House M.D.

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This page is about the television show House. For other uses, see the House disambiguation page.

The first season of House on DVD.

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House MD is a television show currently airing on Fox TV. The show is a medical drama featuring Dr. Gregory House, a cynical and socially inept doctor who is able to diagnose rare diseases while insulting his patients, having sex with hookers, and downing unholy quantities of Vicodin.

[edit] Plot

The plot follows a standard procedural formula, which is to say it's the same damn thing every episode.

Dr. House works at the New Jersey Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital with three other doctors who compose his diagnostic team. Every week, Team House gets a new patient presenting symptoms, and thus a new disease to diagnose. The hospital is only open for an hour every week, on Tuesdays at 9/8 Central.

[edit] Teaser, or Setup

In the setup, a random civilian is shown experiencing some sort of symptoms, and then an entirely different civilian collapses right next to him, yelling in excruciating agony. We then zoom into an extreme extreme extreme extreme close-up (EEEECU) of the victim's body and watch as something snaps, corrodes, explodes, or otherwise does something it shouldn't. The same Hitchcockian violin shriek always accompanys this part, describing the victim's inner panic and fear (see: "Holy fucktarts, I'm dying!", track 11, House M.D. OST) and setting the mood for the show to come.

Then the theme song plays. Jennifer Morrison gets a river. No one knows why.

[edit] Treatment #1

Dr. House gets the patient, and in his characteristic arrogance, usually thinks he knows the proper diagnosis and treatment for the patient within the first act. House proceeds to ask his team for suggestions, largely so he can make wisecracks to show them just how wrong they are. After a reasonable round of one-off suggestions and hilarious bisexual/racist jokes, they come to some sort of conclusion, often Lupus.

House then orders the patient be prescribed the appropriate medicine, and said patient appears to be getting better. But this is only ten minutes into the show, so everyone with half a brain knows that soon the patient will be bleeding out his eyes, seizing, crapping blood, or experiencing kidney failure and then requiring dialysis for the rest of his life.

And that's exactly what happens. Every damn time. House then writes the new symptoms on his whiteboard. Usually by this time he listens to his team's suggestions for treatment. House then sends Foreman to break into the patient's house just to make sure that the patient is telling the truth, and also because Foreman is black.

[edit] House's New Theory

Dr. House then receives new evidence from the patient's house and he comes up with an excuse for his failures in act one. Going by his "Everyone lies" theory, House blames his treatment's failure on the patient's failure to disclose a previous condition. Usually they got this condition because they were a liar and/or a hooker, drug addict, in a car accident ten years ago, world traveler, or emo. Surprisingly, House is correct 100% of the time.

[edit] Treatment #2

Dr. House then bursts into the room where the patient and his family are located, informs them that he is the patient's doctor and that the patient is a cheater/alcoholic/addict/liar and that the must now undergo some risky treatment with potentially thousands of side effects.

Naturally, the family doesn't believe that their sweet little <insert name here> could EVER EVER EVER keep any secrets, so they refuse the treatment. But Dr. House doesn't care. He orders the medicine prescribed against his team's, Cuddy's, the family's, and Hippocrates' wishes.

[edit] House Reprimanded

Usually at this point, the dean of medicine Doctor Lisa Cuddy shows up to tell House that what he did, or his diagnosis, is wrong. (Yeah, it turns out that women can actually be doctors! I was surprised to find that out too.) [Needs verification] House then makes some joke about Cuddy's cleavage, for example "One small grab for a man, one giant ass for mankind". Cuddy then sends House to clinic duty out of pure spite, irregardless of the fact that he has a freaking dying patient on his hands!

[edit] Clinic Duty

This is usually the turning point of the show. Dr. House receives either an epiphany from his mindless clinic patients* or receives a page telling him that the patient is dying and there's nothing that can be done. Usually it's the former, the epiphany. The clinic patient makes some stupid remark about his symptoms which makes House realize something about his patient's symptoms. House then quietly states the answer to the case, prescribes the clinic patient Herpes medication or cigarettes, and then limps towards the elevator as fast as his leg and cane can carry him.

