HowTo:Be French

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So, you want to be French, huh? Well, I’m glad someone does. After all, look at all the things France has given the world:

• Edible molluscs
• Berets
• Croissants
• Champagne
• Neo-fascist politics
• A different way to kiss
  

So there’s a lot there to be proud of. We here at Uncyclopedia are proud to give you an instant crash course in How to Be French.

[edit] Change Your Name

Most people, fortunately, have names easily converted to a French name. Use the following table to convert your name to French:

Change all ‘k’s to ‘c’s and replace vowels with their accented côusìns at random. And remember to drop e's when you feel like it. Therefore, Mark becomes Màrc and Kimberley becomes Címberly.
If your name doesn’t conform to one of those, don’t panic. Just add “Jèan-“ to the beginning of your Christian name and “de” before your surname. Thus, plain, boring old Ned Smith becomes Jèan-Ned de Smíth, a perfectly acceptable French name. To be truly French, however, double-or-triple-barrel your first name, and add your father’s first name to the end of your Christian name. Therefore, Charles Robert Edwards, son of David Edwards, becomes Chârles-Rôbert de Edwárds Davìd. You can’t get more French than that.

[edit] Speak French

“The French speak French”

~ Captain Obvious on The French

“So you think you're tough?”

~ Andrew Caci on You

Sounds obvious, but actually there’s more to it than simply speaking French. Firstly, it is important to get the accent right. A true French person speaks French with an outrageous accent, but only when speaking to foreigners.

Did you know...

It is a little known fact that the French only speak French when people are listening. At all other times they speak English like normal people

To speak with a correct French accent, exaggerated every vowel to breaking point. True French vocal artistes have been known to make a single sentence last all year. For the most part, however, French should be spoken extremely rapidly and with a great deal of facial and bodily gesture. Specifically, you should look down on everybody while you speak. And at all other times. Most importantly, to be French you must speak French exclusively. No other language should ever pass through your vocal chords. In addition, you should act extremely offended if others, no matter what their native language, fail to speak absolutely (absolu-MON) flawless French. For instance, while travelling in China, you may encounter several dozen people who do not speak French and insist on speaking some other language (like Chinese). To be truly French, you must deride these people and make offensive gestures at them. This same rule applies wherever you are, be it in America, on Mars or at the general assembly of the United Nations. In short, if you are French, as a general rule assume everybody else is as well. Lastly, you must end every sentence with "hauh-hau!".

Examples of English words translated into French:

[edit] Surrender

The National Flag of France

Have your flag easy to remove so you can run up a white one. This also helps when you run up the flag of the country that is conquering you next. When enemy troops arrive, wave the appropriate flag at them. Do not attempt to resist them. Do not attempt to fight. You may form a resistance movement long after occupation and provide assistance to your liberators, as long as nobody finds out, but on no account attempt to struggle heroically against your enemy unless your commander happens to be Corsican.

[edit] Eat Anything

“Now this is what I would call gourmet dining!”

~ Naked Snake on French food.

To be French, you must be prepared to eat anything and everything available to you. All forms of life, including snails, frogs, flies and garlic, are included in typical French cuisine. A typical French meal consists of the following:

• First course: Potage de sauterelle served with pain moisi and beurre rance de chien
• Second course: Les escargots served with leur propre salive and fumier de chat or "fromage mangeant des singes de reddition"
• Third course: Méduses filled with guêpes fâchées Les Américains ont grillé dans le thir possèdent le stupity
• Fourth course: Blaireau découpée en tranches served on a bed of sperme de rat and testicules de singe.
• Fifth course: anus de porc (A la Bedford) filled with savon (sperm)
• Sixth Course: bite le muletier wrapped with rouleaux de papier toilette, covered in cheillmy sauce.
• Seventh course: fromage grouillant, with a glass of les champagne du arsenic.
• Eighth course: Coffee

It does, of course, help if you can’t speak French, or come from Bedford and work for a French Bank.

[edit] Be Self-Centred

“Being French means never wanting to say you're sorry.”

~ Jacques Chirac on Being French

YOU matter, right? Nobody else. Why?
Because you’re French.
The most important thing in any situation is you. Never mind the others. They’re not as fantastic as you? Why?
Because you’re French.
Learn the following words off by heart: Va te faire enculer. Repeat them to yourself as often as possible, then repeat them to any foreigners you encounter, or any other people you encounter. Va te faire enculer is the dominant trait of French culture, and roughly translated means "You are not as important as me. Please leave." Also, remember never to use the words s'il vous plait, merci or désolé.
As a final word of advice, we recommend blowing up a few Pacific islands every so often. Never mind the effect on the environment, local people or nuclear proliferation. Why?
Because you’re French.

[edit] Elect authoritarian demagogues to high public office

Even if their opponents are called “Segolene”.

[edit] Build up a tolerance to garlic

Believe us. It helps.

[edit] Go on strike

Hold up a sign, with something unintelligible scrawled on it, and walk around without working. It's a favorite French activity and pisses the hell out of the foreigners.