Hollyoaks
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Hollyoaks is a surprisingly addictive bullshit British soap opera that can't quite make it onto prime time television. That is of course unless you count E4, but nobody does. Hollyoaks is set in the fictional town of Chester, Planet Earth, and consists of storylines such as forbidden relationships, megalomaniacs and living in a village with only 3 cars. All with crap mood scenes at the beginning of each episode with pseudo-indy music
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[edit] Notable past storylines
[edit] The rapist who ruined everyone's shit
After turning into a mad man after being pressured into drugging women and having his way with them, "Stone Cold" Sam Owen escaped was sent to prison. Eventually. It should be noted that this was not certain for a very long time, because Sam was a Good Rapist, as opposed to his mate Andy, who was a Evil Rapist. We know that Sam was a Good Rapist because he occasionally felt conflicted, and only raped strangers, not his friends. This passes for morality in Hollyoaks.
After he went to prison and thereby became all though, which was made apparent by the growth of stubble, he kind of escaped, and then kidnapped his fat sister, and escaped some more. In order to prove his love to the twin sister of the girl he didn't rape, he blew up the local pub. This resulted in the deaths of the non-rape twin and the twin he loved, a random guy and a random girl. Sam died too, which leaves two possible conclusions. Either he wanted to die, in which case Sam wins, or the stupid bastard wanted to just kill everyone and survive but died anyway, in which case he still wins because nobody else in the village has the balls to blow up a pub.
[edit] "Shit, that's a dead body"
Bombhead's Mum died, and he was too busy watching Deal Or No Deal to do anything about it. One day, for some reason, his friend Lee was about to fornicate with a female, when they noticed the body. Bombhead was subsequently hanged. But not before turning gay.
[edit] Stop, Or My Mom Will Die
Jake was pissed off at Becca, so he got drunk and went for a drive in his van. The Valentines' Mum crossed the road and was introduced to Hollyoaks Top Gear style. Ever since, Calvin Valentine has dressed up in black cloathing and mime make up, roaming the streets at night trying to find his Mum's killers. Someone should probably tell him it was Jake...
[edit] Ali
Justin's half brother, who wasn't even black, got bullied by a group of emo faggots with stupid fucking hairstyles. Many epic battles took place as a result, climaxing in Ali stabbing the bully in the neck with his sword. Ali instantly ran off to tell his mates, but was hit by Jake who was on his way to kill Momma Valentine. Both Ali and the bully, Macki, died in hospital, which means they both lose, and Sam Owen wins because he's still the only with the balls to set fire to the pub.
[edit] I like Becca, I would like to stick my wet big dick in her
Justin decided that even though his half brother died in battle, he would pursue his love interest, Becca Dean, who was originally Becca Hayton, but she married Jake "The Snake" Dean who went on to kill everybody in his van. I tell ya, these villagers get around. Anyway, Justin fancied Becca, but Becca was like "Hell no foo', I'm yo teacher, you my pupil, ya dig?". Unfortunately though, Becca got horny and banged Justin in his own home. A relationship followed, during which Justin won the 'Luckiest Boy in Chester' award and was congratulated by every male in the village apart from Jake who did some shit acting and cried a lot. After a tantrum where he wouldn't eat his egg soldiers, Becca dumped the now erstwhile Luckiest Boy in Chester champion. Justin, never one to take things lying down (he preferred sex against the wall due to his mis-shaped penis), locked Becca in a prison cell and got one of his contacts to cut her head off. After her death all the men in the village still thought Justin was a winner for banging his hot teacher but acted all pissed off at him because the women were being all whiny about Becca snuffing it. After a year (which is enough to completely redevelop a charcter's staus of either 'Good' or 'Evil' beyond all recognition- see the previous entry regarding Sam Owen) it was revealed that Justin was the father of Becca's ill baby. The male staff of Chester Hospital immediately undertook the procedure of high-fiving Justin followed by intense patting on the back.
