Homeopathy

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Homeopathy has a long and distinguished history, going back to Idiocrates. Translations of his homeopathetic recipes have been dated to the late 8th Century AD, and are known to be copies of older versions.

“Homeopathy is nothing but sugar-coated pseudoscience.”

~ L. Ron Hubbard on Homeopathy

“If you reject homeopathy, you surely must be deluded”

~ Dr. Vogel on Unbelievers of homeopathy

1 Basic principles of Homeopathy
2 Homœopathic Pharmacopœia
3 Warning!
4 Useful Links

[edit] Basic principles of Homeopathy

Homeopaths know the value of drinking water, especially when attempting to cure or prevent thirst. Homeopaths also know the value of not drinking poison. Early homeopath Christian Friedrich Samuel Hahnemann understood the potential of combining these important concepts, and thus homeopathy was born. By not combining large amounts of water with large amounts of poison, or perhaps by combining large amounts of water with not-large amounts of poison, a very effective medicine could be made which makes people not sick. (Note that Naturopathy, the practice of using large amounts of non-poison to make people not sick, is a completely different and unrelated practice.)

The guiding principles of homeopathy are illustrated in the following abbreviated pharmacopia.

[edit] Homœopathic Pharmacopœia

[edit] The Antidepressant: Onions

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Homeopathy.

Depression makes you cry. Cutting onions makes you cry. (It is not currently known if cutting onions makes the Baby Jesus cry.) So, if you're feeling down, don your goggles, purify some onion (the less onion the better), take a little onion goop, and drop it in a huuuuge bucket of water. Mix it around some. Then take an eyedropper and drop a little bit into a huuuuge bucket of water. Repeat this process a bunch of times, more if you are more depressed. If you are like Bonnie Tyler "Total Eclipse of the Heart" depressed, do it like a hundred times. During this process, every now and then you should bang the mixture on a leather-bound Bible, which will cause the few remaining onion molecules, or memory of them, to get in an ornery depression-fighting mood.

Take the resultant tap water -- uhhh ... take the resultant pharmacological infusion and brush it on some lactose pills. If you are lactose intolerant, fuck off. Let the pills dry. Swallow them but with only a little water since you don't want to overdose.

If your depression goes away immediately, or goes away over the next several weeks, or lessens slightly, or doesn't get any worse, you know that the medicine - and the 18th Century science behind it - works.

[edit] The Sleep Aid: Decaf Guatemala

Coffee keeps you awake. Decaf, less so. So really really dilute decaf must put you to sleep! If you're having trouble sleeping, here is your cure. (If you do not have sleep problems this medicine will have no effect. For example, if you are wide awake at 11 AM when you want to be wide awake, this scientific healing definitely-not-a-pseudo-science well-supported-by-tests tincture will have no effect.) Take a nice hot cup of a good coffee. Put a teaspoon of it into a huuuuge bucket of water and do all the crap described above. You might want to use a simple leather pouch for your potentating or potentiating or potencyizationizing since it is hard to get coffee stains, especially really potent coffee stains, off of Bible covers.

Now put a teensy eyedropper full of the stuff into about a fifth of Everclear. Drain the bottle. You should be unconscious pretty soon, so you know that the medicine - and the 18th Century science behind it - works.

[edit] The Pseudo-Science Exorcist: Jägermeister

In recent years Homeopathetic thinking has made its way into the mainstream food industry with interesting results.

It is important to disbelieve lame old pseudoscience "medicine" that evil con artists invent to make money and sicken people. Examples of pseudoscience include replicable double-blind testing, organic chemistry, the setting of broken bones, and definitions of "energy" which would allow it to be measured in "calories". People who believe in such things are stupid.

Everyone knows liquor makes you stupid. This why drunks are so popular at parties. (I don't get it either.) You'll note that an equivalent amount of beer makes you less stupid, riiiiiight?

Anyway, take a bottle of Jäger and that eyedropper, which I HOPE you have cleaned at least once you fucking slob, and put a drop of the stuff into a huuuuuge bucket of water. Put it up in the air and shake it around like you jus' don' care. Maybe slap it on a leatherbound National Lampoon's Animal House VHS. Do that a bunch more times.

Now put a teensy eyedropper full of the plain water -- uhhh ... full of the highly potent scientifically-made preparation -- into about a fifth of Everclear. Drain the bottle. You should be really smart pretty soon, so you know that the medicine - and the 18th Century science behind it - works.

[edit] The Beauty Aid: Caviar

You know how sturgeons look? Do you want to look that way? Okay, so the mommy of caviar is a knocked-up sturgeon. Take a caviar egg, squish it, put it in a huuuuge bucket of god this is too fucking easy.