HowTo:Attract goth chicks.

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You want a piece of that. It's all worth it.

As you may have noticed, most goth chicks don't actually look like chicks (or human beings at all), but some of them are smoking hot. Because of this, you may well feel the need to get into their pants as soon as possible. If so, this is the guide for you.

[edit] Step 1: Appearance

First of all: look into the mirror. You probably see a relatively normal guy (although if you're attempting to attract goth chicks, your normalcy might come into question)

• Lose weight - Goth guys can never be too tall or too thin. If you are unable to see your ribcage, you're too fat. However, if you can see your heart pumping, you win extra points. Also, the angst that anorexia produces is a turn on for many goth chicks.

• Get taller - Take a double or triple dose of human growth hormone (otherwise known as HGH) and if that fails, try wearing heels (yes, the kind that women wear). Goth chicks often find this endearing.

• Grow out your hair - REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY long. If it doesn't touch the middle of your asscrack it's too short. Unless your hair is spiked or in a cool mohawk sort of thing...then it must be at least six inches high, or all goth chicks will reject you.

• Dye it - Dyeing it black is the least risky color option. If you really want this goth chick, bleach it or dye it a neon color. Fiery red, hot pink, and lime green are always crowd pleasers. If you don't want to dye your hair, buy several wigs in different colors and styles. This will make you appear edgy and make goth chicks hot for your bod.

• Get really pale - and i mean REALLY. Never go outdoors when the sun is out, even if clouds are covering it. In fact, remaining indoors during the day and only leaving the house at night will make you seem vampire-ish and mysterious, and therefore more attractive. Never use makeup to pale yourself. Goth girls will laugh at you.

• Buy a lot of clothes - Hot Topic and pretty much anywhere in San Francisco are good places to shop. If you don't look like you're channeling an anime villain, alien, or Severus Snape, you have no chance with goth chick.

Careful now! Make sure you know exactly who's pants you are trying to get into

[edit] Step 2: Behavior

• Adapt a flawless British, Irish or Eastern-European accent.

• Try to paralyze the muscles of your face, so that you'll have exactly that one look on your face for the rest of your life. Just make sure it doesn't freeze to smile. Losing the ability to speak doesn't matter, nobody would listen to you anyway. Get depressed when you realize how insignificant people think you are.

• Start collecting knives, swords, axes, razors, and other sharp objects to use as wall hangings.

• Use a walking stick even if you don't need one. They add dramatic effect. Especially if they're black and intricately designed. You get extra points if there's a secret compartment inside.

• Become a hypochondriac. Even if all the chains, scary clothing, and anorexia hasn't caused you mortal illness yet, you should act like it has. It will make you seem mature and angsty. Silent angst is deeper and darker when it comes from an illness, thus makes you more attractive to of the goth chicks.

• Drink to angst often. However, beer is not an option. The only acceptable drinks are either illegal, red, or have the word blood in them.

- Bloody mary
- the REAL Bloody mary
- whiskey
- absinthe
- blood
- red wine
- poison

[edit] Step 3: Success

Go to a goth bar. Be there for 10 seconds. If you're not yet surrounded by hot, short PVC-skirted, high heels wearing goth chicks, order a bloody mary spiked with cyanide.

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