Bible
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| Dammit!!!!!
|
“God and I got into a real argument half-way through writing the Bible. Our visions of it were quite different, he wanted to have more of a novel based on the works of Oscar Wilde while I was aiming for Dada poetry. I decided to leave the project, and naturally he got what he wanted.”
~ Daniel on The Bible
“Soooo, yeeeeaaaaah... where to start on this one...”
~ Jesus on your interpretation of the Bible
“I was wondering if I should even put it out because it wasn't who I thought I was... and I think a lot of those verses helped define me as a person... so...”
~ God on the Bible
The Bible (also known as The Holy Bi[b]le or Buy bull) is a long-running series of soap-opera novelisations of numerous genres (dominantly fictional with elements of epistle, historical, and apocalyptic tones) written by variable authors (all of whom were under the influence), the first being published by Stone Tablets Press in 200 BC.[1] The Bible chronicles the life of Super Space Daddy and Zombie Jew Son. In the book, Space Daddy sacrifices his son in a blood orgy and eventually uses black magic to reincarnate him into a flesh-eating zombie propagandist. Besides the story, many morals are taught in the Bible including genocide, anal sex, and neoconservatism. A religious cult has formed surrounding the book series. Many fans hold to the idea that the books are literal, despite authors having expressed feelings of shame and regret when fans "take it too far". Despite its slight usefulness, the book mostly works for nothing more than toilet paper and fire supplies.
One common misconception is that The Bible is just one book, but this is not true; The Bible is not just one book, but an entire series as stated above. Is is generally accepted that there are two main books in the series, the Old Testament and the New Testament, the latter being the sequel, which, as usual, is not as good as the first in the series. Furthermore, fans of both the New Testament and the Old Testament call themselves "Christians", while fans of strictly the Old Testament call themselves "Jews". On a side note, fans of a similar book series, The Qur'an call themselves "Muslims", and fans of another book series called The Vedas call themselves "Hindus".
There have been many revisions, updates, and additions to the Old Testament and the New Testament, creating the entire series we know of today. Most fans of the series will accept their own ideas about what The Bible is however, leading some to reject certain books in the series but not others (sort of like Star Wars or Harry Potter). Or, in some cases, to reject all books in the series altogether.
Contents |
Old Testament
The first book, the Old Testament (200 BC), was written by numerous authors, most notably David the Second King of Israel.
In the Old Testament, the authors describe the fictional beginnings of Earth by the means of a deity known by many names, but more recognizably known as The Big Guy Upstairs. In the book, God has the ultimate orgasm, causing the Big Bang, or "Genesis" (hence the chapter's title). So humble are the authors that they even go on to suggest that God himself wrote the very book that the readers are reading, creating a splendid twist of reality that can only otherwise be found through the means of drug use. In it, we follow the exciting adventures a tribe of "God's chosen people" known as the Israelites. Upon its release, mixed feelings were felt. Stories of harsh punishment, divine intervention, genocide, rape, and murder made the book very controversial. Roman intellectuals called the book "radical" and "unimpressive". Eratosthenes wrote the following brief review on the book:
| How the Jews even managed to find the time to write something down with all of their wacky tacky long holidays and genital mutilation is beyond me. Anywho, that book was boring. Why read about people being fed to lions when you can come watch that in the Roman Colosseum for only twenty denarii, plus the aqueduct tax? |
Despite this, it made #6 on Heeb Magazine's "30 Greatest Hebrew Books To Read Before You Die" and was renowned by Jews everywhere. Today, it is considered widely entertaining, but is still very controversial, leading to minor cases of censorship and even posting of warning labels on it.
One often controversial example is Genesis, Chapter Nineteen, particularly verses four through eight, which deals with homosexual gang rape, and verses thirty-four through thirty-six, which deals with Lot's drunken incest with his virgin daughters.
Many important characters are introduced in the Old Testament, such as Moses, Abraham, Joshua, Adam and Eve, and the anti-hero, Satan. In the book, Satan describes himself as the "enemy of God", and God describes Satan as a "hideous, disformed creature, and complete jackass who cheats at poker."
The dude above, who is probably Noah, was also an important character in the bible.
There are some very popular themes in the Old Testament. One of the more recognized elements of the Old Testament are the Ten Commandments given to Moses by God on two stone tablets which in summation make it wrong for man to have any fun, lest the action he takes be deemed a "sin" for which he will pay for in the afterlife when his soul is sent to hell. Another popular theme is also in the chapter Genesis, where God tells Abraham to travel to Moriah where God then orders Abraham to kill his son Isaac. Splendid.
