HowTo:Be Emo
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 WARNING!This article is excessively emo. If you suddenly feel like cutting yourself, putting hair over one eye, or wearing only black; you may spontaneously become emo.
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“If you do not wish to hear about disgusting "people" then put down this book, compy or air plane you are reading now.”
~ Lemony Snicket on Emos
So do you want to be part of the youth middle-class suburban kids called emo? Are you sure? Seriously? Well, if you want to be part or this sad and not select anymore... I say, this select elite of sentimental... I say, powerful dictators (like Hitler), you can follow the tips of this book. Stabby Rip Stab Stab? Want to be a self claimed individual? Briefly, pull back your fringe, (assuming you're already emo and are simply trying to make yourself higher up in the "scene" ladder) and read the following tips.
Contents |
[edit] Introduction
Emo is defined by Uncyclopedia (and Heavies, their natural enemies) as an asexual being which likes to cry, uses makeup and appears suffering just to seem “cool”.
This guide will help you to become a sexless whiner respectable member of the gay emo community (Do you really want this? I feel so sorry for you). And for a short time, is entirely free!!! Just keep reading (of course if you can read to this point without crying by feeling strongly... I say, simply offended, you can't become emo). Advanced Emos: We all know that you're not enjoying this, because for once you can see out of two eyes, so we'll just skip the introduction, soon enough this will give you a reason to cut yourself anyway. Too late, you already read it! Ha-ha!
[edit] Step One: A reason for being
[edit] There is none.
It's world-wide known fact, that to date there is still no scientific evidence or university studies proving any meaning to this. So perhaps if you were after a reason for being you should become a priest or something of the like.
[edit] Image
An emo must look like a girl with many gynecological... I say, psychological problems. So this is the second first step. "Our dudes look like chicks, our chicks look like dykes, cos emo is one step below tranvestite" When choosing your clothes,hair and makeup, keep that In mind. That is a verse from the "Emo Song" it will give you detailed information on how to acheive your new look. Sept the Catcher in The Rye part, that's false. I personally read that book and did not jack off. Are you happy now Adam and Andrew, you made me read. My Life Is Terrible *emo sob*......*snaps back to normal* and it's as easy as that kids.
[edit] Dressing
Dressing is very important to an emo, because it tells to the world “I'm homosexual and mentally damaged, but I don't care about your opinion.” To tell everyone else that you want to follow the millions of people who also became emo, you will need:
- Converse or Vans shoes: Branding is crucial, if they aren't of these brands, forget about meeting an emo mate. The shoes can be pink or black. If you find pink + black combos, much better or you can were checkered shoes black and white or black and pink.
- Girl Jeans: In other words, tight in the genital area. So the pressure, with time will make your voice sharper and make your balls vanish, if you still have them.
- Band T-shirts: Loads of My Chemical Romance, The Used, etc band t-shirts to say "I am a non conformist look at my shirt!"
- Long sleeves shirt with black and white stripes: If it has a Jack (not the lifting device, we are talking about that gay skeleton which appeared in “Nightmare Before Christmas” movie) design, the better.
- Black Jacket: If you don't care about the hot summer weather outside, Will the world will care about you? Of course not. Remember that emo is suffering much even if isn't necessary.
- Glasses: “But I can see clearly.” Emos doesn't care. Glasses, even if they doesn't work, are a kind of insignia which shows that this emo cried many times and tried to suicide even more times, and deserves being respected by that.
- Millions of The Used or My Chemical Romance bracelets: They can be also logoless, the aim is covering those horrible wrist scars which ruin your delicate and extremely white skin.
[edit] Hair Style
Hair Style can be the most important thing to recognize an emo. Because it demonstrates that the money not spent in scarfs, knives, rope and other suicide tools, is spent in gel. To do the hair style, you must do a kind of “V” in your hair and letting it fall in front of your face. Because you must hide it to keep everyone else from seeing your eyes and your tears.
