Hobo
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“Change?”
~ Hobo
“I found a Hobo in my room”
~ Princess Leia on Hyakugojyuuichi
Homeless Bozos commonly known as hobos are residents of New York City, and Los Angeles London etc... I mean, you can't have a big city without hobos. Hobos are tramps to be frank. They are awesome!. They stink, they drink, and unfortunately, they think!(that) you want to give them money, and they scream like Siouxsie and the Banshees when you're kicking them saying "Get a job you homeless wankah!" (in, hopefully, your best British accent). But with luck, propriety and an MBE you can probably make sure they're not entitled to anything of any earthly worth. Many so-called 'Hobos' have been lambasted by scientists for taking part in Gov't sponsored experiments that have led the theo-scientistic community to reinforce the idea that toilets are not just for the old in-out-in-out love, let's just say that you don't need a vasectomy, and the hobos, as hungry as they may be, perhaps might one day reach Nirvana. It's like Confucius said "Give a Hobo a testicle, he eats for a day. Teach him how to Procreate, he shreds for a lifetime."
These "Hobos" are armed with a mind-enhancing arsenal of quarters, guitars, Wild Irish Rose bottles, and teeth (which they are consistently pawning). They are beaten, punched, ignored, kicked, slapped, farted on, forgotten, robbed, raped (by very desperate people), stabbed, vandalized, shot (at), and hit by rocks from aggro right wing militias (KKK). Some experts suggest that this is normal behaviour for Canadians. The Salvation Army does less for Hobbits, unless you count all the Africa stuff, which kinda makes the above look like a tea party.
Women hobos are called 'Gals'. If you were to give hobos no more than change, but enough food, they will grow into family. If your grandmother's basement and some old CIA tombs are not sufficient for your new lifestyle but still have some "tweakable" moments, you may overcome. If you are still a hobo, you will be able to see the ultimate truth just prior to the phone taps, after which, according to Stephen Hawkins, Malamut, and Oscar Wildebeest, the Accordion will come, followed by what I saw on Mulberry Street, and turn everybody into 3rd Degree zombies.
[edit] Diet
Hoboes are scavengers. They will basically eat anyone with a brain. Some have avoided this precarious position by acting like automatonic droids, accepting anything they're fed. Hobos have been known to go cannibal at the slightest provocation after being denied any inalienable rights. Hobos will also eat out of garbage cans containing your mum!s' cooking, dumpsters, sewage tanks, cow pats, kitty litter boxes, shoes, landfills, and road-kills. Their diet consists mainly of the food groups: Salt, gravel, dead birds, cholera, mold, and rotten vegetables. They will also drink any quasi-effect producing liquid i.e. lemon extract, urine, other people's urine, and even the waters of Lake Michoacan, or, animal urine.Recently a breakthrough shows a hobo eat a humans turd thats come out of his friend and also, eating some fox crap.
Hobos also have ability to feed on change. Alas, though it is still unknown how they're able to perform this metamorphoses of coins into a nutritious food source, many have already made the switch to more renewable food sources knowing that 'change' is inevitable. Many leading manufacturer-financed research studies have proven that this may be attributed to the results of ionsation around the hobo as the total biomass of him/her (unusualy her) and their dog generates its own gravitational fields and EMS phenomena. The most famous documentation of a hobo converting coins into nutritional suppliments is of a man that once spent three decades in Coinstar. He was found out when another of the users was not given a cash tolkien but instead a first edition map of Middle-Earth that was previously used as toilet paper . Which sent the cashier into a nervous breakdown as she figured that the used toilet paper had stains on it that resembled jesus (Aragorn).
