HowTo:Commit Suicide
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Life got you down? Girlfriend left you? Dont know what a dog is? Got banned from Uncyclopedia? Voted to elect G.W.Bush into office? Why go on living with the gut wrenching guilt when you can just kill yourself, also known as Suicide. With Suicide, you can just release all that pent up guilt and let your soul go free. Fail anything but don't fail becoming a hero. Here's everything that you will need to commit suicide successfully.
[edit] Disclaimer and Last Warning
By clicking on the link that brought you here, you have made a legally binding agreement that for whatever reason, you want your life ended or the knowledge on how to end it. This is not a guide against suicide, but to suicide. Some of the methods listed here may be more effective than others and some may be totally ineffective. Since you've waived your rights to any and all legal recourse, any choices you make about suicide pertaining to the methods listed in this article and any expected results are done entirely at your own risk.
If you still want someone to point you to the meaning of life, there are plenty of cults whose priests will eagerly feed you manufacturer approved thoughts so that you may make the most intelligent and balanced decision on what to make with your life.
[edit] Reasons to Commit Suicide
There are many reasons to commit suicide: girlfriend, life, job, Uncyclopedia, or any number of emo reasons. But you need specific reasons to commit suicide, if you just commit suicide for the hell of it, then it wouldn't count. You'd just be doing so for your own enjoyment, selfish jerk. Some of the valid reasons to commit suicide are included in a convenient list for you below:
- Your boyfriend/girlfriend/mom left you.
- Your wife/mom left you for your boyfriend
- You broke your favorite thing by playing with it too much
- A grue is about to do the job for you.
- Your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend/kitten is about to do the job for you.
- You got banned from Uncyclopedia for being an idiot.
- You just realized that life isn't worth living. (See Previous)
- You wasted all your money on "I Love Saddam" commemorative plates
- You are emo and thus it is your duty to commit suicide
- People on melbshuffle.com hate you
If you just kill yourself without following these reasons then you cannot set your soul free. Then again, if you just kill yourself it would be much faster and easier.
[edit] Methods of committing suicide
If you plan to do this, then you will need to know the various methods of committing suicide. These particular methods have been painstakingly researched and you will have a 99.997% chance that you will be dead. In addition, following these methods will change how people think of you. Some of them will think you are a maniac, others will think that you're desperate, while a select few will realize that they love you but only once you're dead. But whatever you do, just do it!
[edit] Method 1: Jumping Off
You will need:
- A good high building or cliff
- No regrets
- Optional: A cape
- Locate a nice high building or cliff to jump off of.
- Go to the top.
- Jump.
- Do a flip.
- Rinse.
- Repeat.
- Die.
This method has a number of advantages. It's simple. It's dramatic. You can save on funeral costs and have yourself buried in a pizza box. On the other hand, if it's raining, your clothes will get soaked and your body will just wash down the drain. Also, it's just not terribly original. Dozens of people try to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge every year. Boring. (Make sure to do the flip cause you never know, you might get a perfect ten.)
[edit] Method 2: Complete Exsanguination
You will need:
- A sharp object. Razors, scissors, broken glass, or biting criticism all work
- A rafter or other high support
- A Rope
- Using the rope, tie your ankles together so that you are hanging from the rafters in a head-down posture.
- Grasp the sharp object in your hand, and draw it swiftly across your neck. Be sure to cut deep enough so that you get all four major blood vessels.
- Make a puddle on the floor. Or use a bucket for the Red Cross.
- Admire your handiwork.
Anyone can kill themselves by slitting their wrists. A true artist goes for a complete exsanguination. For extra credit, tie your wrists to your ankles to complete the Long Pig allusion.
[edit] Method 3: Jumping off a Plane
You will need:
- Plane Ticket
- Make a Skydiving Reservation
- Ignore instructor during flight
- Refuse parachute and jump to your death
- Optional: Aim for pigeons as you plummet
For those of you that never liked to listen to directions, this is an obvious choice. You get to your goal and continue your longstanding tradition of ignoring the words of others.
[edit] Method 4: Car Death
You will need
- Nothing
- Find a speeding car.
- Wait until the car is in range.
- Walk in front of the car and watch as the car hits you.
- You're dead, nothing to it.
