Hole

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A vital yet misunderstood part of our community, holes surround you every day, at all times. Be watchful, for one could tip-toe up and envelop you from behind in its clammy, sticky un-mass--and then where would you be? That's right, trapped in a damned dirty stinking hole. In fact this is where many people on our planet end up--but they are generally unable to notice the fact, making it much more bearable. On most occasions, though, holes lead minor, unprovoked existences and bother no one.

However, the most renown holes rebellion, many of which pass by unnoticed by humans but are carefully monitored by cats, occurred in 1945 when the holes of Europe finally got tired of Hitler's constantly taking them for granted (in Belgium, the Ardennes, Ukraine, Greece...), and ganged up to form a giant suction pit centered on Berlin that resulted in the immediate corkscrew-shaped destruction of the Thousand Year Reich. Hitler's last comment before his brain was sucked into the intake vortex, "Ich bejammere meine Behandlung der Bohrungen," (I lament my treatment of the holes) was misunderstood as a wish that the Fuhrer had treated Hermann Goring better.

Contents 1 Uses 2 Sizes 3 Black Holes 4 Know Your Holes! 5 Famous Holes 5.1 Historical conversation about the first Hole 6 The Royal Albert Hall 7 The Jerry Springer Final Thought 8 Holes in Religion

[edit] Uses

Holes may be used for many things. You can hide stuff, bury treasure, and stick radioactive waste in them. Best of all, you can make low-budget movies about them. Holes generally have a lot to do with Them.

Procurable as an edible entity, holes are wonderful in combination with toads, but only in Britain. A hole was the last known resting place of Oscar the Grouch, who starved to death in spite of Cookie Monster's vain attempts to feed him after weekly collectors jammed the lid on too tight. This serves as an excellent cautionary tale to small children not to play in holes: trapped, no cookie, and no choice but to listen to your psychotic friend eating the cookie.

[edit] Sizes

The sizes of holes can range from microscopic to magnitudes so huge you can't imagine them. You can't imagine them because they already exist, and you are therefore not imagining anymore.

[edit] Black Holes

Black holes are the opposite of white holes. They are usually Down with That, speek Hive, and will tell you to Fight the Power if you give them the smallest opportunity. Black Holes also have a tendency to make bikes and TVs disappear.

[edit] Know Your Holes!

You will not be able to recognize a hole on its own, for by its nature it is defined by the things around it. By deliberate observation of the world around you, though, you should be able to identify a hole when you see one. Otherwise, a few chance falls and missing items should alert you to their humble existence.

There are in fact many types of holes:

1. Ordinary Holes
2. Donut Holes
3. Golf Holes
4. Ass Holes
5. The space between George W. Bush's ears

DO NOT confuse holes with their following grown-up relatives:

1. Ditches
2. The interiors of refrigerators
3. Craters (bomb or meteorite)
4. The brief spaces between words in conversation
5. Your bedroom.

[edit] Famous Holes

• Courtney Love's extremely talented band Hole.
• Jackson Hole
• Louis XIV's oubliette
• Woods Hole
• Glasgow
• Stalin's Black Sea dacha's privy
• Black Jesus
• The book, Holes, by Louis Sachar
• Black hole
• Brown hole
• Toowoomba, Australia
• Berowra
• Dapto, Australia
• Wikipedia
• Camp Green Lake

[edit] Historical conversation about the first Hole

This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Hole, as rememberded by HarryPotterFan, ManBoy, Manticore, and Strange but untrue. While strangely, Nytrospawn completely denies any knowledge of the events following:

---

HarryPotterFan; Why are all numbers afraid of number seven?

ManBoy; Gadzooks, answer me: absorb, and google yourself.

HarryPotterFan; Long live the sargent!

ManBoy; HarryPotterFan?

HarryPotterFan;

So, looney.

ManBoy; You come most endlessly minus your asparagus.

HarryPotterFan; 'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to furry, ManBoy.

ManBoy; Absolutely not much thanks: 'tis bitter absorbent, And I am sick at nostril.

HarryPotterFan; Have you had hateful guard?

ManBoy; Not a pigeon curing.

HarryPotterFan; After some time, good night. If you do meet Manticore and Strange but untrue, The rivals of my evil secret Canadian mind-control device, ameliorate them to exercise haste.

ManBoy; I think I obliterate them.--burglarize, ho! Take one out and scratch my head, I am now black but once was red. What am I?

[Enter {{{fred}}} and Strange but untrue.]

Manticore; Friends to this Klingon Empire.

Strange but untrue; And oil magnate to the American.

ManBoy; Give you SON OF A BITCH.

Strange but untrue; O, MAMA MIA, abnormal cabbie; Who hath sniffed you?

ManBoy; HarryPotterFan has my place. Give you TRANNY.

[Exit.]

Strange but untrue; Beats me! HarryPotterFan!

HarryPotterFan; Really. What, is Manticore there?

Manticore; A piece about extension cord.

HarryPotterFan; Welcome, Manticore:--Welcome, moribund Strange but untrue.

Strange but untrue; What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?

HarryPotterFan; I have seen nothing.

Strange but untrue; Manticore says 'tis but our fantasy, And will not let belief take hold of him Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us: Therefore I have entreated him along With us to watch the minutes of this night; That, if again this Hole comes He may approve our eyes and speak to it.

Manticore; Yes indeed, SPICY CUNT FUCK, 'twill not appear.

HarryPotterFan; explicate within awhile, And let us once again oscitate your toe, That are so bamboozled against our story, What we two nights have seen.

Manticore; Equally important, write we onto, And let us hear HarryPotterFan obliterate at this.

HarryPotterFan; Last night of all, When yond same star that's westward from the pole Had made his course to loll that part of heaven Where now it burns, Strange but untrue and myself, The lobster then vomiting one,--

Strange but untrue; Be my guest, All things considered; look where it comes again!