• Note: In recent arcs House is seen widening his pool of inspiration to include other sources, such as erotic fantasies about his boss/best friend's girlfriend/the local stripper, and/or quilt designs.

[edit] Treatment #3

House informs his team about his new diagnosis. One or two of the doctors are usually still skeptical, but they go along with House because they are pushovers, except for Foreman. Also, the oncologist Doctor Wilson has usually shown up to help with the case by this time. This is regardless of whether or not the disease has anything to do with cancer, because he's a slacker trying to sleep with any woman that might be in the area.

House then goes to get permission from the patient's family. By this time they are wary of a third treatment, and when the treatment doesn't make sense to them, they quote to Dr. House some fact that they remember from seventh grade biology about why he can't do the treatment. House then yells at them that he is the one who is the freaking doctor!!! And if that doesn't work, he gets Cameron/Thirteen to go and talk to the family, which usually convinces them.

Regardless, House is doing the god damn surgery. Period.

[edit] It Works

The surgery or medicine works, and the patient wakes up. Usually he will require drugs/dialysis/chemo for the rest of his life. But he lived, so who cares? I'll tell you who, the girlfriend or parent. They may be dumb, but they do remember that House exposed the patient as a mere mortal human. They usually either break up, excommunicate, or disown the patient. That or they yell at House for shattering their illusions about the patient. The end.

[edit] The Show's Name

The show is named House for several reasons. Reason one is that it is about Doctor House. Reason two is that often, Foreman and Chase have to break into someone's house in order to find some sort of evidence that was left out of the medical history. Reason three is that the episode usually ends in House's house, with him drinking, popping vicodin, or playing his piano.

The 'MD' part of the current title stands for 'Must Die', as in "House Must Die." The death of House is a frequently recurring motif of the show, occuring no less than two times per season. A popular fan tradition holds that MD actually stands for "Major Dickhead".

[edit] Characters

The director of House M.D must have more money that God himself, because there are like nine freaking main characters, and even more secondary characters. I mean seriously, I don't even think Star Trek had nine doctors! The three doctors who appear in season 4 were chosen after House conducted a several-episode-long Doctor Idol to choose the best diagnosticians.

[edit] Dr. Gregory House

Doctor House is the lead doctor of the department of diagnostic medicine.

The show usually has some focus on how Dr. House deals with his pathetic excuse for a life. He is always shown to be miserable and in pain both emotional and physical. House takes prescribed Vicodin for his pain which he claims is because of a leg infarction that he sustained five freakin' years ago which leaves his leg in excruciating agony to this day. House also takes Vicodin at the drop of a hat, mostly when he has to go to clinic duty or deal with a patient.

Everyone; Cuddy, Wilson, Foreman, even the fucking patients, tell House that he is a miserable old codger with an addiction and that he needs help. But instead of listening to them, House just pops another Vicodin pill and turns away their help.

House spends most of his spare time riding on his motorcycle, playing his piano, playing his guitar, and thinking up new smart-ass things to say to Cuddy, Wilson, and his team the next day.

[edit] Dr. Chase

An Australian doctor whom House hired under "foreigner affirmative action." Even though that doesn't exist, I am pretty sure that's what it is, because he has no freaking talent as a doctor. All he is good for is running tests for House and scheduling patients for surgery. Sometimes he also tells Cuddy on House, which sets the whole damn episode back about ten minutes, or a day in New Jersey time.

[edit] Dr. Foreman

Also known as House Lite, Doctor Eric Foreman is a completely jaded ASSHOLE, but the best damn doctor that House has on his team. Foreman is a neurologist who regularly stands up to House's theories and will stop at nothing to prove House wrong, and thus Foreman is often proven right. House hired Foreman because he had a criminal record. According to House, "People never change," so this means that deep down Foreman is still a gangsta.

[edit] Dr. Cameron

Doctor Cameron is a sexy immunologist whom House hired because of her good looks. She appears to be a character whom the writers added to the show at the last minute to attract more male viewers, because she never does flipping anything!!! She is too busy playing the moral high-ground to bother asserting her diagnoses, which often are correct right from the start. Many fans were upset that her cleavage didn't appear more often in season four.