This method is recommended for those people that loathe all the crass materialism involved with other suicide methods. Even the luxury of clothes is not needed in this method. Those Capitalist Pigs will rue the day your naked form destroys their precious sports car.
[edit] Method 5: Suicide Bombing
You will need
- Atomic bomb
- A location where someone carrying an atom bomb won't look out of place. New York is good for this: nothing looks out of place in New York.
- Religious tract of your choice. The Kama Sutra is a particularly good option, but you could also try the Book of Common Prayer or the Analects
- Walk to a suitable street corner. Street corners are the proper place to do anything important in New York.
- Set them up the bomb.
- Yell something incomprehensible in a foreign language. Some possibilities are "MA BITE EST EN FEU !" or "9時から布団4枚!!!"
- Generate a mushroom cloud.
If you've ever wanted to have your passing remembered, this is the method for you. However, it is wise to make sure that before you blow yourself up you make sure people know who you are. You don't want someone else hogging all the glory, do you?
[edit] Method 5.5: Death via Painting in Water color
Painting in water color is an uncommon, but highly recommended method of committing suicide. Body fluids are an acceptable substitute for paints. You do not have to enjoy painting with water colors to use this method, but people who do often have a higher chance of success.
[edit] Method 6: Great White Shark
You will need
- A plane ticket to Hawaii, Australia, South Africa or other shark-infested waters
- boat
- string
- chum
- Peterson's Field Guide To Sharks
- Life Jacket
- Find shark-infested waters. The Great Barrier Reef is perfect, but Hawaii will do.
- Rent a boat and head offshore into deep water. Make sure you pack a life preserver and a whistle ency.
- Pour some chum over yourself and a bucket's worth into the water.
- Wait for the fins to appear- this is important! If you get in the water before the sharks appear, you may die of hypothermia before you get eaten. And hypothermia never makes Page 1.
- This is where the field guide comes in- you want to make sure it's a great white that eats you. Death by blue shark just doesn't sound as cool.
- When you see a big one, hop right in.
- The shark does the rest.
Imagine how jealous the parents of that other kid are going to be! They'll open up the paper expecting a nice piece on little Johnny's suicide, but his OD will be a tiny blurb in the corner. Meanwhile, you get front page with your suicide-by-shark! Nobody will even go to his funeral- his friends will all be like, "Yeah, it's too bad. But this other dude- man, he got killed by a shark! I can't wait to see that. I hear it's open casket and you can see the bite marks and everything! I'm sorry to miss Johnny's wake, but how many times do you get to see a dude who's been gnawed in half by a shark?"
[edit] Method 7: Human Science Fair Volcano
You will need
- Baking Soda, 4 boxes
- Vinegar
- You're going to need to down about four boxes of baking soda. That's not easy, so you may want to try to make it more palatable by mixing it into a milkshake or something.
- Get some shot glasses and pour ten shots of vinegar (hint: you may want to mix some red food coloring into the vinegar to color the "lava").
- Hold your nose and down them.
- Now, remember that baking soda and vinegar volcano you made for the third grade science fair? That's you in about ten seconds when the acid in the vinegar causes the baking soda to release carbon dioxide.
Variations: You can go for a Hawaiian volcano spewing-lava effect, or if you close your mouth really tight, you can get an explosive, Mount St. Helens kind of eruption going on.
This method is gruesome, excruciatingly painful, and dramatic. In short, the perfect suicide method. It's not just suicidal, it's also educational!
[edit] Method 8: Emotionally Disturbing Piano Wire Beheading
You will need
- Superglue
- Piano wire
- Find a very tall building, overlooking a public place. Stand on top of it with lots of piano wire and some superglue.
- Tie one end of a piece of piano wire 5 metres short of the ground to your ankles. Secure the other end to the top of the building.
- Tie one end of a piece of piano wire 10 metres short of the ground in a lasso around your neck, so it can tighten when pulled. Secure the other end to the top of the building.
- Glue your hand to your head.
- Jump!
The result: at 10 metres from the ground, the piano wire around your neck will tighten and slice your head off. Your head will, however, not fall because it is stuck to your hand. You will be found dangling upside down 5 metres from the ground with your head stuck to your hand.
And a record 45,098 people have killed themselves after witnessing a piano-wire suicide. What a coincidence!
[edit] Method 8a: Automotive Beheading
You will need
- Motor Vehicle
- Good, long rope
- Tie the rope around your waist.
