High school
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
High school' is where young people who have graduated from elementary school are sent to learn how to put a condom on a cucumber, occasionally interrupted with the distractions of reading, writing, and arithmetic.
High school was originally a joke. Huns of the ancient world decided that it would be rather amusing to put conquered people in a building, with old people trying to teach them things.
In the early 20th century Feminists somehow got the idea that children shouldn't be working. Although the children enjoyed their 16 hour shifts in factories with dangerous machinery and the unstable, dust choked mines, women all over Earth petitioned their country's governments to relieve children of their joyful duties. This resulted in massive non payment of taxes. In order to combat the high levels of not paying taxes, world leaders met at the UN and decided to use their last resort, the "high school" or "Advanced Day Care" as they called it.
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[edit] Adult Content in High school
High School for many, is the most difficult six years of one's life. Studies can be difficult, exams stressful, but nothing causes more angst and cerebral social programming than High School affairs of the heart and loins. High School is where many young people learn to kiss, learn about sex first hand (or the second hand) for the first time, or realize that they are in fact, pitching varsity for "the other team".
Social events in high school are much less formally formatted. No longer are dances chaperoned. The goal of all males is to get a cool hot looking car, into which put a cool, hot looking chick, into which put a cool, hot looking cucumber. Dating goes something like this:
Girls begin to learn to make themselves available to the boys of their liking and to make themselves unavailable to the boys of their disliking. The axiom "Girl chases boy until boy catches girl." from elementary school is adapted. No longer do girls walk up to boys, punch them, kiss them, and tell them they like them. More subtle methods are used. Make up is applied, legs shaved, things are lifted and separated. Of paramount importance is the height of the boy, his age, and his car. In short, the older, the taller, the more her friends and the other girls like him. The first sexual encounter for girls usually involves alcohol, a compromising position, tears, and a pent up need to lash out at any other man she feels safe lashing out against for pretty much the rest of her life, especially when she's in her 30's and working retail in a managerial position.
Boys begin to well, ruffle the suspect. This is where the division occurs. For the next 30 years men will masturbate as sure as the sun rises in the East, while 90% of women will never have an orgasm. A high school boy will spend six years of his life harder than Chinese Algebra, with little thoughts outside of making any thing that shaves it's legs bark like a dog. Many boys will in fact, shave one leg, so that when they fall asleep at night it feels like they are sleeping with a woman. What? No one else did this? I can't be the only one. Really? You didn't? Excuse me, excuse me Sir. When you were young, did you ever shave one leg? <pause> So that when you fell asleep at night it felt like you were sleeping with a woman. Yeah I'm serious. What? Huh? No, you did not need to tell the manager of the coffee shop. Yes Sir, no, I don't wish to leave. I wasn't bothering the other customers. Yes, ok, I'm leaving. I SAID I'M LEAVING ALREADY. Jeez!
[edit] High school facts
- While the 1st floor of the building is made to be easy to reach for the dumbest of Fishmen, administration staff began to notice the positive side effect "Swirlies" and "Taking out the trash". The now popular phenomenon consists of Upperclassmen assisting Fishmen in reaching new lows of trash cans and school toilets. It is now required that high school seniors spend between 10-20 hours each week performing these duties in order to enroll in universities and colleges.
- The Republican Party has adopted a platform that favors moving schools to taller buildings in order to further higher education.
- High schools are also the home of many illegal drugs. Therefore, the average greeting is not a "Hi, how are you?", but "How high are you?" and the general response is :"Oh, I'm really fucked up from all the kitten huffing!" Schools are conveniently populated with drug dealers that are more than eager to sell students their dope. While the US government doesn't realize it, the majority of drug dealing and drug manufacturing does not occur in South America, but in the high school Cafeteria.
- Adults and TV advertisers like to claim that your high school years represent the "best years of your life". These people either never actually went to high school, or lead the saddest, most miserable lives imaginable. Or they are being sarcastic.
[edit] Terms Every High Schooler Needs to Know
Please don't add anything here unless it's funny or we will kick you in the balls. Seriously.
[edit] People
- The Sack Puncher - A boy or girl, who goes about punching guys (or women on some circumstances) in their sacks. This is usually a cause for great laughter in the hallway, even if the victim is crying out of their eyes.
- The Rug Muncher - A women who goes about eating the rugs in the drama room, in an attempt to garner salt left behind by the feet of the drama students
- Falggeringer - The person who usually brings the school's camel to class. He unfortunately doesn't have friends, so the camel acts as a friend for him. He can often be seen talking, eating, or mating with the camel. Some find this act very disturbing, while for others it is nothing out of the ordinary.
