Gay

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(Redirected from Homosexual)

ATTENTION VANDALS
WOW! I can't believe you're actually reading this! But now that you are please read the text below...
So you're here to vandalise the GAYYYYYYYYYYY page on Uncyclopedia... Fair enough, a brilliant idea, you're obviously very clever. But alas, let me tell you something... We could have protected this page from being changed, but we think it's far more fun to let you make your changes, and then undo them with one click of the mouse. You're actually getting screwed by a GAY page, literally.
So, here's the deal... There's a section of this article called "Gay People & Current Sexual Status". Please use your skills as a queer basher to add to the list and make it as comprehensive as possible... If you only touch this list we promise not to remove your edits... honest...

	NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!
	The article you are looking at may not be work safe!
	If a boss or coworker saw this article, claim that it was spam and blame the IT guys. Otherwise, continue to read it until your lewd urges are satisfied.

A young Pope with an even younger altar boy

“Homosexuality is a negative corruption of humanity with no evolutionarily useful attributes. As the 'gay gene' is passed from parent to child, and gays do not breed, my theory predicts that the gay species will soon become extinct.”

~ Charles Darwin on Gays (when there were less gays)

1 Modern usage
2 Gayism through the Ages
3 Hard facts about Gayuality
4 Why?
5 Ahh, Almost Forgot, the Lesbian Thing
6 This Not Funny? Try Sticking These Up Your Ass

Gay is a word in transition. Years ago, gay simply meant happy. It was an innocuous, commonplace adjective used to describe entire decades such as The Gay 90s or the time had by Fred Flintstone in Hanna Barbera cartoons.

Ah, those golden days... When you could sit around the piano singing Get Into the Groove sipping tea and eating muffins, there were no poor or coloured people to worry about and the world was such a gay place... You could have a Gay Day without putting your penis anywhere, and even if you had the surname 'Gay' you could probably get through school with most of your teeth. Then everything got really complicated.

[edit] Modern usage

Modern gays.

Today the word gay has 3 uses:

A man who enjoys putting his penis into men's bottoms and doesn't like vaginas.
A woman who enjoys other women's vaginas and doesn't let men watch when they do.
A brilliantly insightful witticism used by Brits and Americans. Although the genius of the insult is without question, it seldom has anything to do with penises, vaginas or bottoms.

So as you can see, it can be difficult to tell exactly who is and is not gay, depending on who may or may not be gay. To confuse matters further still, some people like to put their penes/vaginas into various places of both men and women. These people are called Greedy, and everyone else is really jealous.

[edit] Gayism through the Ages

So, how did it all start, and where do gay people cum from? Now, now, be serious for a second...

[edit] The pre-history of the Gayites

Yes it is.

In the old days you used to be able to screw pretty much anything you fancied, animal, vegetable or mineral and didn't even have to ask, unless of course it was a dinosaur. Gay bashing existed, but sucking off a man was far less adventurous than tugging off a lion, so no-one gave a monkeys; especially the monkeys who still bum each other silly to this day.

[edit] Here cumeth men of virtue

If only Gabriel had let Jesus blow him instead

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. Etc, etc, etc...

When God finally got bored perking his jiffer at the dinosaurs he decided to create Adam so he could screw him instead. After watching poor Adam racking his wrists alone God gave him a good ribbing and created Eve allowing the family tradition of screwing yourself to continue. Adam and Eve had a whole lot of sex to create 2 children (both boys) who then had sex with each other (or possibly their mother) to create more children who then also had sex with each other. Nothing wrong there you understand...

For thousands of years everyone carried on doing whoever they pleased especially the ancient Greeks who bummed each other silly largely because it was less effort than getting a girl to do it.

God got a bit upset because man was actually starting to have more fun than him, so decided make a list of stuff that men aren't allowed to do. When no one really listened he committed adultery with a virgin who gave birth to Jesus. Due to his fashion sense Jesus' sexual advances were rejected by Angel Gabriel, a man, and even a sausage. In his rage Jesus banned sexualising anything with a plonker leaving him to wander the desert for forty days with nothing to suck on.

The deity-bashing continued long after. When a miniature Bonsai tree mocked Buddah's minuscule manhood he added his weight to this prohibition and Abraham revealed his support "'cos it's the thing all the cool kids do". Muhammad also backed the new rules. Obviously he had no feelings of sexual inadequacy, and his views are all completely correct and reasonable in every way. Mainly because his are the words of Allah the one true God. And ~~now you goat fucking fundamentalist lunatics have no reason to blow my ass up~~ that was that.

Yea, thanks guys

[edit] Hippies

Public admission of bum fancying became taboo for 2000 years and everyone carried on as before but just didn't tell the priest or their dads. Then in the 1960's some hippies decided it would be right on to liberate the gay oppressed minority Maaaan. As a result we now have to listen to all the repressed homosexuals banging on about sodomy again.-----

So Later on the gods got pissed and made this queer!

[edit] Hard facts about Gayuality

Thanks to those damn Chinese and all the whispering many misconceptions exist:

Apparently God was a non-smoker, but encourages his children to be fruity with each other

[edit] A Sin of Biblical Proportions

The Bible is the genuine indisputable word of God (If you have the brain power of a scholar ). He actually took time off running the whole universe to write it himself using a cloud. Genesis 19:8 is very clear about Gaying around....

