House of Lords
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“It is a pity that being famous isn't quite enough for this lot, unlike the Masons or the Illuminati”
- ~ Oscar Wilde on his attempt to become a member of the House of Lords
The House of Lords is the upper chamber of the British Parliament. It is an unelected body consisting of landed gentry, bishops and appointed representatives of Britain's three main political parties who have become too old and reactionary for the House of Commons. Its primary activity is fighting attempts by people who like freedom and representative government. It is also renowned for blocking a constitution within the UK as well as hampering Democracy globaly where possible.
Contents |
[edit] How to be a Lord
- 1. To be a Lord you must first become a bigot.
- 2. You must have right-wing, pro-Conservative tendencies (though I suppose point #1 covers this.)
- 3. Alternatively, become a bishop. (downside: the hat isn't exactly the vogue this summer unfortunately.)
- 4. Pass the Peerage Really is Awesome Test (PRAT). This initiation procedure involves; A) Kick at least three poor people in the face. B) Then steal whatever cash they have, if they have none take their clothes. C) Give this money to the Queen.
- 5. Well actually, if you happen to know what 2+2 is and like free cakes then pop on in, we could do with a fellow like you, also no one under the age of 82 and a half.
- 6. Congratulations, you are now a Lord. Welcome to a lifetime of falling-asleep in the chamber, dribbling, making speeches that sound as though they were written 100 years ago and being called "the defenders of British liberty" by extremely stupid Daily Telegraph leader-writers.
[edit] The Parliament
Your average House of Lords resident is around 4'2 and has large scaly ears. They participate in many strange activities and wear wigs. They are in constant battles with the House of Commons in giant territorial wars. Last year the House of Lords was successful in taking back the men's room after a battle in which Lady Margaret Thatcher ate the ears of Labour MPs, but sadly 9 brave toupees were still lost in the fight (also 30 members).
The fatality rate of the House is quite alarming with only 40% of the members surviving through an average day.
[edit] Hearing Difficulties
There was much controversy in the house because it was discovered that 80% of members couldn't hear what was going on. Because of this they simply rejected every bill that was passed. Since then, a giant 9000 watt PA system was installed in 2005 to allow the poor old deafies to hear what the hell is going on. This has annoyed the House of commons somewhat considerably however because the oldies have been using it to play their Frank Sinatra records at alarming volumes.
Further problems have developed since the installation of the sound system. Most notably was during a speech by Sir Alfred Pennyweather when, upon noticing the looks of confusion/disinterest in the house, tried his favourite joke: "You wanna hear something really annoying? EEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAYYYYYAAAAAAAA". The sound was so loud that most of the house actually heard the sound and subsequently voted "Nay".
[edit] The Movie
The House of Lords was a movie created by irritated star wars fans who were worried that Lord of the Rings was taking too much money from their god, George Lucas. They planned to come up with an equally popular storyline but did a pretty balls job of it.
In the story Fromo has the deeds to his apartment and is trying to stop his evil step-uncle Gandalf The Gay from taking them. He conscripts a partner to come with him called Samwitless Gamgee. Eventually Fromo realises he's freakin tired after running round the garden so many times and kills Sam leaving him in a ditch. He then throws the deeds in the pond of doom and goes watch xfiles.
[edit] The Band
Fronted by ex-midget porn actress Stumpy McBoobs The House Of Lords exploded onto the scene on August 29, 1997 playing live in front of 300,000 rats and two people in New York. Their cutting edge sound featuring electric weasel and static cling was an instant hit and they went on a multi-continent tour of Nebraska.
[edit] Success
Since their quadruple bypass platinum selling album, Pump My Love Suck in B Flat the entire band retired to a mink farm in Wales, from where they currently control the internet.
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