[edit] Million Dollar Baby 2: The Slut
Amy, who was drunk and celebrating her birthday, had sexual relations with a ginger monster in a park. This resulted in fertilzation and Amy had a baby. She then gave it to her Mum, because that's how these crazy soaps roll. This baby didn't die like Mandy and Tony's baby, who'd have thunk? Being a baby in Hollyoaks sucks, chances are you'll die of cottdeaf or be adopted and nere seen again and you don't even to suck on and deliscious Hollyoaks boobies.
[edit] Warren vs. Clare in the battle between Good and Evil.
The 'Evil' Clare (who Justin once also tapped, the lucky bugger) got all pissed off with Justin for trying to kill her and abducted Katy, yet another hot girl who Justin was tapping, and kidnapped her. Warren (who was previously 'Evil' but now 'Good') got all growly and desperate and Justin panicked and Max showed up just for hell of it. A chase ensued, with them believing a dummy was Katy (although the actor playing Warren refused to do any scenes with the dummy as it constantly outshone his acting ability) and pretending Justin was dead. Clare ran over Justin, a chase to some lake ensued, Warren shouted 'KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATEEEEEEEEEH!!' really loudly as Clare, being a woman driver, ended up driving into the lake. Warren saved Katy and it looked like Clare drowned. Good had triumphed over Evil once more, although the battle was revealed not to have won the war as Clare was shown to be alive.
[edit] Notable characters
[edit] Present
- Justin Burton - Bit of a spare part these days. If there's something fishy and needlessly complicated going on, he's likely involved.
- Warren Fox - Spends half his time attacking teenage boys and the other half quivering from men his own age.
- Louise Summers - So glamorous she pisses glitter.
- Calvin Valentine - Crime fighting big girl's blouse. Although, we suspect he has massive balls.
- Sasha Valentine - Is looking increasingly greasy and taking heroin in a failed attempt to be less boring.
- Leo Valentine - Likes him a skotch (To be fair, everyone does.)
- Danny Valentine - Still exists... we think.
- Lauren Valentine - Emo that hides in the corner, sticking pins in dolls. Angsty about everything and nothing.
- OB - Max: the sequel. Hobbies included trying to kill Claire Devine and hugging Max. A lot. Really a lot. Too much. Enough to seriously question both their sexualities.
- Tom Cunningham - Only child over 1 and under 14 in the village. Cursed to tragedy and family deaths. 90% chance of already being screwed up beyond repair by life.
- Tony Hutchinson - The Ken Barlow of Hollyoaks. Yup. You know the lad's is going to be there to the fucking end.
- Dominic Reilly - His brother, only more feminine.
- Mercedes McQueen - Sex-addict chav.
- Jacqui McQueen - Angry chav.
- Carmel McQueen - Plastic chav.
- Tina McQueen - Library chav.
- Michaela McQueen - Bratty chav.
- Myra McQueen - Mama chav.
- Nana McQueen - The Original Chav responsible for Myra and her spawn of chavs.
- Niall Rafferty - Chav-hunter.
- John-Paul McQueen - The village gay (likely due to his chav-heavy upbringing)
- Russ Owen - Proof that you become a fully qualified teacher in 3 weeks.
- Jake Dean - Controlling husband. Went crazy insane because of...well we're not quite sure why but he's in the loony bin now where facial hair equals lack of sanity.
- Steph Dean - A poor man's Paris Hilton with a good heart. (If such a thing is possible)
- Charlie Dean - Justin/Jake/Becca's kid. Also has leukemia. Unsure which to feel more sorry for him about.
- Darren Osbourne - Used to be in a boy band, dresses like MC Hammer's pimp.
- Jack Osbourne - Runs a tavern and is buried in debt despite the fact that everyone in the village drinks there 4 times a day.
- Frankie Osbourne - Crazy MILF woman, was told she was 'buff' by Danny Valentine when he forgot his contact lenses.
- Nancy Hayton - Super-feminist turned oppressed housewife turned Mega-feminist. An evolving pokemon of feminism.
- Sarah Barnes - Wears short skirts in the winter. Why? Because she's a model!