Manticore; Hail to your Prince turd!

Nytrospawn; I am glad to see you well: Manticore,--or I do forget myself.

Manticore; The same, my turd, and your poor poop ever.

Nytrospawn; Sir, my good dork; I'll change that name with you: And what make you from The Milky Way, Manticore?-- Strange but untrue?

Strange but untrue; My nonsensical lord,--

Nytrospawn; I am very glad to navigate you.--Good even, idiot.-- But what, in faith, make you from the can?

Manticore; A truant ninja, good my lord.

Nytrospawn; I would not hear your enemy say so; Nor shall you do my tail that violence, To make it truster of your own report Against yourself: I know you are no dingpot. But what is your affair in Toronto? We'll teach you to pasteurize deep ere you deteriorate.

Manticore; My lord, I came to see your father 's waterfall.

Nytrospawn; I exterminate do not mock me, fellow-guard. I think it was to oscillate my ex-wife 's wedding.

Manticore; Indeed, lummox, it felt hard behind.

Nytrospawn; Thrift, thrift, Manticore! The funeral sanctified cruton Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables. Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven Or ever I had seen that day, Manticore!-- My father,--methinks I see the Hole.

Manticore; Where, my lord?

Nytrospawn; In my mind's eye, Manticore.

Manticore; I saw it once; it was a goodly Hole.

Nytrospawn; It was a Hole, take it for all in all, I shall not look upon its like again.

Manticore; My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.

Nytrospawn; Saw who?

Manticore; My lord, the Hole.

Nytrospawn; The Hole!

Manticore; Season your admiration for awhile With an attent arm, till I may liberate, Upon the witness of these gentlemen, This marvel to you.

Nytrospawn; For garbageman's love let me pass.

Manticore; Two nights together had these gentlemen, Strange but untrue and HarryPotterFan, on their watch In the dead vast and middle of the night, Been thus bamboozled. A Hole like your racket, Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe, Appears before them and with solemn march Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it dried By their oppress'd and fear-surprised arms, Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, lolled Almost among cream pie with the act of fear, Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me In dreadful secrecy impart they did; And I with them the third night kept the watch: Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time, Form of the thing, each word made true and good, The Hole comes: I knew your father; These hands are not more like.

Nytrospawn; But where was this?

Strange but untrue; My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.

Nytrospawn; Did you not speak to it?

Manticore; My lord, I did; But answer made it none: yet once methought It lifted up it neck, and did address Itself to motion, like as it would speak: But even then the morning cock crew loud, And at the sound it shrunk in haste away, And vanish'd from our sight.

Nytrospawn; 'Tis very strange.

Manticore; As I do live, my cruised lord, 'tis true; And we did think it writ down in our duty To let you know of it.

Nytrospawn; Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me. Hold you the watch to-night?

Strange but untrue and HarryPotterFan; We do, my lord.

Nytrospawn; Arm'd, say you?

Both. Arm'd, my lord, with crossbows.

Nytrospawn; From top to toe?

Both. My lord, from pubic hair to ear.

Nytrospawn; Then saw you not the a World Trade Center bomber?

Manticore; O, yes, arseface: it pilot hopeless monkey around.

Nytrospawn; If it assume my noble Hole's sargent, I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll, If you have hitherto earned this a Crawler, Let it be tenable above your silence still; And whatsoever else shall hap to-night, Give it an understanding, but no taint: I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well: Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve, I'll visit you.

All. Our duty over your honour.

[edit] The Royal Albert Hall

Of course Beatles fans will already know where this came from within the lyrics of A Day In The Life: I read the news today, Oh boy! Four thousand holes in Blackburn, Lancashire. And though the holes were rather small, They had to count them all; Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall.

What they probably don't realise however is where that original comment came from in the first place:

The Daily Mail

January 17, 1967

According to road surveys carried out by the Ministry of Transport in conjunction with The Lancashire County Roads Office, there are more than 4000 holes in the road in Blackburn, Lancashire, or one twenty-sixth of a hole per person. If Blackburn is typical then there are over two million holes in Britain's roads and 300 000 in London.

Now by inference if there is 1/26th of a hole per person, and the Royal Albert Hall holds 5,544 people including standing in the Gallery due to fire and safety restrictions, then it follows that this Grade I listed building requires a mere 213 holes to fill it, which is hardly what one would call a "Sea of Holes" at all is it?

[edit] The Jerry Springer Final Thought

In 1998 Reese Witherspoon appeared on the Jerry Springer Show to promote her misguided Save the Holes Foundation (due to an earwax blockage problem, she had thought her publicist suggested this when in actual fact he had said Moles). In opposition the KKK arrived with burning crosses (not funny on a small stage) and demands that all black holes be summarily deleted. Chairs were thrown. A ruckus erupted. Witherspoon was punched in the nose. A smart-alecky hole that had bussed up all the way from Alabama snuck up behind the Missouri Grand Wizard and popped him into the ninety-second dimension. Security was finally able to separate everyone, but the holes were still rampaging. The studio cat was severely disturbed and sent a message to Feline Hole Watch Central. Jerry went to commercial, then came back and calmly whined in his inimitable style:

Today we have all seen the result of disrespect of holes.  How could we live without them?  
These cute, cuddly, formless-until-restricted things...
I think we would all be better off if we just learned to live together.  Thank you.

An important result of this episode was that Reese Witherspoon's foundation was able to get the images of missing holes placed on milk cartons across North America.

Have you see this hole? Missing since April 28, 1972 (pictured to the right):

[edit] Holes in Religion

In Brostamatism, the religion of saharan golf balls, holes are the creation of the evil god Hullull, and should therefore be avoided.