Historian
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Historians, often mistaken for alcoholics, are people who write records of things they haven't seen based on the testimony of those who weren't there. They perform the important function of creating a shared mythology, something to which people in a society can point and say: "See, someone else screwed up the same way we're screwing up now!" Without this shared finger-pointing, we'd probably have anarchy.
Famous historians include:
When in doubt, don't trust any historical accounts; they're all written by someone with an axe to grind. On second thought, that probably means you should at least pay lip service to trusting any historian that you are physically near, since they probably have a sharp axe with them.
History is written by those who make it. As those who make history are more likely to be conceited and ego-centric, you will naturally always get a coloured version of events.
There happens to be however the argument that historians need to provide the colored versions of events. Sometimes, historical periods are so comprehisive and cram-filled with objective data, that no one would be interested in buying/publishing your stupid history book unless it was fun to read or possessed a colorful point of view that people can agree with or relate with. In other words, historians are also taken for populist whores who appeal to what the public wants to see.
