to sell students their dope. While the US government doesn't realize it, the majority of drug dealing and drug manufacturing does not occur in South America, but in the average high school cafeteria.
- Adults and TV advertisers like to claim that your high school years are the "best years of your life". These people either never actually went to high school, or lead the saddest, most miserable lives imaginable. Or they are being sarcastic.
[edit] Terms Every High Schooler Needs to Know
Please don't add anything here unless it's funny or we will kick you in the balls. Seriously.
[edit] Main groups of high school personnel
- The Sack Puncher - A boy or girl, who goes about punching guys (or women on some circumstances) in their sacks. This is usually a cause for great laughter in the hallway, even if the victim is crying out of their eyes.
- The Rug Muncher - A woman who goes about eating the rugs in the drama room, in an attempt to garner salt left behind by the feet of the drama students
- Falggeringer - The person who usually brings the school's camel to class. He unfortunately doesn't have friends, so the camel acts as a friend for him. He can often be seen talking, eating, or mating with the camel. Some find this act very disturbing, while for others it is nothing out of the ordinary, especially those in schools located in San Francisco, Berkely, Santa Cruz, your mom, or your sister.
- Teacher - An individual unfortunate enough to have been landed with the task of coaching fucktarded students. Old and uncool.
[edit] Sub-groups
[edit] Self-proclaimed Cool Kids
- Preppies - Usually go to a $10,000 a term private school like . . . Fettes, or EAC. Typical preppies (or "preps") have pulled back messy hair (ew), and wear rugby shirts, huge sunglasses, skinny jeans (most commonly with holes, and uggs. Most preps look down on public school kids, while the guy preps ("jocks") take a step further and think they're "all that," "happening," and that everyone loves them; when jocks are really ugly mutts with no fashion sense. Preps usually die out after college after they realize their parents can't buy them a job. All preps are athletes, but not all athletes are preps.
- Athletes - Athletes are always in sports. Always. Despite having a driver's license, a car, and a part-time job, athletes still rely on their moms to prepare their lunches (hence the wrinkly, brown paper bags they carry around all of third period). Athletes may not be as rich and snooty as preps. One can identify an athlete from the stupid Nike sports bags they carry around to every single fucking class, despite their lockers being ten to thirty feet away from them at any given time. (Go figure.) Athletes get mediocre-to-good grades, due to the fact that they need good grades in order to stay in sports.
- Cheerleaders - Think of cheerleaders as the totally-hot-yet-socially-inept athletes. No cheerleader is a virgin. Ever.
- Stoners - The teens in this group are the most self-righteous, self-confident people you may ever meet (unless, of course, you have been unfortunate enough to meet a nerd with an even larger ego). Stoners are the kids that host parties every weekend and get high practically every day. They're dumb as shit, but they have a strange fascination with music, pornography, and being in a garage band. All of these kids have long, unkempt hair. They also wear flannel shirts, band shirts, or Tye-Dye shirts every day, as in the grunge style. Most potheads can play a musical instrument, and will brag incessantly about it. If you befriend one, prepare yourself for the gazillion gig invites you inevitably will receive within the next five days. Many stoners are Christfags. If they aren't, then they're some sort of religious hybrid of Buddhism and Nihilism. Always. Stoners = Hippies
- Skaters - Skaters, who are closely related to the stoners, are kids who are obsessed with skating. And skateboards. And stickers. And Tony Hawk. And other skateboarders. And skater shoes. Some even go as far as to proclaim their virginity and abstinence from
alcohol, pot, and drugsall things fun and enjoyable, which denotes that they are "sXe," or severely sexually repressed, in-denial Conservative faggots. - Trolls - Trolls are a most peculiar species of high school student. Their humor spectrum is very large as almost everything that doesn't fall under the category of "Trying too hard" is abso-fucking-lutely hilarious to them. They are generally quiet in class, but when the bell rings, they're the most squirrelly little fuckers you've ever come across. Many have weight problems and
personal hygiene issuesB.O. The ones that don't are obnoxious sadists. Trolls are called trolls not only because of their physical upkeep, but because of their malevolent, energetic, and impish behavior, which includes, but is not limited to:- Fucking with people (for teh lulz)
- Making fun of the other kids, despite social rank
- Making fun of teachers
- Making fun of retards ( - Basically, everyone in existence who comes to their attention is under their jurisdiction for bullying and/or ridicule)
- Generally, trolls cannot hold a serious conversation with peers for more than two minutes (despite being above average intelligence most of the time) without spouting something completely random or inappropriate. Sometimes trolls are hilarious, but mainly, they get on everyone's nerves. They don't have many friends due to their being, rather ironically, introverts. Trolls are socially inept, or "socialtards." Basically, a nerd with ADHD and a thirst for blood.