New Testament
“That terribly depressing story about the chap who gets born on Christmas Day, shoots his mouth off about everything under the sun, and then comes a cropper with a couple of rum coves on top of a hill in Johnny Arab land.”
~ Oscar Wilde on the New Testament
The New Testament (aka Bible II: Electric Boogaloo) is the second book in the series and is, as its name suggests, newer than the Old Testament. Its authors are unknown, but the book claims it was written by the disciples of the book's protagonist, another twist in the story's plot.
The New Testament is unique in that it introduces a new character to the series known as Jesus Christ, who serves as the main character in the book. In it, Jesus is the "Son of God", birthed by his virgin mother, Mary. Throughout the book, Jesus plays the role of a messiah-like figure with strong moral values, such as the value of the family, pacifism, and looking like a hippie. The tone of the New Testament, in contrast, is entirely more gentile. Overall, the New Testament is far less controversial in that it has less scenes of unnecessary killing and sex, and instead focuses on alcohol use and torture. But that is also why critics agree it is "less interesting than its predecessor."
For the most part, Jews (strong fans of the Old Testament) have labeled the book as a rip-off and unoriginal and reject it outright. Fans of the Old Testament also claim that the New Testament portrays God as being far too soft, and that it "just doesn't have that scary biblical feeling."
One Jewish critic stated that he felt that "God could not have inspired the writing of the New Testement. My God is not that much of a pussy."
One of the more interesting chapters in the New Testament is the Book of Revelation, which is a chapter full of imagery and symbolism used to describe a fictional event known as the Apocalypse and the events preceding it. A very entertaining section indeed, the Book of Revelation, some believe, suggests the particular number "666" as being the mark of the beast. More confusing riff-raff is abundant in this chapter as well concerning the anti-Christ and Israel, but nobody cares.
Other Books
There have been several other books which have either revised or elaborated further on either of the original two books. Most of them are boring though, and more than likely started out as a joke in the beginning.
Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
While considered a "universal" book that doesn't pertain to just The Bible per se, The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster by Bobby Henderson adds an interesting perspective on the books. It is largely considered a satirical work which parodies The Bible and attempts to "poke holes" in the storyline. Fans of this particular book refer to themselves as "Pastafarians".
Book of Mormon
The Book of Mormon is a fan fiction novel written about the bible. It is now a revised and reformed version of earlier texts. Written by Joseph Smith, the book is a rigid manifesto for those who are referred to as the "Latter Day Saints" in the book. It tells about the evil of pop and candy and the joys of polygamy and kitten huffing. Ultimately, it's not a very interesting read except for the parts about kitten huffing. It has been rejected by just about everybody outside the state of Utah. Fans of the book refer to themselves as "Morons".
The Pudgic Bible
The Pudgic Bible by DiZ is only mentioned in here because it has the world "bible" in it, so we figured it was relevant, but it's really not. If you're looking for something to help you get to sleep, we suggest reading this. It's about weaselpudge or whatever.
Red Letter Editions
- Note: This should not be confused with wiki links which appear in red letters, as that means something altogether different.
In many modern books of The Bible, the dialogue of the character Jesus are printed in red letters. Although this is fairly recent among English-language editions, the practice itself dates back to the earliest known manuscripts of the Gospels, in which the dialogue of Jesus was written using the author's own blood.
Many Biblical scholars theorize that some of the apparent inconsistencies that appear in parts of the text may actually have been the result of severe blood loss. In fact, the Gospel of St. James the Lesser was never completed, because he (the author) had a rare blood disease and bled to death while attempting to transcribe.
Losers
Arguably, The Bible is one of the greatest and oldest literary efforts ever. However, throughout the years, there have been mad playa haters and some outright psychopaths who were influenced by The Bible. It's worth noting again that The Bible was intended to be a piece of fiction, and was never meant to be taken seriously to the extent that it has already. But in a time where there weren't microprocessors and Beck, it's understandable how so many found comfort in such an entertaining series such as The Bible and used it to explain the world around them.
Many have taken the values and beliefs in The Bible to heart and expressed them to the point of becoming martyrs for them. The Crusades, terrorism, genocide, and Christian rock music have all been the terrible results of gullible readers of The Bible. Of course, the list is endless. Pope, which used to be the highest civil authority hundreds of years ago in predominantly Catholic nations in Europe, was formed out of a work of fiction. Billions of dollars have been spent throughout the centuries to build churches and synagogues in which people can get together and read and celebrate The Bible. People have come to worship the book as though it were some sort of religious doctrine.