[edit] Hobo Social Structure
Hobos have recently considered a coup d'état directed mainly at small media-fed children as their sweet gullibility is considered a savvy political move to vie for the righteous vote. Their methods of stalking a Barney infected child were once and only once documented, but I taped over it, so you'll never know. K
The manner in which the hobo society is structured is incredibly delicate, taking years of lazy indifferance to move from one social zone to another. It has been the subject of rigorous study by hobosociologists and amateur hobo enthusiasts across the globe. After extensive research, however, we have found a similar hierarchy reoccurring in all. It consists of a caste society not unlike the one that is seen in imperial Russia. The caste system is subdivided into Hancho Hobos, the ruling class of hobo society; Warrior Hobos, the belligerent members; Merchant Hobos, often pejoratively referred to as "trash collectors"; Artisan Hobos, also known as "starving artists" but really we all know they're just hobo; and the "untouchables", which are basically the most hoboticulous of hobos, this system was the inspiration for the internet game "Hobo wars".
[edit] Sexuality (Straight, Gay, Lesbian ,Both Or other and more?)
Main Article: Hoboeroticism
Scientists estimate that, unlike humans which only have two, there are over 136,000 different hobo genders. So far, only four have been identified and confirmed by the hobosexuality studies community. These are male, female, trans-hobo, and bi-hobo, in the Latin.
Despite certain controversy over the matter, hobos are bisexual (They take what they can get, if you catch my drift). Though not many people know this hobos are constantly raped. Another thing you may not know is that they are necrophiliacs. They also like Alexander Hamilton, *I once saw hobo masturbating to a nickel. Some advice, if you ever walk by an alley and a hobo asks for you to help him up, don't. They just might rape you. Trust me, my aunt was a Hobo in New York City, and she walked by a bar in the East Village, attempted to spare change some yuppies and ended up attempting to rape many key mafioso known to be controlling deserted parts of Nev., but ended up getting made herself. Nine months later I had a cousin, so I guess my aunt getting boned wasn't the worst thing that ever happened.
However whenever hoboes have sex together it is always gay as it is, by definition, "bum sex" or light refreshments for mitchell and webb look watchers..
However hobos always insist that they are not gay, bi, or even straight merely HOBO-sexual. New surveys have proven this to be true although they have a fetish for your mother
[edit] The UN-History Of Hobos
A prehistoric man who lacked a suitable cave for shelter and who was also in desperate need of a Neanderthal wife was called a Hobo Erectus.
Hobos have been around as longer than there has been homes (although the population was made up entirely of hobos before there was homes so they weren't such rejects back then), no matter which village you would travel to there would be some lazy, drunken, bum who wouldn't build their own home because they would be lazy, drunk, and a bums. The main point of this is...hobos are legends, make sure you always give money to the ones that do stuff like play the sax or whatever.
[edit] The British Hobo Problem
For as long as historical records have been kept, Britain has had a homelessness problem. As far back as the 7th century, the English king Hlothaere passed laws to punish vagrants. William the Conqueror forbade anyone to leave the land where he worked. Edward the First ordered weekly searches to round up vagrants. So as you can see the land of People with bad teeth and thoose who WEE in their Nickers had and still does have a "Hobo Problem", but I think I know the answer. People protest against science using animal subjects, so instead we should use the hobos. I mean, honestly. They're not contributing to society so why not to science. Note: The twat that referred to Britain as a land with bad teeth is obviously castrated and has been recently been sterilised, give him no mercy. Note: The twat that used been twice in one sentence is probably a beautiful hobo princess.
[edit] Singing Hobo or Stabbing Hobo?
A common tradition among the Great American Hobos is the cargo-box riding, singing hobo. When given a quarter or a sponge-bath (you scrubbing him of course), he'll pull out a banjo and play a folk song, singing tall tales from secret hobo lore. Beware though, some of these wretches have been known to kill their hosts in their sleep for food. There is a famous Hobo living in leicester, Hobo Joe, hes a legend, the best hobo ever to sleep the streets in his cardboard box, which was kindly donated by ya mum! :) hobo joe however has msn which means he has a super hobo laptop and his addy is joseph_smith1992@hotmail.com he also goes to lutterworth college and hangs around behind the ict block. There is a world famous singing hobo on the streets of Milton Keynes, Jack Crack the Smackaman aka(nick brown) his gang is called the MennyGrams, they are full of young entertaining hobos who will do anything for a sandwich or a hot cup of piss if your ever in town you can find them at Milton Keynes train station with their girlfriends who are actually there mums.
