Houston Astros

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The Houston Astros are a (semi) pro Major League Baseball team from Houston, Texas. Starting out in 1962, the Astros managed to lose every single game they ever played, until the team was drafted en masse for the Vietnam War. (It was thought that a baseball team as sorry as the Astros could easily stink up anything they participate in, and by deploying to Vietnam could win the war there within a week).

Originally, they were known as the Colt .45's to hide their affiliation with the Astros' organization, at least until the PC movement made it unfashionable to have handguns or ammunition as the name of a city's sports team, or violence of any kind (see: Washington Bullets, Detroit Murderers, Los Angeles Drive-Byes, Tennessee Wife-Beaters (formerly Tennessee Titans), and Houston ISD).

Houston won its first official game on September 29, 1963, the last day before deployment, when outfielder John Paciorek had a career day going 3-for-3 at bat with 3 RBI's, 2 walks, 4 runs, and 4 bribed umpires, beating the Mets 13 to 4.

Later on April 9, 1965, the Colt .45s were renamed the Asstros (later amended to 'Astros' after a disastrous PR misspelling) in according to the Sporting News Baseball Guide of 1965. They renamed their Harris County Dome home field "the Astrodome." The Astrodome was best known for its lighted scoreboard, which would frequently display goofy cowboys shooting guns in the air, goofy cowboys riding horses backwards, and to change things up, goofy cowboys wearing cowboy hats too many sizes too big, doing wonders for people's impressions of Texans.

In the 1970's the Astros changed to their famous 'Rainbow' uniforms, but grew bored with this and by the mid-nineties managed to change it to a combination of gray, orange, white, and black, depending on what day of the month it was. The Astros have been known to be severely behind the curve when compared to other sports organizations that change their logo and/or colors once a season in order to drive up those all-important gear sales.

[edit] The Killer Bs

The Killer Bs are members of the Astros whose last names begin with...the letter 'B.' Originally, this included Biggio, Bell, Bagwell, and Berry, and later Berkman, Beltran, and Burke. Unfortunately, this never included Baseball.

[edit] The 2000s and Beyond

In 2000 the Astros moved to a new downtown park named, appropriate for typical sports name-whoring, Enron Field. After Enron went belly up, the Astros pimped the name to some orange juice company and renamed the place Minute Maid Park.

[edit] World Series 2005

The Astros made an unlikely (and never-done or never-repeated) appearance in the fixed World Series of Major League Baseball. Thanks to the negative mojo of their fair-weather fans, the Astros lost four in a row, getting swept out of the series in near-record time.

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[edit] List of Houston Astros

• Moses (hey we need the holy intervention here) (C, 1B, 2B, 3B, RF, LF, CF, P)
• Brad "I'm a NERD WEE!!" Ausmus (C)
• Lance "Beast" Berkman (1B)
• Craig "Where's my Dentures" Biggio (2B)
• Eric "Who the Fuck?" Bruntlett (SS)
• Chris "What is it?" Burke (RF)
• Morgan "Yankee's Reject" Ensberg (3B)
• Shits "No Nickname" McGee (P)
• Wandy "I like it up the butt" Rodriguez (P)...how could any girl ever sleep with some guy named Wandy?
• Luke "DGAFING BAMF" Scott (LF)
• Carlos "I love my steroid I mean protein shake" Lee (RF)
• Cookie Monster (Manager)
• Strech Suba (Bullpen catcher) how can any page on the Astros not contain a glowing mention of Strech Suba and his 47 years in the Astros bullpen? He was there before they were the Astros! He was there before they were the Colt 45s! Strech has been there since Babe Ruth used to be written about in terms such as waif, svelte, lithe, willowy, and sylphlike. Strech Suba is the bullpen catcher’s bullpen catcher.

[edit] External links

• The Rally song to the Houston Astros
• Why Do The Astros Suck?