HowTo:Change Your Identity

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The action of changing your identity is a procedure usually undertaken when on the run from the law, organized crime, or your raging ex-girlfriend. It can be very lengthy and involve a lot of time and effort on your part. Don't fret, however; thousands of other notable individuals have undergone a successful identity change, and so can you.

[edit] Changing Your Identity

So, you want to change your identity, eh? Well, contrary to common belief, it's easier than it sounds. Follow this step-by-step procedure, and you'll be safely living as another person in no time.

[edit] Step One: Sever All Ties

The first part of any identity change involves severing all ties with the known world. For some of us internet users, this won't be a challenge to pull off; nevertheless, you must be as careful as possible, as one loose end can blow your cover.

First, take a step back from society. Cancel all magazine/newspaper subscriptions. Don't reply to snail mail, and get rid of your e-mail address. Wipe your computer clean, making sure to cancel internet subscriptions as well. And most importantly of all, DISCONNECT YOUR PHONE. Although this may seem a little over-the-top, if you are truly dedicated to disappearing, you will make sure to eliminate all possible methods that can be used to contact you.

Then, move on to your work-related ties. Quit your job, clean out your office of any and all items, dust the place for fingerprints, and wash the room in bleach. Anyone inquiring in your workplace will find absolutely no evidence you existed. Next, withdraw all money from your bank account, cancel it, and remove your name from the register. Cancel all credit cards/debit cards as well: they are an easy way to discover a person in hiding.

[edit] Step 2: Chose a new name

Many people under witness protection programmes often get renamed pretty normal-looking names like: John Smith, Brian Williams, James Jones, or Nguyễn Thuô Duôc. This is pretty boring considering the naming possibilities. Instead consider the advice of the biggest snitch of all time, Sicilian mafia pentiti Tomaso Buschetta who changed his name 180 times during his long retirement, while being hunted by all mafia-related gangs of the worlds.

Another thing you should think about when changing your name is not to take a name that is pretty similar to your current, or is related to your character in some way. Like if your name is William but your nickname is Cool Bill, you shouldn't rename yourself Bill Cool. Right? Or if your internet-name is NOob606 it wouldn't be good to be called Newb Sixohsix for the rest of your life.

This leaves too many leads to people that want to figure out your personality. Instead chose a real bizarre and creative name. This simple premise leaves you with endless possibilities in renaming your self. Just consider our new-name suggestions when figuring out:

Buffalo Bill, Armin Zacharides, Jenna Jones, Max Power, Big Bopper, Roman Roger, Bizzaro P. Icarus, Rowan Mc Dowan, Michael Collins, Adriana ConCozza, Ludwig Incognito, Alcibiades Rex, or Fürst Chlodwig zu Hohenlohe-Schillingsfürst.

Your new name MUST be one of them above, to be eligible with international laws and standards.

[edit] Step 3: Change Your Appearance

Probably the most important step in making an identity change is changing your appearance. You can use any amount or type of materials to do so. Most old-school identity changers chose to wear long trenchcoats, wide-brimmed hats, sunglasses and Groucho Marx style plastic nose and mustasche; but, this is very unoriginal and not so inconspicuous in the year 2007. I would suggest a complete makeover: dressing in a different style, wearing disguising makeup, and/or getting plastic surgery. This includes gender reassignment surgery.

[edit] Step 4: Move

Now that you're a new person, you must find someplace to live. Generally, leaving the country is a good idea if you're in danger of being followed. However, I do know a gentleman who lived under an assumed name in the house next door to his former residence; so you could hide out anywhere.