Horror film

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"That Kid" from all the Horror Films was cursed by Nosferatu for upstaging him during the filming of the 1922 classic. He is forever doomed to appear in cheap horror movies and their endless remakes, for all time, never growing old, never dying.

“I detest modern horror flicks. A well played whore flick is vastly preferable.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Horror Films

“On the contrary: modern horror flicks ARE whore flicks, because they always feature some stupid promiscuous chick who's having premarital sex and ends up getting impaled by a stake, or she's just running in the wrong direction, towards the killer. I wouldn't say they are well played though...”

~ Captain Obvious on Oscar Wilde's claim

Horror films can be divided into two distinct categories: those that lack quality, and those that are not very good. Well that mainly goes to the remakes that are recently coming out. Horror films should not be confused with thrillers, where a character is simply acting paranoid due to an overprotective serial killer boyfriend.

[edit] History

Many people believe, that horror movies have only been around since the time of television etcetera, but in reality they have been around from the beginning of man. From the very first time man seen fire he immediately had a sudden urge to film movies. He lifted his rock and crafted into the first ever video camcorder, and film this fire. He bluetoothed it to all his friends who shat their pants. And thus horror movies began.

The main inspiration for horror movies came from Your Mom. As we all know, that bitch is fucking scary. Trust me.

[edit] Analysis

Horror films are actually quite popular with both sexes, but for different reasons. While the "official" reason is that they can induce high emotional states that later cause heated nights of passion among dating couples, there is a great dividing line between what one appreciates in such films.

Female From the female perspective, the horror film demonstrates a sense of drama and urgency, much like an argument between boyfriends, only much more intense, as this boyfriend is an unstoppable cyborg zombie killing machine with a twelve foot long machete.

It should be noted that the machete is always a phallic metaphor, which the female secretly enjoys. The impending arrival of the long spiky object through a woman's rib cage invokes subconscious imagery of the mating act. The suspense lies in who will get penetrated next, while the viewer watches in eager anticipation. Just so you know, the female subconscious is really messed up.

[edit] Assholes Think

From the male perspective, everyone should get gutted, beheaded, torn apart, and chopped in half at least twice in the course of the film, otherwise it's a complete waste of time. The male viewer doesn't watch such films for suspense, as he knows most everyone will die anyway, and furthermore feels no reason why the annoying brats who populate such films should deserve to live anywhere, in any place.

So with this expectation in mind, the male viewer will shout "Dude that was awesome!" at each subsequent killing, as long as it demonstrates more detail and creativity than the last killing. And unlike the female viewer who won't stop screaming at the top of her lungs feels startled by such acts, the male viewer will often think about performing them on any number of passersby- that guy who sold you the movie tickets, the bank teller, the hot dog vendor who wears those funny hats, the guy who holds signs on the sidewalk and rotates them when he's bored, the guy who wears a bird suit at Red Robin, the guy who asks how you're doing today, the guy who bumped in to you accidentally, the guy who's driving in front of you, etc.

[edit] Alternative Viewpoints

To some sensitive viewers, the question "How could you watch something so horrible" comes to mind. The same could be said of chick flicks.

The fact is that a good slasher film is by and large mindless, violent entertainment. You can turn off your brain, "veg out", and not miss a beat. Just like every episode of South Park after season 3. Our own murderous nature is allowed to exist publicly, hearkening back to the days when nomadic tribes of roving proto-humans would scour the land looking for animals and rivals to beat to death, and then eat. These primal urges, largely repressed in today's society, still exist within us, and such grotesque cinematics provide an outlet for these urges to be recognized and dealt with.

[edit] Genre Standards

As horror movies progressed through the ages we seen changes in what humanity was scared of. First there were ugly people, then there were gigantic monsters. Now its anything politically incorrect. The following paragraph will outline rules that all horror movies should abide by.

