Horse

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A horse is something you ride, maybe you were looking for your mum?

“I would never ever do a horse...wait haven't I.. ”

~ Oscar Wilde on Equius

“In Soviet Russia, horse rides YOU!!”

~ Russian Reversal on Horses

“Why the long face?”

~ Captain Obvious on Horses
A sea-horse.
A sea-horse.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Horse.


Before we begin, you should all know that horses don't actually exist, everyone is just high.

Horses are monitoring devices created by Gonarch to research the activities of humans. In an attempt to get them to Earth in time for the development of humanity Gonarch's designers rushed the final design, thus making them vastly inefficient. This is why they produce such large amounts of exhaust/manure.

A fine specimen frolicking on a country ranch.
A fine specimen frolicking on a country ranch.

Contents

[edit] Horses in Mathematics

A horse is a stable constant, and should not be confused with variables such as sausages. Only when a horse constant is divided, possibly into mince, may it up as a sausage. Divisions are mashed, and stuffed with other ingredients to form an enjoyable dish, if cheese is not one of the participants.

The only other use of the constant horse is that amount of hay and manure is proportional to the horse. The horse-lovers are people, who are constantly covered in horse hair, poop, and other questionable substances. Even though this is futile, since the horse is a constant and cannot be interested in deals. Furthermore, the growth in rosegardens is differentially affected.

[edit] Horses and their massive cocks

Horses have massive knobs, unlike humans apart from the humans who are hung like a horse but they just stole it from a horse when he wasnt looking. Horses can of course induce deadly dickslaps on unsurspecting people. They are usually the thing the horse is most proud of because sizes usually range from 15 to 65 miles (19 to 7 hectares) long.

Some humans (homo sapiens) consider horses so beautiful that they just have to mate with them. This is where centaurs come from, but if you would like a little centaur of your own, you must be careful to produce a brother or sister for that centaur, or s/he will be lonely and spoiled. Thus, do not attempt to mate with a horse until you build a warm and furry, romantic relationship with him or her, and please remember: if you're the catcher and you start feeling pain during or after coitus, don't get creative; go to the hospital. You probably have a perforated uterus or vagina, which is quite intimate damage. Just be sure to feed and water the horse before you leave, and for sweet Jesus's sake, latch the gate: just as bears and lions can become maneaters and lust for human flesh, so horses can become manmaters and lust for human flesh.

If you're the pitcher, she will probably be thoroughly unimpressed and call off the relationship to go back to her stallions. You mustn't force her to stay with you, because she weighs 1200 pounds and it's all muscle. She can liquefy your balls with one kick.

For information on human childbirth involving centaurs, click here: pain.

One more thing. Jesus doesn't like centaurs very much, and if you don't ask him very politely to forgive you for creating, or trying to create, one or more of them, you can be sure of him executing on you those vengeful chastisements, for which he used to be so famous. He's a bit strange about this sort of sexual stuff. Bestiality, homosexuality. He wrote a book, and you can read in it all about his problems with what he calls original sin (Leviticus). It won the Pulitzer, but as per usual, there's some controversy over the judges' bias, and whether or not they might have been threatened with big, fiery meteors thrown into the midst of the sea (Revelation). The funny part is that he will not punish the centaurs. By his way of thinking, and this is logical, it isn't really their fault that they got created.

If you suffer a perforated colon during coitus, go to the hospital and they will explain to you that even if human males could give birth, and they can't, the centaur would not exit via the colon. That's the wrong canal. If you're a human female, they will explain to you only the latter half of this problem.

Oral Sex with Horses

This is remarkably not disgusting to watch, and Atheists swear by the nutritive value of horse semen. If you wish to sup at your horse's loins, tie him to a hitching post first, because he's probably not going to believe the special treatment he's getting. Do not attempt to deep-throat him unless you are well trained in this. If you are not, practice deep-throating a banana first, and after a month of daily workouts, you should be able to make him extraordinarily happy, without vomiting on his cock.

If you are apprehensive about the taste of your horse's semen, don't be. It tastes like fresh, steaming doughnut sugar. If you have Type I or II diabetes, consult your physician before swallowing. Don't forget to cup the balls. Horses love that, too. They're much larger, though, than human balls, so you'll need both hands to give them their proper massage. Gently scratch along the stallion's tendons, leading from his bag up into his crotch, to his legs. Then gently scratch and roll his taint between your fingertips, the full-length from his bag to his sphincter. Be aware of his tail; he'll swish you quite hard and rapid with it.

A horse's musculature is so powerful in all parts of his or her body, that you'll be able to feel his orgasm working its way down from his sphincter to his balls, and through them along his cock to you. Once it starts, it'll happen fast, and you have two options.

