HowTo:Be British

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This article or section may be Overly British. Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this.

For Centuries man has asked many stupid questions, like "How does the sun stay up in the sky?" or "Is the Earth round or flat?" and for centuries the only question left to be answered is "How can I be British?" Well in this in-depth guide of British ideals and laws may want to make you squeamish, however, it will enhance your visiting pleasure the next time you are ever in Britain.

Contents 1 Being British 2 British Pastimes 2.1 Cricket 2.2 The Weather 2.3 Football (Soccer)

[edit] Being British

To be a Briton you must have the aptitude to withstand it's effects, so here is a pop quiz, if you can answer these as a Brit would, you may still have a hope of being British.

1. If a gentleman offers you a drink do you:

A. Ask for a Beer
B. Ask for Coffee
C. Ask for Tea
D. Ask for Tea with milk but no sugar

2. You are in a very posh restaurant, how much do you tip the waiters/waitresses?

A. Only as much as he deserves, in other words nothing.
B. It depends on how good the service is.
C. You tip him 20% just cause you feel generous.
D. You can't tip him, you have little money from the exchange rates.

3. You are invited to attend a ball, what do you wear?

A. Your everyday clothes - Why should you care about Brits?
B. The best penguin suit money can buy - after all it is YOUR ball.
C. Turn up looking smart, but at the same time suave.
D. Do not attend.

4. When you sing the national anthem, what do you sing?

A. God Save The King/Queen
B. Star Spangled Banner
C. O' Canada!
D. Hatikvah.

Answers

Question 1: D = 4 points, C = 3 points, B = 2 points, A = 1 point Question 2: B = 4 Points, C = 3 Points, D = 2 points, A = 1 point Question 3: A = 2 points, B = 3 Points, D = 1 point, C = 3 points Question 4: C = 2 points, B = 1 Point, A = 4 points, D = 3 points

Warning: The above text contains spoilers. What? Oh shit! I should have told you earlier. My bad.

How did you do? 16 Points - You are overly British. 10-15 points - You did about the same as an average Brit. 5-9 points - Where DO you live? 0-4 points - Either your a hopeless no-brained nimrod or you're not British.

[edit] British Pastimes

A lot of British pastimes involve watching the television and drinking beer until you can't piss straight.

[edit] Cricket

A famous British sport involving men, white shirts and dirty bowling, the object of the game is to knock down the pins behind the batter, doing so will get the batter "OUT" if the batter hits it, try to catch it, if you miss he will try to run for a point. Warning: if it hits the boundaries it counts as 4 runs and if it goes out of them it counts for 6. there are 15 people on each team, use them well.

[edit] The Weather

A famous British invention involving water, sunlight, clouds, wind and occasionaly snow. The purpose of the weather is to allow British people to interact verbally. Had weather not been invented British people would be unable to talk to each other for fear of being perceived as overly forward. If attempting to converse like a native Briton simply stroll up to your targeted conversee and state something mundane and obvious about the current weather. More advanced users may be able to stretch to commenting on past weather, however comenting on future weather must only be risked by seasoned veterans of conversation.

[edit] Football (Soccer)

Even more famous perhaps than cricket is footy, or football for short. it consists of 11 players, one of which is a goalie. The object is to not use your hands (unless you're the goalie) and to score in your opponents goal.

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If you feel I missed anything don't hesitate to edit it.

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