- Measure off 30 feet.
- Tie the rope around your neck.
- Measure off 20 feet.
- Trim rope
- Get behind wheel
- Drive to freeway
- Set cruise control above 70MPH
- Lean head out window
- Toss loose end of rope onto freeway.
- Wait a moment...
What will happen: The rope will flail around on the highway for a little bit, then get caught under the wheel. This will rip the rope back at over 100fps, initially popping your head off, then when the run of rope tightens again, ripping your body in half and dumping its contents out the window. Your severed head will be pulped as it bounces gaily about among wheels, fenders, windshields and bumpers, possibly becoming a meat-missile for oncoming traffic. Your blood & gore encrusted driverless vehicle will carry on, bouncing off barriers and other cars. Maximum points for distance between head, contents of body and car.
[edit] Method 9: Extreme Sexual Exhaustion
You will need
- Viagra
- Whores
- A Bed
- First you will need to withdraw your lifesavings (like you'll need it anyway) and run into the Pharmacy/Whorehouse. Aka, Walmart.
- Once you've acquired your large horde of women- take some time into selecting a perfect bed. Temperpedic is for the slow-go, while the spring mattresses will provide more bang for your buck.
- Once you've picked you bed, take the ENTIRE bottle of Viagra.
- Start fucking. Do NOT stop until your heart has exploded.
[edit] Method 10: Overkill
You will need
- Gun
- Piano wire/Good rope
- Portable pool
- Sharks
- Tall Building
- A friend
This method is for those who have actually failed at failing. (I'm looking at YOU, Ann Coulter (And even if you do manage to bungle this sure fire method...well...it's still entertaining ;D.))
- Find a very tall building, overlooking a public place.
- Get to the roof. Remember, use the stairs, not the elevator. You don't want to die from a faulty elevator!
- Tie a noose around your neck, and secure it to the building. Make sure the rope extends to the bottom, so you hit the ground and still break your neck. Alternatively, you may use the piano wire method above.
- Get a friend to position a pool at the bottom, and dump the sharks into it.
- Load the gun, and stick it inside your mouth.
- Jump!
What will happen: The rope should kill you, ripping your head off as you hit the bottom. If the rope breaks, the fall would still kill you. If THAT doesn't work, you can still pull the trigger for the gun and blow your brains out. What? Still not dead? then the sharks will eat you. And if by some cruel twist of fate, you still don't die, you'll drown and be unable to escape, thanks to the broken legs from the fall. This is recommended for Emos, who seem to be completly unable to kill themselves, and Charlie Chaplin.
[edit] Other Methods
[edit] Methods To Just Die Quickly
- Touching a live 220V wire: it causes certain death within one minute and leaves the yummy smell of bacon.
- Taunt Chuck Norris. Really painful, really quick and extremely deadly. Chuck could actually kill you as quickly as Domo Kun does (read below) but it would leave no time for you to feel pain, so he has to hold back and since that pisses him off even more, the pain rate grows as shown in this formula:
[edit] Methods To Die Quickly Without Pain
- Kitten overdose: you'll die within an hour but you may be revived with a 35 ml (1.25 fl oz) sulfuric acid anal suppository.
- Guillotine: effective within 20 seconds. It is still not possible to get your head sewn back on time.
[edit] Methods To Die Slowly Without Any Possible Notice
- Caffeinated beverages (except beer): Once you hit the optimal level, you vibrate so much you slowly disappear from existence.
- Attempting to read a program written in Perl or APL.
- Listen constantly to Conservative Talk Radio, this leads to lack of all motivation and independent thought. Warning: You may get officially declared a zombie and get shot in the head, which is neither a slow nor painless form of death.
[edit] Methods To Die Slowly and Painfully
- Enter someone's ass: you'll get kicked around and die in matter of weeks. Additionally, you may catch a nasty STD.
- Taunt a Grue with a taunting stick. Although technically not a slow death, the pain you will experience will last for the lifetime of a thousand suns.
- Disbelief in Cthulhu: you get eaten last and are chewed for much, much longer.
- Read anything by James Joyce, especially Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
[edit] What Now Dude?
Nothing, You're dead. IF YOU ARE STILL READING THIS THEN YOU HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG, VERY VERY WRONG!!! Go back and try a different method.