- Amy Barnes - Modern day Rapunzel.
- Kathy Barnes - Total nutjob, but she did bang her daughter's boyfriend and poo in a box. They've got class in Hollyoaks.
- Mike Barnes - Turned psycho, even shaved his head, quite buff for a old man. He is now banging the 20-year-old Zoe...Lucky bastard.
- Leah Barnes - Plot device extraordinaire.
- Ste Hay - Douche. Nothing else to add.
- Suzanne Ashworth - Harold Shipman, dark horse.
- Neville Ashworth - Kept in the dark. A bit of a racist.
- Rhys Ashworth - Going through dark times. Town pariah because he boned his sister.
- Josh Ashworth - Cries too much for a lad.
- Hannah Ashworth - Thinks she's fat but's not. That's about it, really.
- Gilly Roach - Desperately wishes he was an Ashworth (he'd probably have had more luck with Beth)
- Jamie 'Fletch' Fletcher - Recurring family member that nobody cares about. Currently a greasy smackhead
- Kris Fisher - Irish bisexual tranny
- Zak Barnes/Ramsey - Scouser who magically disappeared then returned with a different last name.
- Kieron Hobbs - Gay priest.
- Zoe Carpenter - Shags mentally unstable men, gambling addicts and old men.
- Elliot Bevan - Thought his dad was abducted by aliens, got hypothermia waiting for him to come back from space...... considered the smartest person in Hollyoaks.
- Newt - Emo kid who makes even drag queens go "step back, mate. No one needs this much mascara"
- Eli - Newt's imaginary friend. (No, really)
[edit] Past
- Max Cunningham - Not much luck when it comes to weddings/marriages. Only character universally mourned.
- Aleksander Malota - Albanian bloke, shagged half the McQueens Albania-style with his proud Albanian semen....ALBANIA!
- Sonny Valentine- Angry Rude-boy, ran off to Auntie (Actually got fired haha).
- Becca Dean - Paedo who married Jake, humped Justin, got stabbed and snuffed it. Tis life.
- Will Hackett - Is handy with a webcam and throwing people off buildings.
- Katy Fox - Also referred to as Kay-ehh. Got upset and left. (Really, that's how it happened)
- Joe Spencer - Died in a fire. From Manchester. So nobody cared! Apart from Zoe for a minute before she jumped into bed with a psychopath.
- Olivia Johnson - Plank of wood. Also died in the fire.
- Mel Burton - Alcoholic, eventually died in a fire, too bad she drank so much, she burnt like a motherfucker!
- Sophie Burton - Her twin sister, also died in aforementioned fire.
- Sam Owen - Same fire, although he started it. Sexy bastard though.
- Nicole Owen - Half teenage girl, half hamster. All cheeks.
- The Owen Parents - Not really important. Likely to be found working at the cardboard box factory.
- Noel Ashworth - Scored with Suzanne many moons ago and made Rhys. Half man, half leather jacket.
- Beth Clement - Killed in a car crash. karma isn't kind with incestuous pervs
- Jess Harris - Heather Mills-McCartney with two legs
- Summer Shaw - A STAGED singer! (really wasn't as interesting as they made it out to be)
- Andy Holt - Crazy rapist guy. Last seen impaled on a conveniently placed pole.
- Dannii Carbone - Dannii - Despite having a generally silly name, is generally a class act.
- Cameron Clark - Joined Metallica and had his bollocks burned by Captain Ev!l
- Ali Taylor - Killed in battle
- Darlene Taylor - Nobody liked her, got her face slashed. Boffed Craig back in the days when he had dodgy longish hair and wasn't gay.
- Justin's Mum - Moved away, can you blame the bitch?
- Richard Taylor - Slept with other women. Owned a juice bar that EVERYONE went to.
- Macki - Assassinated by Ali.
- Wayne Tunniclife - Ugly fucker who Michaela McQueen went out with.
- Lee Hunter - Ran away to Emmerdale and is masquerading as someone else.
- Les Hunter - Owned a garage, looked like a nonce, spoke like a bastard.
