Hogwarts

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“ Harry Potter goes to hogwarts.... TO LEARN TO BE A TECHNICIAN . ”

~ Albus Mcafeeore, on Hogwarts school of it excellence on Hogwarts

“ A spectre is haunting Hogwarts, the ghost of Nearly Headless Nick! ”

~ Karl Marx, the grand grandson of Merlin on Hogwarts

‎Often regarded as a university for oxbridge rejects, Hogwarts "School of Witchcrap and Lizardry" is the United Kingdom's premier school for students of magic. Located somewhere in southern Scotland, Hogwarts is rumoured to be near Livingston. Its name is derived from the Old Scottish hgg wyrts, meaning "child abuse".

Hogwarts is an immense old castle that looks to muggles like a moldy old ruin, but has in fact been open for over a thousand years. (Much like St. Andrews) It is also immensely underfunded. The NSPCC won't even touch it anymore and Linda Barker and frequently been asked to visit to clean the place up. These requests have been denied time and time again. This upsets Snape, who wants to get to know Linda better.

After someone read a science book by Benjamin Franklin, the founders engaged in a fancy name change and called it the Bloustein School of Planning and Public Policy and moved to America, where all the wizards turned their broomsticks into maps and set a spell that caused houses and shops to suddenly erupt near train stations. Dumbledore called this "Smart Growth", as opposed to "Cancer", which is a bunch of party dudes at whatever school is closest to you. Why this was done is not known, but Dumbledore was allegedly pissed off over Harry Potter's wrecking a car at Hogwarts. Thus, they didn't want anyone to use cars or broomsticks near cities, so they set about casting spells causing buildings to appear everywhere, which apparently seems to make sense to wizards and witches at Hogwarts Bloustein (at least when they aren't dressing up as pirates for silly dances and going on broomstick excursions to Jersey City). However, there have been lawsuits about mixed-use developments suddenly blooming up under people's feet (thus throwing them into the air) and devouring unsuspecting pedestrians.

Or so the popular books by J.K. Rowling would have us believe.

[edit] Academic Performance

Harry: "What happened to Ron?" Hermione: "He didn't make it."

Hogwarts, despite being one of the country's oldest public schools, has a poor academic record. In 2005 OFSTED inspectors described the school as "[...] a crumbling ruin full of knuckledragging, semi-literate cretins. Honestly, we've seen sink estates with more intellectual vigour than this lot" (Reuters). The school's emphasis on Potions, Quidditch and Necromancy means that pupils often leave the school barely able to hold a pencil correctly. Its qualifications are written on cheese meaning it can't even make the league table.

[edit] Hogwarts "Disease of Kings"

The reality of Hogwarts is considerably grimmer.

It is a pestilence, a plague, a disfiguring disease that is so horrible it is kept secret. The royal families of Europe, Japan, Spain, and Saudi Arabia are all carriers. There is rumour that Elvis Presley, King of Rock and Roll also suffered from the disease.

[edit] Agent of Infection

AIDS outbreaks are as common as they are slightly toasted. The main cause of these outbreaks is the AIDS infected headmaster of Hogwarts demanding a group orgy with all female teachers and students above the age of 18. Over time, these females contract and spread the virus to all male/minor students.

[edit] Hogwarts in History

• In 1127 King Cuthlbrodmickle the Broad developed a Hogwart on his head so large that upon suddenly dismounting from his horse the extra weight broke his neck.

• King Juan Carnoza de Flambé de Malaga of Spain was attempting to swim the Tagus when his massive Hogwarts dragged him underwater. (He was trying to escape the Moors, who wished to circumcise him.)

• While conquering Egypt, Napoleon barely fought off a gangrenous infection of his Hogwarts. General Leclerc was so sickened by the smell of Napolean's putrifying wart tissue that he attacked Ætheopia just to get away from his commander.

• King Louis XVI, while trying to escape France in disguise during the Revolution, had his escape foiled by an angry mob who recognized him by the giant wart on his forehead.

[edit] Trivia

Reliable sources within the Hogwarts' gay society also indicate that Ron may be a total fruit.

• J.K. Rowling has miss-interperated the "Room of Requirement". It was actually a room where the lonely teachers of Hogwarts school for some "relief" (a room that contatains whatever fetish the user requires)

[edit] Other

It should be noted that the Wizard's Staff has got a knob on the end of it, but that that is nothing compared to what is on the end of the Witch's broomstick. It should also be noted that you can replace the word "wand" for the word "wang", to prove that both harry potter and ronald weasly are of the homosexual origin. and that all witches are filthy whores.

[edit] See also

• Inquisitorial Squad