[edit] Bum Alley Rapist
In the late 1900's 5 cases of bum rapery accured the only known suspects are Kyle Harris(the unkonwn famous movie star) and william Shatner(the "I wish he was unknown" famous movie star. fethermore the bum alley rapist is said to live in the middle of the woods and only coes to town to rape bums in the anus.
"I have never been in an alley" Kyle Harris on the bum alley rapeist
[edit] The great hobo revolt of 1924
In the year of 1921 a law was passed in the United States declaring all hobos to be public property. It was an attempt to give them a purpose by exploiting them to the public. They were put on public display to sing, dance and eventually put into tournaments where each hobo would be given both a knife (primary weapon) and a fork (a good secondary or left hand jab weapon) and would fight each other over their choice of a bottle of Lemon Extract or a can of beans. This worked well for the next 3 years as the hobos were happy with the mixture of beans, citrus and affection.
But on august 26th 1924 a man going by the name of George Wilkonson was traveling through the city of Washington D.C. when he offered a hobo a job, which startled the hobo (it is a well known fact that hobos are a lazy people and never work at real 9-to-5 type jobs.) Said hobo went off and told all his friends in the area and quickly by means of the hobo code word spread the news that people were actually wanting them to work. The hobo community became furious and unionized to change the balance of distress and emotional pain by providing handfulls of quarters to the disaffected. At the time, quarters were worth a little more and the government refused to pay, thus leading to the great hobo revolt.
The hobo revolt started in Washington D.C. on the lawn of the White House and ended 6 blocks away at a nearby liquor store. The hobos asked for change and smokes, and generally annoyed everyone in protest of their treatment by the job offeror. In an effort to stave off the revolt, authorities placed signs up asking folks to "Please do not help the homeless" (and afterwards replaced with signs bearing "Please do not feed the homeless." After 6 days the hobos were able to pool their money to buy 60 liters of vodka. The hobos took off to the liquor store where they commenced to drink and drink and drink. Because hobos are accustomed only to Lemon Extract and occasionally Listerine, the vodka was too strong for them. The rebel hobos quickly gave up the revolt in favor of laying in the road in pools of vomit and urine, sleeping off their anger except for the occasional yell at a passerby or vehicle. Some of these hobos were reported to be seen with hangovers as long as 3 weeks later, and for the most part the great hobo revolt of '24 was ignored.
[edit] What hoboes are good for...
Surprisingly quite a lot. There are many uses for hobo's which include...
Someone to beat the living shit out of (whoever wrote that is cruel and pure evil),
Human shields(trust me they have nothing to live for anyway)(how harsh)
Good 3-card monty practice,
They're great for yelling "GET A JOB YOU HOBO!" or any other projections you can think of within 30 secs.,
Also a well-known Tsarist attraction (for the reasons above) and great to buy liqour for minors.
[edit] Trivia
• "Tristram Shandy" is the hobos' favorite novel, but they generally hate the movie.
• Everytime you catch a red light while driving, it is because of the hobos.
• If you catch a hobo he has to grant you three wishes.
• Any sex with hobos is great.
• Hobo bashing a great way to see who has the hardest punch out of you and your friends(cruel).
[edit] Origin of the Word Hobos
Experts believe the word Hobos actually just stands for
- Happy
- Or
- Better
- Off
- Stranded
Although Hobos have no legal status in the NWO, fags and terrorists have declared war on this otherwise harmless species.
[edit] See Also
- The Sand Hermit
- Hoboeroticism
- Hobo-gravity
- Hobo Juggling
- Jar Jar Binks
- Homeless
- HowTo: Be a Tramp
- Homeless Nerds
- Salvation Army
- Hooker
- Witch hats
- God
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