Human
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“Hey, we're humans!”
“We rule!”
~ humans on humans
Human beings are a disease of the species Homo sapiens, that means they are hairless monkeys. Unique among mammals, humans never reach a natural equilibrium with their environment. They spread to an area and they multiply and multiply, until every natural resource is consumed. Then they spread to another area. One other organism on this planet follows the same pattern - a virus.
Humans are prone to stubbing their toes and suicide. Interestingly, commiting suicide to avoid the pain of a stubbed toe is considered foolish in most cultures. Humans live in tiny boxes called "flats" where they feel really cooped up, so this may be one reason why they frequently commit suicide. Humans kill themselves in a number of ways, including eating toxic chemicals and smoking paper tubes filled with tobacco. They also kill each other in wars as a favour to one another. Humans are thought to be one of the least intelligent animal species.
If you are reading this article, then chances are you are a human yourself.
Back in the 1830s, Mel Gibson wrote, directed and starred in a movie named Star Wars. To make it come to life he required the existence of a new species, so he found the nearest bakery and created millions of humans, in a variety of flavors, and equipped them with an epic backstory. While the the humans lived on with some success, the movie was a flop. He also decided to build a toilet out of gold, and put it in his office.
Millions of years ago, long before our arrival on this fair planet from some dim galactic pus-pocket, a primitive group of clever barbarians, the humans, evolved from a group of dust mites which escaped from a nuclear reactor built by aliens. They were a worthless bunch, but managed to survive anyway.
Humans (pronounced as HEW-mins, pluralized as Humen), also known as meat piles, are a race of subterranean animals which thrive off the nuclear radiation produced by the Backstreet Boys. They thought that they were the most intelligent species on the planet, along with Chimps, Dolphins, Elephants, Parrots, Octopi, Squirrels, Pigs, and Mice, but were actually the most stupidest species in the universe. THEY WILL ALWAYS be destroyed by aliens in EVERY sci-fi book. ALWAYS.
The current scientific name, El Stupido cacaheads, is Latin for shithead stupid monkey, which pretty much characterizes this creature. The older Homo sapiens (Lat. gay old human) is still widely in use in scientific literature.
At first, humans were thought to be merely the servants of a far sleeker, more interesting species, the pussy. Some men have suggested that this seems to be the case in their marriage. Most single men have, in recent times, suggested that this was not the case.
Master Humanologist Tone Loc has been quoted as saying, "To assume humans to be slaves to so intelligent an entity as the pre-historic cockroach would be to doubt the inherent sense of equality and infinite wisdom characterised by its species. The roach would not allow itself to have slaves. Roaches were probably more like gods to humans."
Archaeological evidence suggests these creatures possessed at least three arms apiece and walked around with nothing but woven snail and plant fibers to protect them from the 4 Billion Year Blizzard of Poisonous Scorpions. It has also recently come to light that these humans met their demise in one of four possible ways, known, collectively, as the Foreplay Theory.
The human species as a whole is considered to be safe in terms of how close to extinction they are. However if you divide the species into intelligent humans (IH) and non-intelligent or "stupid" humans (SH) we find that the IH are actually a very endangered species, as their natural habitat is being destroyed by those with lesser brain functions. Many of the IH sub species have retreated to "cyberspace" where they spend their lives discussing the deeper meaning of life. If you can call that a life. The SH have resorted to spending their 'lives' watching reality television and discussing the latest Hollywood gossip. These humans are the least intelligent, and usually spend their times crossed eyed and drooling at Starbucks, trying to see if their clothes are as fashionable as the idiot sitting next to them.
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[edit] Speculation
Recent studies have shown that humans do not actually exist. The big G-man, in his bearded wisdom, created the humans from a cardboard box, a rubber band, a remote control, a nuclear bomb, and magic. Then, just for kicks, he Grinchishly snuck into every science classroom in the Blue States Josh-ville town and replaced the class cross with a bunch of textbooks about evolution. Christians began hating Liberals for being sacrilegious, Liberals began hating Conservatives for being too Christian, Christians began hating Conservatives for being too war-hungry, Conservatives and Liberals teamed up to hate Christians for being too old-fashioned, Conservatives and Christians teamed up to hate Liberals for being too new-fashioned, Liberals and Christians teamed up to hate Conservatives for being too old-fashioned...again, all three teamed up to hate everyone else for daring to be different, all four groups shot every other group they hated, and every human on Earth ended up dying. Oh, wait, that doesn't happen till next week...I shouldn't have said that...uh, forget all that.