Before they lay down, the women of the city, the women of Sodomy, surrounded the house, both young and old, all the people from every dime; and they called to Lot and said to him, "Where are the women who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us that we may have relations with them." But Lot went out to them at the doorway, and shut the door behind him, and said, "Please, my sisters, do not act wickedly." Now behold, I have two boys who have not had relations with man; please let me bring them out to you, and do to them whatever you like; only do nothing to these girls, inasmuch as they have come under the shelter of my roof.

Hang on a second, are you sure that's how it goes???

[edit] Some Speculation

Most gay people are not pedophiles, just like straight people, gays prefer to screw something which is not worn out yet. As for the priests. Well some of those choir boys can look rather pretty and there must be some perks to the job.

[edit] Gaydar

Many people believe that it's possible to identify a homosexual from how they dress or their mannerisms. Although this is not always possible as many straight men pretend to be gay in order to get more sex. As many straight women prefer the company of gay men so this is a reasonable request, and so Gaydar has been developed. It is the ability or gift to pinpoint with a certain amount of accuracy who is gay and who is just acting like a sissy and is closely but not likely a form of speculation. Unlike the rest of society, people who have "gaydar" often have access in some way or fashion (whether they like it or not) to gay people and as such have become accustomed to the gay culture and lifestyle. You can safely assume that they have become 'de facto' professionals on the matter of determining a person's "gayness". Contrary to popular belief not all gay people have the gift of "gaydar" and even some peoples' gaydars only work for a certain specific gender on whether the person is male or female. Some peoples' gaydar can only spot lesbians and only some fairies.

An advanced gaydar ability can determine the varying degrees of gayness in an instant with one glance of a person and even rarer a gaydar paired with a semantic ability to read between the lines. (Un)Fortunately a person's gaydar can be blocked or dampened by living with straight people exclusively for 30 days or a month. The gaydar can be enhanced by continuous and habitual gossip mongering and speculating which celebrity hunk or babe is denying or have been seen with their rumored lover(s).

The "gay" phenomena referred by Iranian President Ahmahdinajad is popularly known as people who are flaming queens with long spaghetti dicks and butch dykes with huge breasts are the only exception to peoples' gaydars because all you need is common sense for that.

Homosexuals often hunt in packs

[edit] A quick guide to using the 'F' word

Fag means cigarette. Unless you're a gay basher, or a fag.
A faggot is a meatball. Unless you're homophobic, or a meatball.

Got it? Perhaps not... Basically, the "rules" say that YOU are not allowed to use the word Fag because its rude, unless you are a fag yourself, in which case it's obviously fine. If a Fag knows that you are homophobic, then using the word 'Fag' could be considered offensive unless of course he knows that you are secretly gay, in which case he will probably just try and suck your cock or something.

[edit] Why?

Indeed...

Negative experiences with the opposite sex may lead to gayness.

[edit] Why are People Gay?

Some say that Gays like mens bottoms and cocks, whereas straight people don't.
Some say that Gays are actually lazy straight people who have figured out that it's a lot easer to put your penis up a Gay man's bottom than it is to try to talk a women into doing it.
Some say its a disease, and that 'Gay' can be caught by staying in the same room as a gay person, or by playing Subbuteo with them.

[edit] Why are People Straight?

Straight people don't like to have sex with members of their own sex. The ones which would like to, but pretend not, can be considered 'In the Closet'. A position from which, it can become difficult to decide how to dress. Those that have... Oh, why are people straight? Well, despite a newly liberated generation of freshly aware sexual individuals everyone has to agree that there is still something decidedly anal about being gay. Although women can be a pain in the ass, being straight actually looks like less effort in the long run for most.

[edit] Why are People Homophobic?

"Ill call you"

Some people consider that there is actually a genetic difference between Gays and Straights. The logic follows that both are in the same genus as 'straights' (Homo) with the Gays being the Homo Sexuals and the straights being the Homo Sapiens. As has been noted, this is a tricky position considering what Mr Darwin said and all...

Some say that Homophobia can be freely defined as an irrational fear for people belonging to and identifying themselves as members of the third-sex. Being irrational is when you have a flow of thought, behaviour or action that is deprived of normal clarity, reason and sound judgement. Being gay/ homosexual is when you are attracted and have sexual relationships with the same sex. Therefore, homophobia is the fear of being sexually attracted and having sexual relationship with the same sex.

What about Religion? Well it's not a religious thing. God has been fucking with man since time began, so he's not against the idea. Basically gay bashers are just jealous. They see all the Gays getting lots of easy casual sex and are pissed off because they haven't thought it themselves. Simple eh? So, if you're a homophobic queer hater, simply ask the nearest gay male for sex, and all your frustrations will be removed allowing you to carry on your normal life.

A boy saves a whole country by putting his finger in a Dyke

[edit] Ahh, Almost Forgot, the Lesbian Thing

Female gays have also experienced tough times thought history with the lickalotopuss being the only openly gay female dinosaur. These days, thanks to the friendly feminists and all the lemon aid they drank, women now have the right to be gay also. Course, no one really cares about this sort of thing, they're not doing any harm and as everyone knows, lesbians are hot.

As men and women are equal in every way, men sometimes attempt to compete in gaylick games such as Tossing the Finger, Muff diving and Carpet Munching claiming to be 'lesbians in a man's body'. Although most attempts are unsuccessful, it's best to just keep trying.

Here's the strange thing about the girls though... While many homosexual men would be happy for a straight person to see them naked, when a guy wants to watch two girls doing the dirty there's a problem all of a sudden? What's that all about? Seriously? Come on ladies, share eh? We promise not to say anything!