[edit] Groups
- Preppies - Usually go to a $10,000 a term private school like....Fettes or EAC. Typical preppies (or "preps") have pulled back messy hair, and wear rugby shirts, huge sunglasses, skinny jeans, or uggs. Most "preps" look down on public school kids, while the guy preps take a step further and think they're "all that" and "happening" and that everyone loves them when they really are ugly mutts with no fashion sense. Preps usually die out after college, as they realise their parents can't buy them a job.
- Chavs - Worst music taste ever, can't dress themselves and like burberry (BOKE) scottish neds are not much better but they are, they dress worse though, if you don't like chavs or neds don't come to Edinburgh.
- Emo Kid - Emo Kids are diffrent from goths and not to be confused(You'll piss off alot of goths). They express their feelingsthrough dress, music, the color black, and using way too much eyeliner. The males often wear ladies jeans two sizes too small, and possess a girl's haircut. And girls occasionally look exactly like the guys, which looks like girls. or Chyvonne.
[edit] Terminology
- Portables - Portables, otherwise known as Port-o-Potties or the "Crapping Post", are the mobile toilettes put outside of the facility, so students stay outside while doing their business during Gym class on cold winter days. Through the manipulation of several quantum principles such as Heisenberg's Uncertainty and the Russian Reversal, the temperature of portables is in a state of constant flux, and although it has been noted that in summer they are hotter and in winter they are so cold that Chuck Norris almost noticed. They also smell like crap.
[edit] Motivations
The reason as to why adolescents attend college is uncertain. The common, general response, proposed by laymen (who should be looked down upon with great condescension) who have yet to complete their own high school degrees considers a motive that would fit well with the definition of education: to attain greater knowledge and understanding of our world and our place in it.
Most high school scholars would say that's bullshit. Scholars agree. In fact the purpose of high school is merely to delay entrance to universities by four years. It may seem strange to the average reader that society would want to delay entrance to college by four years for no apparent reason, but on closer consideration, the reason for this becomes clear...
In the decade of the 1950s, many universities found that they could not keep up with the rising demand for higher education. A group known as the College Board was formed and insisted that less students get into college. They reasoned that if kids have to go through four years of what they called "Additional School Preparation" before they can gain admission to college, then colleges would have less to worry about, since there would be no more kids coming to college, at least for the next four years.
This helped a great deal as most of the kids got disillusioned with the whole system causing them to drop out before they actually made it to further education. Dam good thing to... As everyone who actually bothered to pay attention in class long enough knows, university is actually where you get all the real Poontang and the less competition there is the better.
[edit] Prom Queens
Prom Queens are an important segment of the High School matriarchy. Just as a beehive houses a queen and thousands of mates, so too does a high school. Active high schools can be found throughout the country with a Prom Queen ready to be pollinated, and a wise traveller should visit many different High Schools at once in an attempt to pollinate the queen.
[edit] Ghetto Schools
By far one of the more interesting sub-categories of high school, and the one with more high than school.
- Gangstas - In ghetto schools, everyone tries to be one of these, saying that they will gladly "Pop a cap in yo ass" if they don't like you, or think you're too short.
- Wiggers - Pretty much every other white kid spotted within 100 yards (and on same side of the streets) as a black person.
- Nerds - Any body who posesses a GPA of 1.0 or higher.
Common homework problems at a ghetto school: Jimmy huff'd a 250 kilo 45% crack soluushun, smoked a 110% pot soluushun, and den left town at da same time as da drunk hoe dat lives next dore. He was goin 250 MPH and she was goin 1,304,133 MPH. What is 2 + 2?
If you got it right, transfer to another school before we beat you up, nerd.
[edit] Prep Schools
Prep schools are like private schools, if a child is not rich they are an outcast and most likely the least high child in the school.
- Prep boys - Smuggle drugs that their parents bought for them into the school through their rectum, ear, and their kitten huffing kittens.
- Prep girls - Buy the drugs off of the Prep boys by offering them sex of the rectum, ear and their kitten huffing kittens.
- Nerds - Passout upon entering the school do to their extreme asthma caused by the pot smoke that flows from the girls bathroom.
- Poor Kids / middle class kids - Ignored by everyone, they begin to believe that they are just ghosts and do not even interact with one another.
- Teachers - Since all of their students are passed out, high, or having sex, they are free to carry out their regular flatulation and whipping of the students that are not one of the aforementioned things.
Homework consists of - Restock on drugs and Condoms, take a pregnancy test, Wake the hell up and stop drooling on the floor, and for poor kids, put salt and ice on your wrist veins, then dip your arm in a vat of pure 100% lemon juice.
[edit] Online Encyclopedias
High Schools represent valuable entries in any online encyclopaedia, promoting the diverse history and tradition of a particular region. High Schools, along with kindergarten, have a tremendous impact on culture and society.
Writing about your High School will often elicit a response such as "Hey, I used to go there."
If your school is not filled with jackasses and has not been IP banned from editing articles on virtually the entire web, please go to the Encyclopedia and provide detailed information on your school.
