HowTo:Be a conservative
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Contents |
[edit] History
How did conservatism come about? The conservative approach to United States politics first began to take shape around 1720 CE as prominent thinkers in the European colonies began to envision a nation for themselves - free from the tyranny of the English royalty, subject only to the tyranny of a then-nascent American oligarchy. Being men of action (presumably with wives of action), they set about defeating the authoritarian government of the time, and setting up an authoritarian government of their own. Recognizing the advantages conferred upon the English government by its close association with the Church of England, conservatives in the newly-formed United States quickly allied themselves with the leading practitioners of the Christian faith in their own homeland.
They quickly found that people could be incited to hold protests where they simply chant the same slogan over and over again until they get their way, which proved a valuable tactic, especially when coupled with playing the blame game -- that they could blame others for their failures and get themselves elected to government. The motto is Blame somebody else, which always works for conservatives.
The origins of the term "conservative" remain mysterious to this day. As evidenced by the conservative party's unwavering opposition to the laws that might protect the environment or reduce oil consumption, it clearly has nothing to do with conservation of natural resources.
[edit] What to do
[edit] Accuse your opponents of running the show
Before and during WWII the master propagandist Joseph Goebbels told the German people that Jews control everything from the media to the velocity of wind traveling through bus stops and hence must be exterminated. The German media was so anti-Semitic that it would warm Eric Cartman’s heart, but the thick Krauts never seemed to notice ("Kraut" is an abusive epithet for a naughty German, derived from their indecent consumption of the impotence drug, sauerkraut). Drawing upon this the media in America, which is about as conservative as a can be envisaged, accused the liberals of controlling it, and hey presto, the American people believe that too!
Take Republican spin nurse Ann "Trannie with an adam's apple as big as her balls" Coulter for example. As the graph shows the national debt went from a 47-year low (in 1980 when Democratic terrible president Jim Carter left office) to a 47-year high (in 1992 when Bush the Elder left office). Was it Reagans glorious massive tax cuts combined with record peace time spending? No! It was the tax and spend Democratic congress of course! In reality, were it not for the Democratic congress's intervention (i.e. if Reagans actual budget had come to pass, as it no doubt would have under a Republican congress), the rise would have been 85%.
When Democratic president Bill Clinton came into office the graph does an downward u-turn. Clearly the evil "liberal" media would give Clinton a great deal of praise for this right? Wrong! Bill was painted as being Satan's incarnate since the very day he came into office. The liberal media saved all their praise until the graph did a upward u-turn when Republic president Bush the Younger came to office.
[edit] Change Your Views to Reflect Conservative views on…
[edit] Governance
Advocate smaller government, but firmly support laws regulating what consenting adults do in their bedrooms, such as the anti-sodomy laws of Texas and other southern states. Conservatives strongly believe that that government can only make a mess of anything that it gets involved in, and that market forces will lead to the most agreeable outcome for everyone. This, combined with a deep-seated fear of sexuality [1], explains why conservatives strongly support the strict prohibition of prostitution in America.
[edit] Sex
Sex is believed to have been invented 6,000 years ago (when the world was created, that is) by Satan. Sex is never, ever, ever right, especially if you are a liberal politician, a black person (wouldn't want them darkies breedin', now would we?), gay, or unmarried. This is closely tied in to the abortion argument. You see, to stop abortion, one must stop teen pregnancy, which is best done by making access to birth control utterly impossible. Instead, one must teach an abstinence-only sex-ed program, which teens are CERTAIN to follow, and make sure that knowledge about contraceptives is jack shit.
[edit] Fiscal Responsibility
Conservatives advocate a balanced budget, on the basis that it is unfair to our children to borrow money to support the United States today when they can be saddled with the resulting debt when they grow up instead. This is why conservatives are staunchly opposed to any form of birth control. Given the amount the national debt increased during the Reagan and Bush presidencies[2], the only hope for America's is that there will be enough children born to cover the debts when they grow up.
