Hot Pockets
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“Their disgusting cheese interiors will eat your very soul!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Hot Pockets
“Mmm... Souls!”
~ Hot Pockets on Souls
“Why you so stupid? You not hungry for girl, you hungry for Hot Pockets”
~ Master ReDai on Hot Pockets
“Hey I got an idea, lets fill a pop tart with nasty meat and sell it in a sleeve!”
~ Creator of Hot Pockets on Hot Pockets
“It's for breakfast, lunch, dinner and siding your summer home.”
~ This Old House on Hot Pockets
“WARNING YOU JUST BOUGHT HOT POCKETS! I hope you're drunk or heading home to a trailer. You hillbilly, enjoy the next nascar event.”
~ Warning Label on side of Hot Pockets on Hot Pockets
A Hot Pocket is a lethal device created by Italian culinary terrorists. Disguised as a simple microwaveable self-contained lunch, and available in numerous flavors, the Hot Pocket, when exposed to microwaves, becomes extremely deadly.
[edit] A Slow Painful Death
To arm a Hot Pocket,throw away your dignity and self respect, then simply stick it in the microwave, on HIGH (or low if you have an Australian microwave) for two minutes, or three and a half minutes if you are arming two. Then serve to a mortal enemy, or your annoying girlfriend. The Hot Pocket is designed to, upon the first bite, eject a spurt of superheated cheese flavored embalming fluid directly into the victim's throat, searing it shut. The victim should die of asphyxiation within a few minutes. It is vitally important that you prepare a good escape plan beforehand, or at the very least hire an old scottish train hopper to pretend to be their friend after they are dead, therefore taking the blame off of you. On the plus side, the Hot Pocket will increase their bodies decomposition rate 3000-fold. Hot Pockets can also be used for sexual purposes, simply bite of one end and go to town.
[edit] Making Good from Bad
Between the years of 1940 and 1945 a Scientist simply known as Doctor Mario was hoping to find an alternate use for the throat burning Hot Pockets that had been used as the primary weapon for the Italians during WWII. He was ashamed by his hairy greasy mustachioed brothers, and vowed to make some good from the deadly weapon that they created. He hypothesized that by leaving a hot pocket in a microwave for more then fifteen minutes it would break it down into its most basic molecular form, Pure Energy. Doctor Mario believed that there was enough energy in one hot pocket to power a city for seven days.
[edit] Hot Pocket: The True Story
Cesar Wrote A Book On How Johnathan Stole A Hot Pocket
[edit] Varieties of Hot Pockets
- Regular Hot Pocket
- Shit Pocket
- Hot Pocket Hot Pocket (It's a Hot Pocket filled with a Hot Pocket)
- Poison Pocket
- Death Pocket
- Pot Pocket (Filled with marijuana)
- Toliet Pocket
- Grass Pocket
- Jim Gaffigan Pocket
- Hippy Pocket (Same as Pot Pocket)
- Rocket Pocket
- Penis Pocket
- George W. Bush Pocket (Filled with documents that show that Bush really was AWOL during Vietnam War)
- Pope Pocket
- Diarrhea Pocket
- God Pocket (only found in Catholic churches)
- Yo Mama's pocket
- Flush Pocket
[edit] Varieties of Diseases Caught from Hot Pockets
- Regular Dirrhea
- Dirrhea Stew
- Explosive Dirrhea
- Nuclear Dirrhea
- Dirrhea Soup
- Dirreahitis
- Brain Damage(From Hippy Pocket)
- Burning Dirrhea
- Throat Cancer
- Ass Cancer
[edit] Another Experiment!!!
Wario the Quario, or Wilber as he was never affectionately called was doing a very similar experiment around the same exact time. He however was not a doctor, in fact he was considered legally retarded. He wanted to find a way to turn hot pockets into gold; however there seemed to be no possible way to do this, and seeing as he never passed fifth grade science he had no idea how to even begin. He had been warned time after time that tampering with hot pockets was far too dangerous; his response was simply “Ima gunna win”. After several minutes of thinking it came to him “I got it” he yelled and threw a hot pocket into the microwave for 20 minutes and seven seconds. He then drank three liters of Pepto-Bismol and went into coma, doing all of this before pressing the start button.
[edit] Yet, Another Experiment!!!
You can warm the Hot Pocket without the sleeve, which is use to warm the tasty treat/meal in the microwave, by cooking the aforementioned yumminess in your George Foreman Grill.
[edit] History as we know it
On August 6th, 1945 America dropped an armed Hot Hocket bomb on Hiroshima followed by a second bombing in Nagasaki three days later.
[edit] History as it happened
On August 6th 1945, Mario began testing the hot pocket when it was in the microwave for 15 minutes. By 14 minutes the rich flaky crust had decayed and now a strong yellow light shot out from the micro wave. It was at this moment that Doctor Mario realized that he could not contain such power. Before he could turn off the microwave the context exploded vaporizing most of the city, luckily for Doctor Mario he had a mushroom at hand. Three days later Wario the Quario awoke from his coma and pressed the start button. When the Pocket went off the blast was so strong that it ripped a hole through space and time, launching Wario into the board game dimension were he was forced to party for all eternity… oh yeah and I guess some people died too
[edit] Those Who Use Hot Pockets
- Italians
- The Spanish Inquisition
- Mahmoud Ahmedinejad
- That guy in that movie The Core
- Bob the Evil chicken
- Jim Gaffigan
- Red necks
- Carlos, the Hungry Mexican
- Kurt Cobain
- Rikki Olsen or alternatavely Myles Brown
- HHH
[edit] Enemies of Hot Pockets
- HPEIR, the Hippies for the Prohibition of Everything Involving Radiation, have declared war against Hot Pockets for their role in sustaining the microwave market.
- The United Chefs of France, a premier trade union in the global culinary industry, are responsible for nine boycott attempts against Hot Pockets, all of which have failed. It is believed this is due to French culinary terrorists suffering a loss in the sales of their more traditional culinary terrorism services, which include the serving of snails as an "appetizer".
- Luigi, the failure, has launched a web campaign against hot pockets, mostly due to the fact that his brother Mario once again stole all the glory from him. He was quoted as saying "I'va needlessly tagged alonga with-a Mario for-a years, and all I got-a was a stupid Vaca-umm game."
