History of England
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“The English have made a great contribution to the world. After all, they did invent the crumpet.”
Several things happened in English history:
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[edit] King Arthur AKA Guilliame The Bastard
King Arthur is thought by all Americans and Morons to be English, and most semi-intelligent people will tell you he is Welsh however even this is slightly off. Arthur was in fact a Frenchman who invaded the Island of Great Britain in 1966. His true name was Thierry Guilliame The Bastard, and he was son of Norman who was in turn the son of the popular TV personality King Rollo. He crowned himself King of Merrie England after beating Harold (son of Earl Albert Steptoenson) at a game of conkers.
He was known to drive a really fast car called the Excalibur which car was given to him by the Lady of Land-o-Lakes, and he liked nothing more than to run over peasants in the Grim North with it.
[edit] Robin Hood
Kevin Costner was an American living in England during the Middle Ages who was otherwise known as Robin Hood. He, like many in historical "epics", had a black sidekick and hung about with his bros, know as the Merry men (related to Merry the hobbit). One such Merry man was a Frier Tuck -- a guy who made french fries, except he could speak "Queen's English" (see German). Robin Hood would steal from the rich to give to the poor, and vice-versa as the poor progressively became richer. He was an olympic archer, always shooting apples off people's heads.
[edit] Scottish
Mel Gibson led a war of independence from England by the Scots. The English used their cunning and defeated the Scottish heathens by relying on their greed. The battle went much like this:
The English: Oi, Macdonalds, the Duncans said your mum was crap in bed! Macdonalds: Uch EYE wee laddie, ye fookan wha?!?! Duncans: Shet yer face poonce, al nook ye the fook aught. English: MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!
- Scotland implodes for the next 700 years*
Then a Scottish King became King of England and England became Scotland's bitch from then until now (the current Prime Minister is Scottish as was the last, even most of the opposition is).
[edit] Globalisation
The English are well known for supposedly building the greatest empire the world has ever seen (this is, of course a lie as it was in fact the mighty Indonesians when in 1975 they conquered East Timor). The success of the country has of course been put down to their brilliant tactics of picking a certain group of people (typically defenceless native tribes), and then slaughering half the population, force converting them to Christianity, introducing deadly diseaeses and then calling it civilisation. The effects of these outstanding victories are visible to this day with the English still being smug about there once strong empire, and the majority of their ex-territories being completely fucked up
[edit] Kings
England had several kings. These included:
- King John - was one of the Angevins: a popular medieval soap opera that barons liked so much they made the stars kings and queens. This was later made into a film with Michael Caine as King John called Get Carta
- Edward XXIII (nobody's actually counting...)
- Richard II
- Keenan the great III
- Henry IV, part 1
- King Kong (briefly)
- Henry IV, part 2
- Henry V
- Henry VI, part 1
- Bert
- Henry VI, part 2
- Henry VI, part 3
- The Godfather, part 2
- Richard III
- Henry the Eighth - by far the fattest, longest-bearded, most-wived, and most important of all English kings. The English religion, the Church of England (or Anglican Church), is based upon him getting -- and killing -- as many hot babes as he could. (hot babes being prohibited by the Catholic religion, the need for a new church was obvious) Upon Henry's death, the royal laboratory decided the project had failed, and there would be no Henry the ninth.
Macbeth has not been included, as he was Scottish scum and not a king of England.
[edit] Queens
England also had some queens, such as:
- Bloody Mary, who invented the drink she was named after.
- Elizabeth, who painted her face with white house paint and died because of the lead poisoning in the paint.
- Victoria. Known for being uptight and religious in public, and having wild orgies in private. Anyone who refused to conform to the society was sent to Australia, although they could appeal to the Queen's clemency, and ask to be just hanged in public instead. Everyone during Victorian England was just as stuck up as the Queen, which is why Jack the stripper killed so many people, and why Sherlock Holmes had many crimes to solve.
- Queen Elizabeth 2: the sequel. A sequel to the original Queen Elizabeth, like many sequels the film was never as popular with critics and movie-goers as the original. Another sequel awaiting release (The son of Queen Elizabeth 2) is expected to be even more of a flop.
- Dale Winton, who's reign was spent amongst the common folk, mainly in fake supermarkets.
- Freddie Mercury, who freed the English from the Welsh in 17 B.C..
- Elton John. Don't ask, don't tell!
- Queen Handy, No one knows who dis is. BUT I DO.
Towards the end of the 1800's the English started to find battle far more difficult, not only because they ruled a Fifth of the entire planet, but the world turned upside down. The convicts established a democracy far south, the natives started to carry guns, the crazy Germans (second cousins to the english) were throwing their weight around and most bizarre of all: The French became ALLIES!?!?!?!
Promptly, this screwed England up for the next 100 years or so.
[edit] The War
The War is an oft mentioned film series starring John Bull, Uncle Samish and Errol Flynn, comprising of three films, World War 1, World War 2: Fritz's Revenge and the strangely titled Fritz's Revenge 2: World War. The films (bar the third) where a success, and featured many mustachioed pilots who would yell such things as "tally-ho, old chaps", "Right you are", and "Blimey". The plot involved the terrorist organisation of Germans, known as the N.A.N.Z.I.S ('Nanzis' pronounced Nan-sees) and the secret agent James Blunt's attempts to foil them.
A spin-off starring the Argie Bargies was made but didn't have the cult appeal of The War series and met with limited success.
[edit] Tabloids
England is now ruled by the tabloid press. Although technically England still has a Queen, she is now a constitutional monarch, which means she keeps her trap shut and no-one gets hurt, see? is bound to do what the press says, and appears regularly on Page 3.
[edit] Accents
The English are well known for their accents, which are completely fake. When you're not listening, they go back to talking just like normal people. As Hollywood quite correctly shows, everyone in England is a "Cockney" (see wanker for more details), including any Scots or Welsh living within English borders.
[edit] Tea
England is well known for its love of tea. For hundreds of years, at five o'clock (AM, PM, or other) each day the English drop whatever they may be doing for some "tea". It should be noted that tea can also mean a meal in general, which can be confusing if you have tea with your tea.
[edit] Summer
In 2007, summer was cancelled in England. The government will meet next year to discuss whether this season should be abolished altogether and replaced with permanent rain, wind and hailstones.