It has been heard that humans walk on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three in the evening This is, of course, pure bullshit, as humans prefer to refrain from walking as much as possible.
That being said, humans remain the most pathetic carbon based lifeforms in the galaxy. Recent speculation and theorisation has shown that an alien invasion is unlikley. Why waste the ammunition on a species that believes digital watches, colourful ring-binder files and running with scissors are good ideas?
[edit] History of Humans
- Main article: History of Humanity
It all began when the first two humans, Felix and Jen, had unprotected sex. (He should have used a condom).
After this amazing feat of creation magic, the retards were formed. The Jews came out of the big closet (they became NOT gay) with two of every animal and a lame skyscraper.
Soon after the f'ing retarded skyscraper fell, the Spanish got angry at the Puerto Ricans, and so George Bush was created to keep peace with the two opposing forces. This made the Lesbo-Nazis angry and they assassinated George Bush and took over Puerto Rico, initiating in the Mad Cow Disease Movement.
Meanwhile the Jews flew to America and created a grand Nation of Mutated Sentience called "I have 1,989,709,890,789 hydrogen bombs, beware, inc.
These Capitalists decided that even though the French were stuck up holes in the wall they would overthrow the Lesbo-Nazi nation and call it Unununium. Germans, of course, fell in love with this and soon elected a new leader when the bubble popped in 1929 by the name of Adolph Hitler.
Hitler, an art flunky, immediately accepted this role of world kick-ass overlord and proceeded to build history's largest whorehouse in Poland. (Cause you you know, they got butt-raped). Once again, the Capitalists intervened and began the cold war, after the over throw of Hitler in the winter of 1946. As a side note, the cold war was named for the temperature of Bill Gates's feet prior to his wedding with Matt Damon, which was a contemporaneous event.
Soon summer came and it was no longer cold, but became hot, so everyone went to the beach and fought over the perfect spot. This fight became the Gulf War, which now has been re-named the Bush war because of newly discovered oil bearing bushes on I-Rock.
In recent times, the human species has undergone rapid genetic degradation. With the worlds scientists being too lazy to cure it, the people of the internet gave this new species the title of Noob (scientific name: Noobus sapien). The Noobs subsequent constant demands to be treated as humans (along with requests for more gold) have only led to even further ownage of this inferior sub-race of humans.
[edit] Major Problem
Humans have, or had, or might be having (depends on where in time you are when reading), a major problem. Most of them are unhappy pretty much all of the time. They are such a sad species that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea.
Many solutions have been suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd, because it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
And so the problem remains-lots of people are unhappy, and most are miserable. Even those with digital watches.
And then one Thursday, nearly two thousand years after one man had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change, a girl sitting in a small cafe in Rickmansworth suddenly realized what had been going wrong the whole time and realized how everyone could be happy, but before she could make it to the phone, she got hit by a bus.
It is believed, however, that the way to make everyone happy had something to do with shamelessly plagiarizing a certain popular author. There is unfortunately very little evidence to support this.
[edit] Diet
Chiefly grains, insects, other humans, Flesh Eating Bovines and small rodents and anything else. Humans are lazy and usually don't make attempts on large predators, but they can and sometimes do, with lethal efficiency. Some sub-species of human such as republicans also feed on the poor.
In fact, humans are vicious predators, and with the assistance of such devices as the "Sharps .45-70", have been able to kill even lions, tigers, Flesh Eating Bovines and bears from a distance of 500 yards--even though their impressively powerful bite would be quite enough. Most humans don't actually eat bears, but they pride themselves in being able to kill them and make fun of each other for attempting to do so with undersized weapons.