1. You can pull off his cock and tongue-bathe only the tip in your mouth: this gives him maximum pleasure, and he will thank you for it profusely when he's finished. It also enables you, the blower, to taste his semen instantly upon ejaculation. Don't bite down. Just keep your tongue moving firmly and fast on his glans and let him fill up your mouth. You'll have to make the chipmunk-cheeks look in order to hold it all, and on average, this still isn't enough room. Swallow or spit only enough to allow the rest of his semen to keep your mouth full, and when he's finally finished (10 to 60 second duration), stand up from under him, put your lips or cheek to his ear, and swish his semen around inside your mouth. Stallions adore the sound, and it's rare to have this much doughnut sugar in your mouth at once, so enjoy it as much as you like. Then bring your face around to his and swallow or spit his semen so he can enjoy the show. If you spit, do not spit on him, as this will spook him. Simply open your mouth slowly and let his semen pour down your chin, your neck and chest. It will reach your crotch and stream to the floor.

2. You can hold his cock buried to its hilt down your throat and continue sucking on it while he ejaculates his semen directly into your stomach. This will save you from tasting it (if you don't like the taste of hot doughnut sugar).

During either method, do not neglect the balls. Massage them very gently and lovingly, tug on them, scratch them down the sides of their bag, and up and down his taint. This will ensure that he can ejaculate all of the semen he has cooked up in his balls. Do not give the horse a cigarette after any form, or combination of forms, of coitus. It is considered polite to give the stallion's cock and each of his balls a final "thank-you" kiss. These should be juicy and slurpy, but not just licks. And for goodness's sake, do not, under any circumstances, try to suck his balls entirely into your mouth. A horse's balls are, on average, half the size of a soft ball each, and quite often, they are as large as a whole baseball each. One will not fit in your mouth, and you will cause the horse pain trying to force it.

[edit] Defense Mechanism

If a horse feels a person is taking too much interest in it, and it is at risk of being discovered to be a spy it will use its mind control techniques to affect the subject, making them look after the horse, providing it with the resources it needs, but only investigating it in a moronic way. Indicators of horse control:

  • Can smell moldy hay at ten paces, but can't tell whether milk has gone bad until it turns chunky.
  • Finds the occasional "Buck and Toot" session hugely entertaining, but severely chastises spouse for similar antics.
  • Will spend hours cleaning and conditioning her tack, but wants to eat on paper plates so there are no dishes.
  • Will pick a horse/DONKEY's nose, and call it cleaning, but becomes verbally violent if a spouse picks his.
  • Can sit through a four-hour session of a ground work clinic, but unable to make it through a half-hour episode of Cops.

[edit] Interesting Facts

A former person who has had Species Reassignment Surgery to become a horse. Not to be confused with Pantomime
A former person who has had Species Reassignment Surgery to become a horse. Not to be confused with Pantomime
  • The only way to clean the snow off a windshield is to use a horsecomb.
  • John Kerry, Sarah Jessica Parker, Hilary Swank,and Nancy Kerrigan are all horses
  • A number of preteen and teenaged would-be fantasy artists have severe obsessions with drawing horses and horselike creatures. Such would-be fantasy artists are usually seen in Elfwood and Deviantart. This unhealthy habit of horselike drawing is widely considered one step below the obsessive drawing of dragons and "ligers."
  • The act of oral sex on a horse (see above) is also a very efficient method of relieving the hands of frostbite. Simply burrow them into the horse's crotch and hold onto his balls, but be gentle.
  • Most of those would-be fantasy artists refuse to refer to horses as horses; rather, they prefer the term "equine". Although this has been attributed to the focus on political correctness forced by the liberal media, the actual reason the "equine" term is preferred is so that those using the term can raise their eyebrows smugly as if they knew something you didn't. It has been proven that horses really don't care what you call them, as long as you say it in the right tone of voice.
  • Some people even look like horses, in general.
    Image:MAN515097.jpg
    A living example of a cross bred human.
  • Horses that come in the night, often called "night mares" or "nightmares" should not be confused with "night lights" which are used to prevent grues from eating children.

“NEIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!*squeak*NEIGH!!!!!!!!!!!*fart*”

  • A horse will not respond to its name unless you train it with rum.
  • Contrary to poular belief, horses are edible. "Horse radish", however, is not actually made from horses or radishes. It is actually a kind of microcosm.
  • The biggest fanbase of horsekind is among circles of preteen girls. These preteen girls--a species even more harmful than the horse--often show their patriotism toward horsekind by hanging posters of horses and reading pulp fiction books in which wild horses are tamed by the power of love and pacifism. It is commonly understood that horses of this type can summon rainbows at will.

[edit] Horse Humour

  • Where did the horse that needed brain surgery go?
    • The Foundation Horspital
  • Where did the horse go to retire?
    • A glue factory
  • Why did the pony go to the hospital?
    • He was a little hoarse.
  • What is a horse's favorite word?
    • Bbbbbird bird bird!! Birdbird's the word!!
  • Why did the horse have a grudge against his owner?
    • He thought he was saddled with him
  • Doctor, Doctor, I've got a horsey cough
    • You could have foaled me
  • A horse walks into a bar and the barman says:
    • Why the long face? The horse responds "I got the clap"
  • What's a horse's favorite letter of the alphabet?
    • Chuck Norris
  • What do you call a hungry horse only using single letters?
    • M T GG ( huhuhu get it? MT is like, empty! and gg is horse!)
  • What did the guy that just read all the horse jokes expecting something funny say?
    • If I ever hear another horse joke, I'm going to kill everyone

[edit] Famous Horses

[edit] External Links

[edit] See Also

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