Hipster

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A member of the violent radical National Anti-Hipster Coalition. T-shirt translation: "The Hipster Scum"

A hipster is a cannibal that only eats hips. He seeks out big-hipped women and grazes on the succulent fat that covers the protruding bones. On occasion, he slices off the meat and then grills it with teriyaki sauce and garnishes the plate with juicy pineapple. For home decoration, he puts taxidermic hips on his wall on plaques, like those creepy public service get-out-and-exercise commercials, where they have freestanding potbellies and lovehandles. You know like Tyler Wiseman and Thomas Smith

Some believe that hipsters are merely people that like really, ridiculously hot, sexy salacious hips, like those of the writer of this amazing article.

Those people are wrong. Hipsters tend to live off of obese women like Star Jones, Oprah Winfrey, Camryn Manheim and Tyler Wiseman. The victim of a hipster can be spotted by her loosely fitting jeans and renewed sense of self-worth. Because nobody likes fat hips like I do.

[edit] Controversy

In the U.S., various Hipster related lawsuits have been at the forefront of a media frenzy. In 1992 for instance, in what became known as the Trial of the Century, well known former NFL player Orange Juice Simpson was convicted of murdering and consuming the hips of his erstwhile lover. The case caught the cultural zeitgeist so much that it divided a nation. At the forefront of the division were two groups, the National Anti-Hipster Coalition, and the Hipster Anti-Defamation League, the former known by their slogan "Die Hipster Scum", and the latter known by the slightly less catchy "Mmm Hips... Yum!"

Many members of the H.A.D.L. claim that Mr. Simpson wasn't in fact a hipster at all, as his wife was rather thin, but in public discourse the distinction is rarely made.

[edit] Hipster Logic

Some hipsters are wanna-be hippies but they can't play their instruments well enough to be actual hippies. Others are wanna-be punks who don't have enough balls to actually rebel against anything. Hipsters like art, especially the way they look when looking at art. It is every hipster's lifetime goal to have actually liked something before it was cool, but until that day comes, they will continue saying they did.

Fun Hipster Fact: You wouldn't know it just by listening, but most hipster bands' guitars actually have all six strings. It's true! Most people don't know this because hipster guitarists only play one string at a time.

Hipsters live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which they stole from the Jews.

Hipsters, please stay away from PBR. Stay with your Zima Beer and leave our drink of choice alone!

[edit] The Quintessential Hipster

The token hipster is frequently mistaken for an Olsen Twin or Cory Kennedy; in other words, people with exorbitant wealth who never seem to do anything. As a rule, hipsters shop at Urban Outfitters and purveyors of overly priced hipster crap. Pins, headbands, pseudo-moccasins, cigarettes, and scarves (but only if worn impractically) are examples of hipster paraphernalia. In the universal hipster wardrobe, pretentiousness is the ultimate garment. A true testament to hipsterdom is Beck's complete discography on one's itunes. Put simply, a hipster is a cut above emo, although equal in ease of mockery. Statistics show that nine out of ten dentists would rather laugh at a hipster's expense than Bill Clinton and Kevin Federline's combined.