[edit] The Right To Bear Arms
American Conservatives realized in the early 1776s that the example of the newly founded United Kingdom was certainly worth following. Their sensible gun laws meant that any one from the age of conception could carry concealed weapons of any caliber. Not only did this mean that the British and Americans felt safer behind their guns. It also challenged the highly competitive gentry class of citizens "criminals" to give the public their services without the need of weaponry.
[edit] The Right To Arm Bears
During the Reagan administration, it was brought to the attention of conservatives that vast deforestation could only be slowed, if not halted, by training grizzly bears to operate a 30-06 rifle equipped with a Simmons scope. The bears had to apply for a license which only 500 were issued, due to anti-gun lobbying. The license was easily attained however; The bear has to show up at any local post office or library branch with 5 forms of ID, a birth certificate, urine, blood, saliva, and semen samples. The ear was then tagged, and weapon issued.
[edit] Legislation
Conservatives proudly support the constitution and all that it stands for. Except the parts of about freedom of speech and establishment of state religion. Thus "activist" judges who strike down laws against pornography or prayer in public schools are typically vilified by conservatives who have (to date) been unable to pass the necessary constitutional revisions to enable federal restraint of expression, or unification of the church and state, thus making a sturch or chate.
Conservatives believe that government works best when legislative decisions are made at the local level, so that the policy makers can cater to the unique preferences of their constituents. Many conservatives are quick to point out that the decentralized nature of United States government is one of its greatest strengths, and that the increasing power of the Federal government is troubling. That is, unless a state enacts legislation that legalizes the medical use of marijuana [3], assisted suicide for the terminally ill[4] or the legalization of gay marriage. The preferred policy is to send these people who wish to die to Iraq, so they can fight for Halliburton’s oil and get killed at the same time. This kills two birds (and one human) at the same time. Of course local decision-making is only acceptable when the decisions are made in accordance with conservative principles.
[edit] Welfare
Conservatives stand firm in their opposition of handouts for those who are unable to find jobs. Most conservatives employ several illegal Mexican immigrants as manservants and concubines, and are always ready to hire more, so clearly there is no need for additional aid to the unemployed. However, it is critical that all of America's taxpayers share the burden of the subsidies paid every year to farmers[5] who would otherwise lose their jobs. But, of course without farmers, you wouldn't eat. So that last bit I added about farmers is a horrible personal attack fallacy in my argument demeaning conservatives. I'm stupid! The whole reason why food is so affordable in the first place is because of the government subsidies and the use of illegal immigrants to keep costs down. But Liberals want freedom for all and the law followed to the letter, and if that means we have to pay $100USD for an ear of corn so be it. So conservatives support illegal immigration labor and farm subsidies so that even those who earn a minimum wage can afford to eat a decent meal of food and then conservatives can look the other way of the law for the good of the economy.
[edit] Crime And Punishment
Conservatives strongly support tougher laws against criminal behavior (especially victimless crimes), and longer mandatory minimum sentences for drug abusers and other felons, (with the exception of those who host popular [6] conservative talk-radio shows [7], those who run Evangelic mega-churchs and speak to Bush on a weekly basis[8] and those that deal drugs in order to sponsor murderous South American terrorist organizations[9] that killed 60,000 innocent people and destroyed power plants, hospitals, schools, bridges and burned fields of crops in an attempt to starve the population and destroy farmers just to name a few of their mindless atrocities[10].)
[edit] References
We couldn’t find any real evidence for our accusations against conservatives, so we resorted to using “smear websites” like the BBC, CNN, USAToday, Wikipedia and the WhiteHouse.gov page instead.
- ↑ BBC report on embarrassed Ashcroft and the exposed titty.
- ↑ Changing national debt according to the whitehouse page
- ↑ legalization of dope
- ↑ assisted suicides
- ↑ Bush’s $190,000,000,000 ($0.19 trillion) subsidies to southern state farmers. No Bill is perfect eh Bush?
- ↑ Rush Limbaugh’s drug trial
- ↑ Conservative radio talk shows
- ↑ Ted Haggard and his his hoe.
- ↑ Contras. supported by Republican drug smuggling and illegal arms deals with Iran.
- ↑ Contra atrocities.
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