- Sally Hunter - Not important although she was nice - one of the better mums on the show. A little sour faced.
- Lisa Hunter - Shacked up with Ben Davies. Had orgies. Developed STDs. Shared them. Sluts! Became a hidden character on Hollyoaks: In the city, unlockable through E4.
- Dan Hunter - His car exploded. He died. Everybody was sad. Then they moved on.
- Bombhead - Went to Ukraine with his long lost dad to join the circus. And you think this is a joke.
- Ben Davies - Left, became another hidden character in Hollyoaks: In the city. Got shot in it, so that's what you get for leaving Hollyoaks!
- Craig Dean - Liked to wear vests when sleeping with John Paul. Likely to be found denying he's gay.
- Clare Devine - Rasputin without the charm. Strangled by half the village on separate occasions and survived. Pushed off a balcony and survived. Had a seizure and survived. Finally had a big fucking car crash into a lake and survived, although nobody knows this. Can be found in Eastenders, lying about her surname and having a short hair cut. You ain't fooling anyone, Clare!
- Debbie Dean - Was going to marry Dan but couldn't marry a coffin. Fucked off on a boat. Yay!
- Zara Morgan - Boz-eyed, snag-toothed, loud-mouthed ugly twat.
- Izzy Davies - Posh totty.
- Mandy Hutchinson - Was married to Tony, but left him when the baby died, speculation inidcates the child died of malnutriion as Mandy never fed the poor little shit. A little bit frosty and icy.
- Grace Hutchinson - Died sadly, thanks to fraggle rock dyke Nancy.
- Melissa Hurst -Tragically died of anorexia/bulimia; now fronting a hot new ad campaign for PRADA.
- Rob Hawthorne - Posh, evil motherfucker who everyone hated, tried to bomb the entire village but ended up killing himself.
- Burton Philips - (Who?!) Hidden character who can only be unlocked through E4 in Hollyoaks: In the city, not a very nice bloke.
- Others - They all left for respective reasons.
[edit] Current happenings in the village
Clare pissed off, which was good because that bitch stank. She's still alive, but stands no chance of returning now that a talking Newt is at large. Newts do not take shit, especially Clare shaped shit. A fellow named Simon was recently accused of having his way with little boys by the likes of Gilly, Jake and Max. Max and Gilly can be forgiven for these false claims, but really, we all wish Jake would just pack his shit and leave. Rumour has it that Nancy will be found innocent of all fondling charges and will whine to the point where Jake explodes all over the flat furniture, killing himself and Nancy. Also, according to Shitty Soap Rumours magazine, Rhys tries to cheer himself up by feigning illness and asking Make A Wish foundation to get him Led Zeppelin tickets. The phone is engaged though, and the storyline ends there.
[edit] The Alcohol
Every confrontation, affair, fist fight, and randy bout of incest in Hollyoaks is caused, fueled and eventually resolved around a pint of alcohol. The average Hollyoaks citizen consumes an average of 8 glasses of wine or beer a day and the average student 12.
The only reason this severe communal dependency has yet to become an issue, is because the flow of alcohol never stops in Hollyoaks, keeping the alcoholics (aka everyone) happy and buzzed. Whether its at the Dog, at the Gnosh, in the SU bar, at the Loft or even in the streets, Hollyoaks village motto is: " Life's better when you rub some Hollyoa- Wha-What are ye looking at? Want to take this outside?!".
[edit] Hollyoaks Trivia
There are 5 alcohol-licensed establishments in Hollyoaks and no pharmacies.
As a general rule, men and women cannot stay just friends. As long as they have no desire to kill each other they must sleep together at least once if they have been acquainted for more than an hour.
The memory of any character is only capable of lasting a few months, therefore any characters who were in conflict will inevitably end up sleeipng toether, getting married or having an illegitimate baby together or some shit.
Drugs are very rare and when anyone in Hollyoaks takes them once they immediately become addicted and turn evil. Any good characters who take drugs will have an immediate brush with death, like when Max did a line of Warren's dodgy boom ting.