- Artists - Artistic kids think that they're awesome because. they type. like this. and
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punctuating,
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the ones, that,
matter. Their ego can also be attributed to the fact that they wear "super awesome" clothes. That is, flats, tight jeans, flannel shirts, tees, leg warmers, uggs, tights with skirts, and strange hair ornaments.
[edit] Creepy Kids
- Chavs - They have the worst music taste ever and can't dress themselves. The females have at least 100 pounds of makeup on their faces at any given time; while the males are either black or wiggers. After the age of 10, over 9000% of chavs have at least two children.[1] If you're doubting whether there are chavs at your high school, think back: Have you ever seen a girl with badly dyed blond hair in the hallway wearing only large sunglasses, a waist-tight anorak, skater shoes, and pajama pants? She's a chav. Extra chav points if she's chewing gum loudly and talking loudly to her fat, androgynous transvestite friend. Chav = White trash = Ghetto
- Emos - Emodom is just a sad, cheap imitation of goth, one step below transvestite. [2] Emos are totally different from goths, and are not to be confused with them. (You'll piss off a lot of goths if you claim otherwise.) Kids are really "into" their feelings, and are more than often depressed, masochistic sluts. They are definitely not confused; teenagers know everything. Emo kids express their feelings through dress, music, the color black, and the usage of too much eyeliner. The males often wear ladies jeans two sizes too small and possess a girl's haircut. Girls frequently resemble their male counterparts almost identically. Most of the time, these kids can be found hanging around their giant cluster of friends. (See Nonconformity.)
- Goths - Goths are a little higher on the totem pole than emos, in that they are not as unoriginal, and it takes more guts to wear the shitty Hot Topic clothes goths have to don in order to maintain their "awesomeness." Goths are really pissy half the time, and they don't appreciate being trolled by the cool kids.
- Scene kids - This group of kids is perhaps most often confused with the emo clique. Scene kids wear black, but with obnoxiously bright neon colors. Basically, it's like a prep mated with an emo, and the offspring is a scene kid. Typically wear large sunglasses, hideously juxtaposing prep-emo colors, tight pants, and old people shoes.
- Punks - Punks are the musical kids with abstract, retarded humor. They dye their hair strange colors that, on occasion, actually look cool. Punks are pretty laid-back, but the posers that hang out with them are obnoxious preps in grunge-esque punk clothing. May have multiple tattoos and piercings, and a fondness for metal. Most likely middle class, despite the hippie anarchist origins of punk.
- Nerds, also known as Geeks, Dorks, or Brains - Nerds are typically the quiet yet mind-blowingly intelligent kids that sit at the back of the class. There have been some reported cases of extremely loud and obnoxious nerds, but those nerds are usually bullied into homeschooling by middle school, and therefore are not typically found in high school. Nerds are some of the richest kids in school, but for some reason, don't purchase contact lenses. Teenage males make up over 90% of the nerdic population, as females who know how to groom themselves generally grow out of nerdom after puberty. Nerds may be distinguished from other students by their thick glasses, pocket protectors, and NORP clothing. Nerds are the most common form of bully victim. Note: Nerds are not always teachers' pets, and should not be confused with such vile scum.
- Teacher's Pet - Also known as the "Wankster" or "Fugrat," the teacher's pet is the most hated type of student in society. These kids are typically snobs, and are stupid because they have to rely on their suck-up skills to save their grades.
- Outcasts - These are the teens that really follow their own beats, respectively. They don't fit into any other social group, but they inevitably manage to have, like, 20 friends. (Actually, this large number of friends is only possible because of nerdy activities like "Forensics" and "Debate Club.") They tend to keep to themselves and typically date other outcasts, but enjoyable cable TV programs demonstrate that outcast females typically date jocks, unwittingly dating them for a relationship, when all the jock really wants is sex.
