Highlander
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
 This scotland-related article is a toe. It has been stubbed. You can help Uncyclopedia by medicating it.
|
| WARNING This article pertains to Scottish things, dae nothin tae to fix this. It is recommended that while reading this article you wear a kilt, drink Irn-Bru, eat Jock pies and sing Auld Lang Syne loudly. Failure to observe these precautions could cause you unexpected distress and a life of misery in Falkirk. | 
|
“The Highlander was a documentary and the events happened in real time.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Highlander
“There can be only me.”
~ Highlander on Highlander
“There can be only I, you bloody moron.”
~ Percy Bysshe Shelley on Highlander
“Who wants to live forever?”
~ Queen on Highlander
Highlanders are a rare breed of real men from the highlands of Scotland who carry Claymores and kill people (usually English) they dont like whenever they want. Providing many candidates for the SAS, marines and the non-gay British Navy, Highlanders have won international acclaim for their extraordinary acts of bravery when faced with odds that would make common-folk soil their kilts. However highlanders are known to hate each other and when two meet they proceed to carry out a ceremony known as the snippering. The two highlanders are locked in an intense battle of wits and stamina (Chess) and the victor takes his opponents genitals (the only known way to kill a highlander other then colonic irrigation and fast paced metallica albums).
Contents |
[edit] Misleading Highlander Facts
Many different sources claim that there can be only one, but this is completely false. There is actually a multitude of highlanders and, when observed from a safe distance, it becomes clear that they have an overdeveloped ability to utilise curse words. It is a common myth that these have no detrimental effects on innocent bystanders. However, manipulating the correct lexical crudities, a highlander becomes empowered with the ability to crush a skull at 50 meters. The famous blood-bath after the announcement of the foot and mouth cull claimed many victims - they were all Welsh and English though so nobody cared!
It is also false that one can only be born a highlander. It is also possible for one to become a highlander later on in life. The process usually involves some sort of freak accident at a restaurant where large birds are present. The other way is to take the Highlander compass test, which involves jumping off a cliff.
[edit] History
The first known Highlander, Steve Tennis, was made that way due to a freak accident involving tacos and a rather large ostrich. As history progressed, many highlanders rose from the bloodline of Steve, to finally create Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod and Connor Macleod of the Clan Macleod. In the 3000's 7 highlander kings rose to rule Benmark.
- King T * 3019-3265
- King Baltimore Canoe * 3266-3274
- King AKS 8393 * 3275-3276 (a cyborg masquerading as a highlander)
- King Docken Janice * 3277-3390
- King Apple Core * 3391-3700
- King Frankfurt Brown * 3701-3845
- King Donald where's your troosers * 3846-3900
- King Hannek Hannek Hannke * 3901-3999
- The Blancmanges return to Scotland for a rematch at Wimbledon in 4000, winning the title and gaining rule over the Highlanders.
- Emperor Connery (Sean Connery's frozen head mounted on a female pleasure droid's body) rules the highlanders, despite seductive competition from sheep. * 4216 - 12 parsecs
[edit] Highlanders and Sex
It is a well known fact, that has been demonstrated in three of the four documentaries, that once discovered to be a highlander, women will immediately have sex with you. This has prompted a large wave of deaths as many men stabbed themselves in front of women to get them to have sex with them. This rarely ever works out as there is only a small amount of women willing to have sex with a dead person. But if you are a highlander, feel free to stab yourself in front of as many women as you wish, as you cannot die, and they will immediately have sex with you for no reason.
[edit] AKS 8393
Although his time in the kingdom of Benmark was short, due the the lack of updates and a weak firewall, he had a very influential time as the Highlander of Benmark. Such things came into effect:
1:Changed The National Anthem to "Mr. Roboto"
2:The handshake was replaced by the robot.
3:Gained popularity with the youth of Banmark with his "Drugs? OK!" campaign.
4:Eventually lost respect when he devoured an emo kid in the town square and proposed that this must be the way to solve the taco famine.
5:and Finally he just hoped away on his new iSpring
[edit] Highlander film
A recent documentary on the immortal highlanders was recently produced featuring the Sean Connery and The Kurgan a.k.a. the voice of Mister Krabs
A sequel to the documentary was made and made no logical sense yet the events still happened in real time as in 1999,2056,and sometime in the first movie. Another place that is mentioned in the docu-sequel was the planet zeist thus confusing people even more it was clear that this documentary was a rushed docu-sequel and thus never existed. When a highlander was asked about this docu-sequel he responded "there should have been only one".
[edit] Of beer
And the last drunkard stood up! His bulging saggy stomach shined by the firelight. Folds of neck-skin trembled as the blimp stood and raised his barrel. Alas! What saw he beyond the horizon? Could it be a snake? Or perhaps 3 turds strung together. No. It was the grand and holy beer-tube of Saint Bergis, grand drinker of lysol. The drunkard was humbled. How could he, only a common drinker of beer be awarded this relic. His BAC had never risen above 3.2. Then some lady farted and the bar exploded and a monkey shit itself and wiped its turds on itself and then Michael Jackson ran around and got raped by Billy Bob thorton and I lost my train of thought. Oh yeah and Highlander had something to do with this.
[edit] Related Links
Categories: Stub | Scotland | Scottish
