Hillbilly
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A Hillbilly is a person with an extra appendage or other deformity as a result of too much inbreeding.
This creature is usually found in America but smaller communities are also found in Mexico, Canada, Tasmania and New Zealand.
The Hillbilly evolved in Northern Albania but moved to Southern Kentuckistan when Albania became too upscale and they refused to answer to the more genteel Hillwilliam. It's common behaviour consists of reproducing with its sisters, reproducing with its mother, and dealing with its Oedipus Complex by sleeping with Grandma. It occasionally reproduces with other species as well.
Famous Hillbillies include: that kid from Deliverance, you know the one with the banjo.
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[edit] Identification
Hillbillies can usually be identified through their toting of shotguns, bare hairy feet, chewing of tobacco, rank odor, and very poor haircuts. Hillbillies constantly have double whammy names. Examples include; Daisy-Mae, Billy-Bubba, Billy-Joe, Billy-Bob, Mary-Sue, Betty-Lou, Jimmy-James, Johnny-Jack, Brangelina, Jacky-O, Wayne-Dwayne George-Dubya and Ben-Hur.
Some may even be called Jesus (see Cheese Jesus}. Hillbillies are also known for their complete lack of knowledge of luxury items, such as cement ponds (swimming pools). In addition they often smoke corn-cob pipes and are missing several teeth.
[edit] Characteristics
Hillbilly families are, on average, four times wider than normal. The females of the species are known to wander the countryside and litter it with womb-droppings everywhere they go.
Confederate flags and pride in the Valiant battle put forth by those "defenders of freedom in the War of Northern aggression" are also charasteristics of many Hillbillies emanating from the South. Moonshinin' is also a family business among many Hillbillies with children as young as four working the backyard "hooch" mills in many hillbilly enclaves. Moonshine is often enjoyed with every meal and drunk out of large convenience store soda cups. Hillbillies produce most of the cannabis and ecstasy employed by urban police forces to keep the niggers down. Likewise, most of France and America's bubble gum originates in the sweatshops of Chattanooga and Boise, where it is produced entirely from recycled products
Hillbillies often relax in their yards in Hammocks made from the dresses of obese family members.
Often outsiders will grow confused when they hear Hillbillies converse amongst themselves. To the outsider phrases like, "Aunt Maw will ya let me be guldangit!" and "Uncle Paw did yoo eet the las' pig's foot?" cause confusion. Until one realizes that when your mother and father are brother and sister your aunt and uncle and mother and father are one and the same (got that?). Hence Uncle Paw and Aunt Maw.
Hillbillies also frequently utter the phrases "You think yer better than me!?!", "Damn Boy", "What The Hell Son", "Get Ma Shotgun Son" loudly and repeatedly when confronted.
[edit] Food
The Hillbilly, like its most recent ancestor the Australopithecus, eats a wide variety of food from all the major Hillbilly food groups- McDonalds, Hungry Jacks, Taco Bell and Discarded Fossilized Twinkies. They also enjoy HoHo's and flat bottles of Coke. There staple diet is Rye bread, beer and raw meat. Another frequent practice of Hillbillies is the re-using of leftover milk from cereal bowls. After the cereal is eaten the unused milk is poured back into the milk container to be used at a later date.
Occasionally they will add some variety to their diet through fresh roadkill, possums, and undifferentiated varmint. They also prey on weak obese kids. Pork Rinds and Hog's maws are also considered delicacies and are often eaten while the Hillbilly watches pro wrestling in his/her underpants on a futon. Every Hillbilly, without exception, will at some point in his or her life eat food identified simply as "innards".
[edit] Clothing
Most male hillbillies will wear checked shirts and overalls. The aforementioned shirts will have curious stains on them, usually old cereal, tobacco spit, animal pee, mashed potato and suspicious red stains that don't show up quite as much as you'd think and that don't wash out. The males hair is usually messy and ruffled after wearing a cowboy (or trucker) hat all day. The female hillbilly will wear revealing hot pants, knee high boots and a shirt thats knotted a tad too high (like Daisy Duke from Dukes of Hazard). Their hair will be caugh up into a dolly parton style beehive if they are married. If you are thinking of banging a female Hillbilly, you should first educate yourself with some informative pamphlets on STDs and the damage they can cause to normal, non-hillbilly people.[1] You can tell a great deal about a hillbilly by his or her clothing, such as the truck he drives, the food he eats, the gun he has, where he lives, and things about his wife.
[edit] Usual Haunts
Hillbillies are usually found in the deep south of the USA, such as Kentucky and Tennessee. They are especially provedent in areas with an out of the way Diner. They can be found reading nudie magazines in their tractors or in their barns. Beware of Hillbillies in gun shops. Especially if you've just fucked their daughters. Usually they inhabit homes built in the 19th century or earlier which lack indoor plumbing, electricity, and a roof. Hillbillies live in the mountains, while Rednecks (not to be confused with Hillbillies) live in trailer parks.
[edit] Bad Matches
Hillbillies do NOT get along with these types of people:
- Japanese
- Northern Mongolians
- Germans,
- Those who shower
- Africans
- Health food addicts
- People looking to score
- Hippies
- Condaleeza Rice
- Hillary Clinton
- Un-Americans (anyone who is not a hillbilly)
- Gay cowboys
- Yinzer's (hillbillies from West Virginia are known to hate these people with passion)
- In fact, any gay person whatsoever, and dem dern clever city folks (people with IQ's above the low fifty mark)
- me
[edit] Good Matches
Hillbillies get along very well with the following people:
- Hillbillies
- Bill Clinton, "that fine, upstanding american"
- Sisters of other Hillbillies
- Brothers of other Hillbillies
- Mothers of other Hillbillies
- Fathers of other Hillbillies
- the prize winning pigs of other Hillbillies
- Their right (or in some cases, left) hands
- The president
- The vice president
- Members of the Moral Majority
- Neo-Nazis
- Your mom (who is also your wife, your second cousin, and your daughter, coincidentally)
- Hickelodeon
[edit] Encounters With Hillbillies
Should you ever find yourself face to face with a Hillbilly, try your best to remember the following procedures.
1. Kill them.
Eliminating the Hillbilly population will only be beneficial to the world, and Hillbilly police are too inept to do anything about it anyways.[2]