[edit] Dr. Wilson

Doctor James Wilson is an oncologist, or a "cancer doctor" who is the only friend able to tolerate House's physical canings and verbal canings. Wilson is not part of House's team of three doctors, but he often helps House to find the solution to cases in the hospital and with his life. Wilson is Jewish and thus the only religious doctor on the whole damn show. Seriously, everyone else is atheist. While Wilson performs the most amazing sex in the universe, he has relational problems in almost every episode in which he appears, to which House suggests prostitution as a treatment.

[edit] House on his team

House on Foreman:

"Foreman, you're a black guy. I can mock you because I'm a cripple. And that's how it works. Cripple beats Black. Owned."

House on Chase:

"Chase, you're Australian. I can mock you because I'm a cripple. And that's how it works. Cripple beats foreign. Owned."

House on Cameron:

"Cameron, you're a skinny bitch. I can mock you because I'm a cripple. And that's how it works. Cripple beats skinny bitch. Owned."

House on Wilson:

"Wilson, you're some kinda Jewish or something. Whatever."

[edit] Ships

Ships (aka relationships) are idolized by the people who obsess over this show. A 'ship' is a desired relationship between two characters on a show. Side effects/symptoms of Shipping include but are not limited to: extreme hyperventilation when a character in the certain ship appears on screen, screaming, fainting, flailing, fangirling, etc.

[edit] Controversy

Dr. House in a press conference.

• Hugh Laurie was arrested late 2005 under suspicion of kitten huffing; these charges were later dropped due to lack of evidence. The Prosecution's argument was that there was no evidence because the Kittens were already Huffed.
• Speculation that House suffers from Asperger Syndrome was dismissed when a fellow Doctor diagnosed House as having the Manipulative Bastard Syndrome (or MBS) instead.
• House suffers a 'lot of pain' due to a missing chunk of muscle in his right thigh. As a result, House pops Vicodin like a child eating M&Ms. This type of substance abuse has not been shown on TV since Rush Limbaugh. House continues to make his rounds at the hospital while under the influence of Vicodin and whatever drugs he can get his hands on. Apparently the network executives are fine with this, because they, too, were high when they approved of this show.
• There is a black doctor named Dr. Bling. He brings considerable street cred to the show.
• House will often cure incurable diseases like obesity, schizophrenia, ALS and, in some cases necrophilia but never revo-necrophilia. (Mick Jagger is too powerful!)
• Hugh Laurie was actually born in Russia, but uses a perfect British accent taught to him by the KGB for all public interviews. He of course flawlessly renders what a Russian thinks a Briton thinks an American sounds like for the show. Ironically, in Episode 6 "The Socratic Method", House imitates a British doctor when making a phone call, and Laurie cleverly makes that sound like what a Briton believes an American who imitates a Briton would sound like to a Russian.
• Princeton Plainsboro's Dean of Medicine, Doctor Lisa Cuddy, M.D., has breasts.

[edit] Medical Accuracy

House MD's opening sequence, before the "reimagining."

House MD is definitely one of the most accurate medical series currently on TV. Praised for its accuracy by professionals of medicine worldwide, the show even takes in mind the fact that in Princeton, New Jersey, over 90% of all illnesses are caused by blood clots, and a flatline doesn't actually look like a straight line. Some episodes are based on real life cases of rabies, leprosy, and dementia outbreaks from the neglected suburban streets of Princeton.

All kinds of doctors from pediatricians to neurologists to surgeons have praised House's accuracy. "It's just like a real hospital," said Susan Cutler, surgeon. "Patients always come in with extremely rare diseases, never the common ones. For example, on House, and in the hospital I am staffed at, there are thousands of patients coming in with ultra-rare illnesses like meningitis and rabies and the Black Plague.

"We very rarely see someone with cancer, or a heart attack. Folks just don't get those no more. People these days should be more concerned about illnesses like meningitis, the most commonly referenced illness on House, which the average American has a 0.029% chance of getting in a 80 year lifetime. Pretty scary statistics."

