Hitlerburger
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“Mein Burger ist ein Kugelschreiber!”
~ Adolf Hitler on HitlerBurger
“It's Holocaustastic!”
~ Adolf Hitler on The fresh meat
HitlerBurgerBurgerHitler (also known as HitlerBurger or McFührer in some circles) is/was/forever shall be a failed attempt by Nazi Germany to enter the fast food market.
In an attempt to bolster the floundering German economy, still reeling from the Cola Wars of the 1830s, Adolf Hitler traveled to the recently annexed Burgonia to consult with the House of Burger concerning marketing delicacies of the Reich upon the masses, thus garnering tons of phat loot to power the war machine Hitler was building in his treehouse. Initially, the Burgers were reluctant, but after Hitler brought in Luca Brasi, they quickly agreed to the concept.
The first HitlerBurger was opened on Smarch 37th, 1897 in a small Munich house that used to be a brothel for aged Swiss goats. Hitler himself oversaw the operation and instituted such innovations as the neat and clean uniform (he went with brown shirts to better hide the grease stains), the assembly line method of food preparation, and little paper stars of David and pink triangles to identify trainees and managers.
Locals were initially curious, but once they tried the fare, they quickly became addicted to the greasy food, combined with the inflammatory rhetoric printed on the wrappers of the burgers. In fact, the residents of Munich quickly referred to themselves as "Munchener" because they were almost constantly eating HitlerBurger products.
By 1905, HitlerBurger had over 300 locations in Bavaria, and their slogan at the time was "If you don't join the party, we'll come and get you!"
1909 saw the first drive-thru at a HitlerBurger, but the issues of horse droppings quickly closed it down.
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[edit] World War I
The onset of World War I put a significant crimp in HitlerBurger's profits, especially since Hitler volunteered to fight for the Turks. Upon his return, Hitler was insistent on a new product made out of ground-up Armenians which he called the Genozidsandwich, or Genocide Burger, which he swore was "Genocidelicious" but after being sedated and fed an IV of Oktoberfest beer he came to his senses, realizing that Germans would never agree to eating filthy Armenians unless faced with starvation.
This is when he turned his attention to the Jews as both the enemy of Aryan folk and a potential food source.
[edit] Conflict with Burgonia
After the release of Mein Kampf, Hitler's incredibly boring tirade about everything that annoyed him, from hangnails to fruit flies to the Jews and Communists, and how grinding your enemies into delicious hamburgers would solve the world's ills, the Burgonia Royal Family attempted to distance themselves from Hitler, going to far as to hire Mr. T as protection against the increasingly deranged Hitler. In what is still considered a strikingly brilliant maneuver, Hitler had offered to fly Mr. T to bavaria to negotiate, knowing his mortal fear of air travel. Mr. T quickly fled for Mars to wait out the regime.
[edit] World War II
The onset of World War II proved to be the most profitable time in HitlerBurger history, as the now total control of the German state resulted in an almost endless supply of Jewish and commie meat to the HitlerBurgerGrindHaus at no cost to them. By 1944, the war was turning and meat sources quickly became scarce. Hitler resorted to grinding up shoes, clothes, insects, and dirt into the mix, which resulted in a collapse of the chain's following and subsequent destruction of the Nazi regime.
[edit] Postwar Collapse and Rebirth
After the defeat of 1945, it seemed certain that the HitlerBurger chain would go the same route as Hitler's other failed ideas, like the Naziland Amusement Park, Himmlerbuck's Coffee and Hermann Göring's Bar-B-Q Pit, which featured the marginally successful "Side of von Ribbentrops". And for several aeons it seemed to be the case, until Yasser Arafat ululated in a Munich strip joint that he wanted to resurrect the now-defunct company and open a branch in Palestine.
After 30 minutes of painstaking research, he managed to talk Dick Clark into co-signing the loan to open up shop, where he gave the traditional German fare of dead Jews and Soviets a Middle-Eastern touch by serving his enemies ground into hummus, fried in falafels and garnishing dishes with local fruits and camel dung. HitlerBurger ads in the region also feature Hizburglah, a group of fanatical believers in HitlerBurger who often blow themselves up over how delicious the dead Jews are.