- Christfags - These people are hardcore Jesus-lovers. AVOID RELIGIOUS AND POLITICAL CONVERSATIONS WITH THESE PEOPLE. They will never let their arguments die, despite being repetitive and illogical. There is no way to defeat these people, unless you can somehow convince them to read the entire Bible. Their power levels are over 9000 because of their extreme faith in God.
[edit] Terminology
- Portables - Portables, otherwise known as Port-o-Potties or the "Crapping Post", are the mobile toilettes put outside of the facility, so students stay outside while doing their business during Gym class on cold winter days. Through the manipulation of several quantum principles such as Heisenberg's Uncertainty and the Russian Reversal, the temperature of portables is in a state of constant flux, and although it has been noted that in summer they are hotter and in winter they are so cold that Chuck Norris almost noticed. They also smell like crap.
- Kitten-Huffing - It's, well, you know what that is.
[edit] Motivations
The reason as to why adolescents attend college is uncertain. The general response, proposed by Everyday Dumbasses (who should be looked down upon with great condescension), is that high schoolers just want the "college experience" of beer parties, hot chicks/hookers, road trips, dorms, and college grant money.
In the decade of the 1950s, many universities found that they could not keep up with the rising demand for "higher education". A group known as the College Board was formed and insisted that less students get into college. They reasoned that if kids have to go through four years of what they called "Additional School Preparation" before they can gain admission to college, then colleges would have less to worry about, since there would be no more kids coming to college, at least for the next four years.
This helped a great deal as most of the kids got disillusioned with the whole system causing them to drop out before they actually made it to further education. Dam good thing to... As everyone who actually bothered to pay attention in class long enough knows, university is actually where you get all the real Poontang and the less competition there is the better.
[edit] Prom Queens
Prom Queens are an important segment of the High School matriarchy. Just as a beehive houses a queen and thousands of mates, so too does a high school. Active high schools can be found throughout the country with a Porn Queen ready to be pollinated, and a wise traveller should visit many different High Schools at once in an attempt to pollinate the queen.
[edit] Ghetto Schools
By far one of the more interesting sub-categories of high school, and the one with more "high" than "school," if ya kno wut i mean, lol.
- Gangstas - In ghetto schools, all the students try to be one of these, saying that they will gladly "Pop a cap in yo ass" if they don't like you, or think you're too smart.
- Wiggers - Pretty much every other white kid spotted within 100 yards (and on same side of the streets) as a black person.
- Nerds - Anybody who posesses a GPA of 1.0 or higher.
Common homework problems at a ghetto school: Jimmy huff'd a 250 kilo 45% crack soluushun, smoked a 110% pot soluushun, and den left town at da same time as da drunk hoe dat lives next dore. He was goin 250 MPH and she was goin 1,304,133 MPH. What is 2 + 2?
If you got it right, transfer to another school before we beat you up, nerd.
[edit] Prep Schools
Prep schools are like private schools, if a child is not rich they are an outcast and most likely the least high child in the school.
- Prep boys - Smuggle drugs that their parents bought for them into the school through their rectum, ear, and their kitten huffing kittens.
- Prep girls - Buy the drugs off of the Prep boys by offering them sex of the rectum, ear and their kitten huffing kittens.
- Nerds - Pass out upon entering the school do to their extreme asthma caused by the pot smoke that flows from the girls bathroom.
- Poor Kids / middle class kids - Ignored by everyone, they begin to believe that they are just ghosts and do not even interact with one another.
- Teachers - Since all of their students are passed out, high, or having sex, they are free to carry out their regular flatulation and whipping of the students that are not one of the aforementioned things.
Homework consists of - Restock on drugs and Condoms, take a pregnancy test, Wake the hell up and stop drooling on the floor, and for poor kids, put salt and ice on your wrist veins, then dip your arm in a vat of pure 100% lemon juice.
[edit] Online Encyclopedias
High Schools represent valuable entries in any online encyclopaedia, promoting the diverse history and tradition of a particular region. High Schools, along with kindergarten, have a tremendous impact on culture and society.
Writing about your High School will often elicit a response such as "Hey, I used to go there."
If your school is not filled with jackasses and has not been IP banned from editing articles on virtually the entire web, please go to the Encyclopedia and provide detailed information on your school.