Some Americans who seek to protect their children from violence, sex, etc. have demanded a politically correct version of The Bible, which is expected to be released in the near future. Firstly, all of the violence, war, discrimination, etc., must be written out. After that, just a few dozen pages will be left, and the writers can put in all of the minorities they can think of. God will be an African-American lesbian and Jesus a Native American.
On Diplomacy
| When the LORD your God brings you into the land where you are entering to possess it, and clears away many nations before you, the Hittites and the Girgashites and the Amorites and the Canaanites and the Perizzites and the Hivites and the Jebusites, seven nations greater and stronger than you. And when the LORD your God delivers them before you and you defeat them, then you shall utterly destroy them. You shall make no covenant with them and show no favor to them. (Deuteronomy 7:1-2) |
On Friendship
| When you approach a city to fight against it, you shall offer it terms of peace. If it agrees to make peace with you and opens to you, then all the people who are found in it shall become your forced labor and shall serve you. However, if it does not make peace with you, but makes war against you, then you shall besiege it. When the LORD your God gives it into your hand, you shall strike all the men in it with the edge of the sword. Only the women and the children and the animals and all that is in the city, all its spoil, you shall take as booty for yourself; and you shall use the spoil of your enemies which the LORD your God has given you ... Only in the cities of these peoples that the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance, ye shall not leave alive anything that breathes, lest you be stricken by God himself. (Deuteronomy 20:10-17) |
On Virginity
| Now therefore, kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman who has known man intimately. But all the girls who have not known man intimately, spare for yourselves. (Numbers 31:17-18)
The preservation of purity until the union of souls shall be rewarded with a healthy child. The tainting of purity before this shall render a mongoloid child. (Psalms 12:12-20) |
On Bullies
| I tell you that to everyone who has, more shall be given, but from the one who does not have, even what he does have shall be taken away. But these enemies of mine, who did not want me to reign over them, bring them here and slay them in my presence. (Luke 19:26-27)
|
On Mother-in-laws
| Do not think that I have come to send peace on earth. I did not come to send peace, but a sword. I am sent to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a son-in-law against his mother-in-law (Matthew 10:34-35) |
The Hypnotic effect
A common theory is that the writers of the bible intended for it to act as a hynotic passage, to trick readers into funding the church. An example of this so-called 'hypnosis effect' is the following extract:
| Abraham begat Isaac; and Isaac begat Jacob; and Jacob begat Judas and his brethren; And Judas begat Phares and Zara of Thamar; and Phares begat Esrom; and Esrom begat Aram; And Aram begat Aminadab; and Aminadab begat Naasson; and Naasson begat Salmon; And Salmon begat Booz of Rachab; and Booz begat Obed of Ruth; and Obed begat Jesse; And Jesse begat David the king; and David the king begat Solomon of her [that had been the wife] of Urias; And Solomon begat Roboam; and Roboam begat Abia; and Abia begat Asa; And Asa begat Josaphat; and Josaphat begat Joram; and Joram begat Ozias; And Ozias begat Joatham; and Joatham begat Achaz; and Achaz begat Ezekias; And Ezekias begat Manasses; and Manasses begat Amon; and Amon begat Josias; And Josias begat Jechonias and his brethren, about the time they were carried away to Babylon(Matthew 1) |
Reviews
“Don't get me wrong. It's alright. Nothing on Lord of the Rings though.”
~ God on The Bible
“The Bible is true because the Bible says the Bible is true.”
~ The Bible on recursive Christianity
“I hear there's a sequel coming out later this year. I'm really looking forward to it.”
~ Newsnight Review on The Bible
“Bible is true because Bible says so”
~ Kent Hovind on The Bible
“Terrible.”
~ Satan on The Bible
“Lies!”
~ God on above statement
“I learnt that lies made the baby Jee Man cry.”
~ Oscar Wilde on above statement
“Less interesting than the Harry Potter series, but better than Eragon. ”
~ The New York Times on The Bible
“ I'd rather die than read this.”
~ William Murderface on The Bible
See also
- Sermon
- God's Guide to Parenting
- The video game version of the Bible
- XBible 360
- Holy Bible: Revised Liberal Edition
- Koran
- Biblical Out-Takes
- Source Criticism
- The Bible Code
- Bible Code
- Kitten Huffing
- John 3:16
- New Cooler Edition
- Satan
Notes
- ↑ God (200BC) The Bible: Reflections on life, love, history and hope New York: Stone Tablets Press. ISBN 0-000-00000-0