[edit] Cloning
By design, humans are born with a need to be able to, or at least say they've been able to, clone stuff. It could be anything, it doesn't matter. All humans are drawn towards this need, oddly enough, the smart ones even more so than the dumber ones. Cloning of humans has produced positive results over the past three years, so much that Chief Provost Niran Doyle promises a fresh, healthy human in every home by next August.
Humans evolved on planet Earth and their closest domestic relative is a virus. Their closest universal relative is The Roswell Grey.
Cloning is how the humans propagate during the War with Cats.
Some humans claim that a "God" created every human and will smite any who dares questions him, AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! HE GOT ME!!
WHAT are we how are we alive why do we live we should just live a life day by day not thinking about tomorrow we are not smart I ponder lots of stuff we will never know everything we should learn as much as possible even if people think we not able to we should just relax and enjoy day by day because we don't live a long time all that I speak is true remember what I say
[edit] Predators
There is only one natural predator of the human that is still in existence today: the Flesh Eating Bovine (this includes flesh eating bacteria, a subspecies of the Flesh Eating Bovine). Humans are often preyed upon by these creatures, and are their natural enemy. And other humans. However, this is not a typical predator-prey relationship, where one species predominantly feeds upon the other. A more appropriate description of this relationship would be predator-predator, in which there are two different species of predators that feed upon each other. Humans are the only natural predator of Flesh Eating Bovines. This results in a somewhat unique struggle for power, with Humans and Flesh Eating Bovines vying to enslave and devour the flesh of each other.
[edit] Large Things built by Humans
Some of the largest things humans have built include:
- The Great Wall of China, designed to keep Wal-Marts out of the country, which failed because of a lack of labor to build the other three walls and a roof.
- The Pyramids, an early symbol of Multi Level Marketing schemes, which ancient kings used to multiply their wealth.
- The Sears Tower, the evil lair of Bob Vila.
- Penises. Build with evil demonic dark black plastic surgery.
- Godzilla A human in a big lizard suit
- A womens large breasts or "boobs" as humans themselves have been known to call them.
[edit] Human Race
The Human Race is held every other Saturday in Paris, France. It is an international competition for mammals (including ninjas), which set up their humans and ride them around a 2 km track. One, who crosses the finish line first after 30 laps, is the winner.
Famous human racers include Jeb the Horse, Guinea Pig and Mandingo.
[edit] Legality
Humans are a controlled substance. In recent years, a number of human rights advocates have sought to legalize humans for medicinal purposes, but this is widely considered to be a bad idea. Humans are highly addictive, toxic, and extremely dangerous. If you see one, report it to the authorities immedeately.
If you suspect your child is on humans, have a talk with him. Explain the risks humans present, and how a human can easily ruin his/its/monkeys/her life. Although understood that you may have used humans when you were a child, don't be afraid of being called a hipocrite. Explain to them how it was a different time, and if they refuse to listen, give them a good belting.
[edit] Mega Recipe: Young Male Child
Feeds: 1 family of cannibals
1)You'll need to buy some good meat from the butchers. I prefer a puppy labrador's tail, as they smell the nicest, but any will do. Then you need to find some great snails. The best come imported from France, but you can find some big juicy ones all over the street outside after a big rainstorm. Then for the slugs. It is a firm popular belief that the mollusk-type slugs work best, but I stand by using M1A1D Abrams Main Battle Tank Slugs, as they have a nicer colour.
2)After you have got your meat, you'll need to pour it into a giant test-tube. Then, use your home DNA extracting kit to takeout the Deoxyribonucleic Acid from your hair. Afterwards, put the DNA into the test-tube and let the whole thing simmer under a bunsen-burner on a luminous flame.
3)When you come back, you should have a fully-working young male human, but it is best to flavour with soy sauce
4)Enjoy!
[edit] Humans: Myth or Reality? ( Richard Dawkins Says He's A Myth)
There has been some controversy lately as to whether humans are real or not. Huge scientific research teams say that there is evidence that humans may have existed as recently as twenty million years ago, but no one is sure.
[edit] Extinction
Humans will become extinct at 15:45 on June 14th 2087. Contrary to Popular Belief, it was not global warming that caused this mass extinction, but World War 7 (with the moogles). Also see The Extinction of the Human Race.
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