[edit] Hair color
Your hair must be black. But if you have a streak of any color, you'll be more respected by other emos (they like red and blonde the most, green and blue are starting to become more popular). But you'll be more hatred by anyone else (that's it, they hate you, other reason to cry and commit suicide). Oh, and pink! If u have pink in your hair you're like god. It's unique and emotional. (The punks had it first and isn't pink a HAPPY color...god u ppl ruin everything)
[edit] Preferences
This is an universal truth: “Every emo likes same sex persons :O”. You can't do nothing to avoid this, only you can enjoy it (is dubious if this can be enjoyable). So prepare for parties where there are many boys (or girls if you are a girl) whose dress and feels like you and you can do many kinds of connections with them (you already know what I'm talking about, filthy pervert!). This came to be because all the emo boys were such pussy's they couldn't get a girl. When girls went emo to be "unique" all the boys were already having orgi's with each other so they had to turn to the other dikey chicks that felt that they were "unloved" till the day they died/killed themselves. isn't it romantic ...no... because they're dead. I still don't know why no one has reliazed it but those faggy goth kids at least know that love is over rated and if you kill yourself for it, you wont fucking have it. Life's a bitch so suck it up instead of sucking cock.
[edit] Music
Everyone knows that emos listen to Emo Music(A.K.A Emocore) like 30 seconds to a Mars bar, Candlemass (Damn Hippies), my chemical romance- Because these bands talks about their suffering no matter being rich and famous. Which proves that emos always suffer. Emos also accept listening to such things as children crying, their mother still yelling at them to move out, their father telling them to be a man or their own tears. An emo's music taste varies on how much mascara the artist wears. Also if there is depressing organ music from the early 1600's in the intro it makes it all the better...er...worse... wait if everything sucks then doesn't ur music suck, doesn't ur whole existance suck.... therefore proving U SUCK! haha i found logic bethces...er *koff* srry, i forgot u actually wanted to join this er...special and uniquely individual *koff*they're all the same*koff* group.
[edit] Idols
Emos need someone to look up to and say they love them because they express themselves, while still saying that they themselves aren't following anyone but their own stabbed and broken heart. Any tranny will do, but most people seem to go towards Jeffree Star. He has pink hair (told u it was the best color) and has had his dick permanently tucked (an emo's dream). They may fall for lower people, such as Gerard Way, Billie-Joe Armstrong or Davey Havok, but know that you have to be willing to fuck your idol. If you don't want to screw him/her (they're emo, no one knows), your not completely dedicated to them. Carving their name into your wrist and posting the pic on photobucket is a huge bonus. Remember to always say you dont cut, even to one of the comments on the said pic.
[edit] Conversation
You are almost 100% emo, but you need to talk like one of them. This isn't difficult. You only have to complain about something. Any topic works well, even if you don't know anything of the topic you are talking about. For example, you can talk about how religious authorities forbids the music you like and how they do this only to make you suffer. Or how your mom threw away your favorite blanket when you were 12 years old and now you want to have sex... I say <insert any manic or depressive comment here>. Remember, if someone mentions that you are an emo during conversation, you must flick your emo hair (make sure it still covers one eye) and then say "Do not call me that. Emo is a derogitory term". Continue to groan and make up a story that your best friend died... Again. Make sure them didn't die by cutting themselves. That would be an emo stereo type. You all must do it, but when asked reply "Not all emo's cut, don't define me by the others."...Then go cut yourself because no one gets you.
[edit] Example:
- Emo 1: If life is so fair, then why do roses have thorns?
- Emo 2: It isn't fair that people point at me with the finger only because I'm being different. That's why God made us different.
- E1: God doesn't exist.
- E2: You are right. We're intended to be miserable for the rest of our lives. Lets kiss each other until our tongues fall dry and bleeding.
- E1: Wait, are you a man?
- E2: I used to be, but now I'm emo.
- E1: You are right. Let's kiss each other.
- Emo's 3, 4, 5 and 6: Wait! We need to record this with our camera phones!
Although not all emo's believe in God some still do and they don't just act depress to look cool. They really are just depressing pussies.
[edit] MOST IMPORTANT THING
This is extremely important...blogs. Live Jouranls make up who you are. They explain why your parents are assholes, why no one understands you, and why your life totally and completely sucks, and why people should listen. If you even get a single comment that someone has read through the entire thing, you've exceeded most other emo's. Kudos...but you don't believe in god, so my comment sucks, cause everything sucks.
[edit] Conclusion
Congratulations! You are an emo! XD Feel free to walk in the shadows to avoid ruining your almost albino skin and cry anytime you see a hit dog or a poor kid because “you felt sorry of them”. Also, go and search for random emo poetry icons to add to ur myspacae and take emo quizes (use the logical answers, like loving black) to prove to the rest of the world (we don't really give a fuck) that ur 100% pure bred!