Perhaps, the most accurate House episode to date was the episode entitled "6-Year-Old Girl With the Ailments of a 60-Year-Old." That's something that happens on a regular basis at diagnostic hospitals.

[edit] To be confused with

Some people confuse this show with a programming drama called Mouse HD, in which a 1337 group of data entry personnel is tasked with saving the entire network's hard drives... using only a mouse.

There is also a series of movies by the name of House (1986, jackasses), but when I try to talk about it, write fan fiction about it, etc. people always get it confused with the brooding doctor show. This is House dammit!

[edit] "House" Drinking Game

Dr. House from the show House, that takes place in a House, with flashy light thingies and an infinite supply of LP needles.

Medical students worldwide often watch episodes of House and imbibe drinks according to the following schedule:

• When Lupus (or vasculitis, or sarcoidosis) is first suggested, take a shot of whiskey
• When Lupus (or vasculitis, or sarcoidosis) is ruled out, typically in the very next scene, take another shot of whiskey
• When the Lumbar Puncture is performed, take a shot of vodka, which closely resembles spinal fluid (extra sip if they use the cool acronym "LP", or express doubts about the safety of doing an "LP")
• Every time the patient has a seizure, do a shot of Tequila. Continue doing shots until either the patient's seizure ends or you begin to have one yourself.
• When they break into the patient's house, chug a screw driver, since screw drivers are useful tools for breaking into houses.
• Whenever Chase's idea is mocked, drown his sorrows in whiskey
• Every time the patient vomits blood, drink a Bloody Mary, allowing some to dribble out of your mouth as appropriate.
• Every time House makes a joke about Dr. Cuddy's breasts, suckle up to a Bailey's Irish Creme
• Whenever Cameron suggests that it's autoimmune, take a shot of whiskey.
• Whenever Foreman suggests that it's neurological, take a shot of vodka
• Whenever Chase suggests that it's heart-related, take a shot of whatever your last shot was.

For expert players only:

• Every time House takes a Vicodin, you take a Vicodin
• Instead of taking a shot of vodka for lumbar punctures, give yourself a "puncture" of heroine, instead.
• Whenever someone smokes inside the hospital, you smoke a joint.

Most players make it to about scene three before passing out, and no one has ever made it to the end credits without suffering liver failure, seizures, or other medical conditions requiring a lumbar puncture.

[edit] Other Stuff About the Show

This is like a trivia section, except it has paragraphs. So it's a Super-trivia section!!!

[edit] Lupus

UPDATE: On November 20, 2007, it was lupus. This time.

House or his team may try and convince you that the patient has lupus. Don't be fooled. It's never lupus. Never, ever, ever is it lupus. Except for that one time, and it just so happened to be Otto. You can never make fun of Otto for that, but you can make fun of him for his alcoholism. It is mainly not lupus due to the fact that House stashes his spare pills in a lupus book.

“It's never Lupus.”

~ House MD on auto-immune disorders

“Or vasculitis, whatever that is.”

~ House MD on vasculitis

“Its always either Meningitis, Meningitis, or Meningitis... Or Super Meningits.”

~ House MD on diagnosis

[edit] MRIs

In every episode, when someone gets into the MRI machine, you know they're going to screw something up. Like that fat guy broke the tray. Otherwise, they'll start screaming for some reason. If a doctor in real life asks you to have an MRI, gain 600 pounds. Then, if they "claim" they can't treat you because you're "considerably overweight", sue them for discrimination and collect millions. Long story short, never go into MRIs.

[edit] STDs

Every patient House has ever treated has had some form of STD that complicated their condition. Every single one, even children, old people who live in absolute solitude, everyone. Usually the STDs are contracted sexually, as their more-than-simple name suggests, but sometimes they are contracted through almost impossible means, like, for example, from a chair that some infected cat happened to sit on ten years ago.

The chances of these scenarios happening are like one in a fucking gazillion, but since House is such an intriguing character, the STDs themselves guide their patients directly to him for treatment, since it is an honor amongst diseases to be killed by the one man truly worthy of completing such a task.