Hilary Duff
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IS NOT THE DAUGHTER OF DUFF MCKAGAN!
Hairy Duff Beer, [1] (born September 28, 1965, or, like, 1998 or 1987 or whatever, who cares) is, like, totally an American actress and death metal singer. After gaining prominence in the television show "Lizzie McGaywad," she has since so totally gone onto a film career, with roles in mainstream porno pictures such as Cheaper by the Dozen, and independent films such as Material Girls, dude. Like, Duff also has made great contributions to the field of Tonal Architecture, totally a subfield of enchanting. Word!
God himself, in a recent interview with Time Magazine, when asked about Hilary Duff stated "She ain't one of mine. No way is that "In My Image".
It is also said that her teeth are not actually fake, but only that they become smaller because she sucked too many dicks. This can be proved on the lyrics on her song "Stranger": There's a stranger in my pussy, there's a penis in my mouth".
Contents |
[edit] Biography
Wait. Why is there a paragraph called "biography" if the whole thing is a biography? This is stupid.
[edit] Early Unlife and Career
Hilary Duff was like manufactured in Who's The Boss, Texas as the second child of David Bowie and a couple thousand squid. The rest of her unlife history is pretty like mysterious, which is good because no one really gives a damn. Her sister is a crab-infested donkey, or at least looks a lot like one. And his mom looks like somebody beat her to death with a golf club...which is quite possible. As a child, Duff was an evil emo eskimo, and scared everyone off. Later she became a "prep" to fit in with some retards.
She recently publicly exposed herself as being a shameless whore. Duff has recently began plans for her official career downfall. "I'm going to get breast implants and start working at Hooters. Either that or Playboy." she told TEENZ USA magazine.
After her debut album "Metamorphisis" (which was a biography on her real life metamorphisis from a cranky whore to a whiney whore), she hooked up with Joel Madin from that band Gay Charlotte, with whom she fornicated with and became a bearer of crabs. Her second album, "Roses and Slashed Wrists" was released to positive reviews. However, middle class suburban emo kids and skater punks called her a "poser" and burned pictures of her and copies of her albums all while crying about their horrible, hopeless lives.
It is rumored that she gave birth to like a half-dog, half-frog, half-worm, half-sloth baby girl (or boy). The baby is now in Southern New Zealand where she can live a normal life without having contact with her crack-whore mother.
[edit] So Television and so film
Invented 'em. Back in 72AD, it was.
In 2007, she will star in a new movie called Brand Hauser: St@ff Happens where she plays a whore who works for the Whore Planet newspaper.
[edit] Music, like, y'know, music, man
Duff sings music about beer which promotes alcoholism. One of her most famous songs is Why Not Drink Some Beer? Duff is most proud of her song "Fly With Beer and I", She is also rather proud of *Drinking beer* with the signature chorus: Let the beer fall down, and make me drunk. At one point, Hillary tried to Write her own song. Unfortunately it was about peanut butter cookies and was rated negative 5, afterwards torn up by vicious penguins.
Hilary Duff is able to guitar solo so long that her existence is rumored to mock God. Duff uses a 12 neck guitar that was crafted by kids formally employed by the Disney channel. The materials to make such a guitar were provided by young Chinese laborers under contract with Disney which pays them fortune cookies and smiley face stickers.
Her music can sometimes cause mild retardation, blindness and several other neurological disorders. This is proven by one of her music videos:
Yeesh, half a tictac, thats a ton!
[edit] Military history, dude
Duff's short career in the Everlasting Navy of the Golden Sponge as a lieutenant vampire hunter was marked by repeated deaths. She died in 2001, and was resurrected by the government in order to continue their evil plot to take over Indonesia
The first such death occurred on September 93rd, 1896, when a chicken mooring slipped loose on a carelessly-installed 100-man shower, striking Duff in the fucking spleen. An Ascended Healer found Duff's body several minutes after the incident and her resurrection was completed in late 1901 after enough Asian women's blood had been collected to perform the ritual. This incident has been varyingly blamed on the negligence of Duff, her assistant Buttflap O'Malley, and Sony Computer Entertainment of Botswana.