1. penis are so cool
2. The white kids are plain stupid.
3. The killer is either obsessed with his mother or with communism.
4. The killer lives hundreds of miles away from civilization and manages to survive without any shops.
5. Although its plain knowledge that going upstairs is a bad idea, someone will go upstairs.
6. The person who decides to go upstairs jumps out a window and breaks a leg.
7. There is a blonde chick.
8. The blonde chick is the only one who will have sex with someone in the vicinity of the killer.
9. There is always one who decides to split up, and everyone follows suit.
10. When the hillbilly comes up to you and offers help don't take it; he shagged his sister.
11. Having sex will result in immediate death.
12. Aforementioned blonde chick will run from the killer, trip, fall and die rather than getting back up and continuing running.
13. No matter how fast you drive or run, they will walk just that fast.
14. Our weapons are useless.
15. The car never starts on the first time.
16. If you drop your keys, you will grab them at the last second.
17. Cops are useless and the virgins are the most useful.

Obviously there are other factors known to people, however it is felt unnecessary to list them here.

[edit] Guidelines

Although we may see horror movies filmed on a movie set and fictional, they are actually very real. Unfortunately in human nature we find the need to capture every thing that happens in picture. There are some people who specialize in retrieval of such material. These are people who don't have lives and hang out in libraries and read newspapers to find hot spots where it has been reported that something supernatural or immensely grotesque. Although you may find this wrong, but when you watch a horror movie it is actually real. Due to most of these occurrences being due to communists trying to take the rest of the world down, by slowly but surely killing off the nation by taking out small groups of people at a time, the governments are hiding it and letting the horror hunters use this footage as movies.

Prior to putting this material on this website, it has been brought to my attention that it would be wise to give people a rough guideline as to how to survive when confronted by a soviet purifier (the name given to those who murder people for the greater good of the soviet empire)

1. If by chance you are black and reading this, do not under any circumstances agree to go on a camping trip with a group of white kids, they will get lost, they will find it a good idea to walk off, you will die first.
2. When you are using a map, stick to it, it is geographically correct. All short cuts you see on the way to your destination that are not on the map are not on it for a reason, the government has already banished a killer there and taken that road off of the map so that no one will go there.
3. Do not go upstairs, and if by accident you have, don't jump out the window, just hide somewhere until he goes away then go back down the stairs.
4. When hiding, do not whimper. You may think they won't hear you, but they will. It is a known fact that any and all sound you make will be heard.
5. Don't be blonde.
6. Do not have sex.
7. When you get some sort of projectile weapon, and hit the killer in the head with it, DO NOT leave it on the ground beside them,as soon as you turn your back they will pick it up and you will be anally raped with it.
8. If you do manage to out-maneuver the killer and put them on the ground, lift the most convenient thing to you and smash their face with it, if you don't its only a matter of time before they get up.

[edit] Famous Horror Films

• The Bone Yard

A collection of the sex scenes of Ann Coulter

• An Inconvenient Truth

Al Gore's brain explodes in glorious technicolor as he tries to explain his mental illness

• The Nose of Dr Verlucci - Gary Larson, 1985

Terrifying and Suspenseful

• Gremlins - 1986

A blood filled gore-fest, featuring more dismembered breasts than a Rob Zombie Video

• Brokeback Mountain - 2005

Really really really fucking scary. I mean really.

• Dracula - Ed Wood - 1951

Classic cult horror in lame B/W footage. Great dialogue though.

• Pokemon - Hirohito - 2001.

Notable for promoting slavery, drug use, and child cannibalism all at the same time.

• Mein Kampf - Adolf Hitler - 1999

The first horror film (along with Columbine Horrors which is based on true events. Based on the book of the same name.

• Columbine Horrors - 2000

Another of the earliest horror films based on true events.

• The Evil Dead - Captain Obvious - 1981

No matter how many times you kill them, they will always be dead. Hey, wait a second...

[edit] Famous directors and titles

• Alfred Hitchcock - The master of suspense

• Wes Craven - The master of horror, the pioneer of realistic violence in cinema (see "The Last House on the Left").

• Uwe Boll - The new Ed Wood, and nuts...

• Tom Neyman - The master

• Dario Argento - the master of jacking off to people bleeding

• Bruce Campbell- Yes he is directing now, and yes he owns the much overrated Chuck Norris

• Tex Avery - The master of slasher films

• Spike Milligan - The master of British thrillers

This article is part of UnFilm The preferred oeuvre of Drive-Ins everywhere.