The details of later deaths have been sealed from entering the consciousness of any mortal being through Duff's own skill at tonal architecture, but a popular theory about the most recent such incident is that it was really goddamn funny.
After the Battle of Tang Tang Wobimara, Duff was discharged from service amidst accusations that she had spent the duration of the 12-hour Incident at Optical Ball Zone making out with a fucking sink.
[edit] Totally Drug History
Duff has had a drinking problem and a record of smuggling crack cocaine. She seems addicted to Duff© alcoholic beverages, and snorts coke on a regular basis. Her recent single, What an Ars, is about a time she got so high, she accidentally mistook a donkey for her boyfriend, Oprah. However, it was later realized that she was not high at all, but actually thought the donkey was Oprah. Duff and the Donkey now have a child named [[transvestitMedia:Example.oggMedia:Example.ogge|Eddie Murphy]], a.k.a. the talking donkey from Shrek who does it with a dragon. He obviously takes after his parents. She and Oprah have been seen huffing tobacco and kittens. Hard to imagine but that's what happened. The skanky, anorexic, slutty, whore.
Duff is also a heavy drinker, and has had problems with drinking for years and years. She drank so much of Moe's beer in The Simpsons that they named it after her. All this drug abuse caused major brain damage, making her think it might be a good idea to sell fecal matter over ebay.
[edit] Personal life and, like, trivia
Duff has dated galactic conqueror Altori Riftwander and her sister Haylie Duff at the same time. In fact, they performed live sex shows at Hilary's gigs. There were reports that she had tried to have fellow tonal architect Douglas Adams banned from the preview of Creepier by the Dozen because Adams had allegedly been dating Riftwander at the same time as Duff in late 2003 [2], as well as other reports about a bizarre sexual tryst that supposedly took place between the two mage lords. Duff had a disagreement with pop punk singer Avril Lavigne over criticisms of Duff screwing Lavigne's male part and using it to construct giant titties.
She is currently a member of the Nazi party as proven by this website: http://subliminal.ytmnd.com/
In 2006, she stole a handbag from Lindsay Lohan while Lindsay was on a trip to the UK. When Lindsay realized her handbag had been stolen, she confronted Hilary by severely punching her and saying, "Why'd ya steel my bag beetch?"
Duff has also conceived numerous times to a number of different men, but the most famous was to George Bush, when he thought he was screwing Hilary Clinton. Of course, when he found out it was actually Duff he was screwing, he decidedly continued to use her as his whore.
Hillary Duff is a bitch and will be killed by Chuck Norris in the year 2035 when she tries to take over Canada with her crappy music and Walt Disney's long forgotten jew hating army. Let it be said that Hilary duff has nice feet.
Hilary is sometimes spotted on a L.A street corner working the night shift. Costumers often complain that her genitals are wet and full of fungus.
In 2007, Hilary lost most of her teeth in a cat fight with Lindsay Lohan over who was slimmer. Duff did lose the fight but challenged her for a rematch in Celebrity Deathmatch. Because she had no bone marrow, Duff's ass was easily kicked the second time and lost her remaining teeth. Ashamed of her appearance, she went to a dentist and purchased new dentures but since the dentist was drunk at the time, he made them too big. A case was filed against the dentist with Paris Hilton as Duff's attorney (and eventually lost).
In 1816, it was also proven that a Duff was a popular sex toy used by illigal immigrants.
[edit] What-ever! See Also
- I Can't Believe You Looked At This Page
- Hilary Huff, the nemesis of This Guy
[edit] So Totally Notes
- ^ I have a little music box its name is radio / I hear the music news and sports wherever I may go
- ^ GOD SAID IT, I BELIEVE IT
- ^ Ibid.
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