HowTo:Cook Children

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Eat children, it's good for the environment

Children are a most wonderful dish, only seconded by baby. (But since baby is a bit hard to get nowadays--thanks to stem cell research and fat Scottish men--we make do). Children are tender, and often times a bit sweet. Kids are known to be eaten on Thanksgiving, instead of turkey. This helps turkey and helps the world to get rid of kids and discover their great-tasting meat. Make sure you only eat kids that u bathed naked so they're clean. I, myself, eat kids; most frequently, little girls.

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1 History
2 Popularity
3 Catching children
4 Fun Things To Do Before Eating
- 4.1 Stickpoking
- 4.2 Tormenting
5 Recipes

[edit] History

Cooking Children have been a popular means of population control since the primeval period. It is often implemented by elderly women living in gingerbread houses, but has also been practiced by the Donner party.Some child eaters say that the legs are the best tasting part of a child. But I think eating the child's butt is the greatest tasting. It might not seem right but butt tastes good. To get a child's butt find a child between the ages of 10 to 12. Drag them into your home and strip them naked. Then some how attach the child to the wall belly first so their butt is facing you. Then kneel down and eat their butt while the child is still alive. Then take the child of the wall and eat the rest of him or her for dinner.

[edit] Popularity

Child has been a popular dish for years, and is often served along side turkey dinner on Thanksgiving.

99% of meat eaters also eat child.

[edit] Catching children

Catching children is an art form, and in today’s society when it becomes ever more difficult to convince children to join you in your car you must understand and implement new advanced techniques.

[edit] Traditional Technique

This technique involves setting up atree stand or hiding in some bushes with a rifle or shotgun or crossbow or whatnot. Just shoot the child. It may be good to take a machette or something, so if the child is not killed by the projectile, you can chop their heads off.

[edit] Candy technique

This is a simple and easy trap to catch children

Candy, a popular and addictive drug to children, is a quick and easy method. It is best implemented by the gingerbread house in the woods, but can also be done via the ice cream truck. this is when you pretend you are a ice cram man or girl. Once chlildren pull you over tell them the icecream is in the back. Then shove them into the back. Drive home carry the children into your house give them a bath when they are naked. Then tell them they are going to be eaten for dinner. Then cook and eat(However, the ice cream truck method should only be used in the summer months or in states that have a yearly average above 75 degrees, and should only be activated by a child catching professional.) (note: child catching professionals can be located in the yellow pages of any phone book.)

To learn more about the Gingerbread house please consult "Grimm's_Guide_to_Torturing_Children; Fifth Edition"

A compleat guide of folk methods to torturing children

Today's society has to stop warning children about predators. It makes catching children a lot harder. There is a need of implications against the media and candy givers...geeez

[edit] The Babysitter technique

This method is best used by females ranging in age from 14-18 and weighing at least 120 pounds. Simply go into the child’s home and sit on them until they either fall asleep or are smothered. Then take the child to a safe place.

Warning:Only enter the child’s home where there are no adults in the childs home. First walk into the childs home and sit on them. Once fallen asleep strip child of clothes and take bake to home. By then the child who should be about 12 should be woken up. Pick child up and drop him or her in a bath then clean the child. You must clean there butt to when they are naked or u could get sick. Then put child in a cooking tin and seoson them with salt and pepper. The child must still be alive. Then put the colds legs near his head to his butt is siticking up. Then butt the alive naked child into the oven and cook them.

[edit] The Halloween Trick Method

This method can only be used once a year and in areas that participate in traditional Halloween activates, and only on groups of children lacking in adult supervision.

Note: For this method you will need a gas mask and a non-lethal type of gas.

Simply wait for children to come to your door when they knock open the door and wait for them to ask “trick or treat?” at this time you state “trick.” And activate the non-lethal gas (due to the fact that it is Halloween no one will think twice about you wearing a gas mask when you open the door.). Wait for the children to pass out, it should be nearly instantaneous.

Drag children into your house and lock then in either the basement, or attic. (if you lack a basement or attic, lock them into a spare room)

This method allows you to harvest a large crop of children, which should last you a long period. On a good night you can easily capture as many as 30 children. Once your ready to eat the children tell all of them that they ate going to be eaten . Strip the children until fully naked and then cooked as desired.

[edit] The Kindergarten Harvest Method

WARNING this method involves illegal activities.

First of all, find four or five other people who have a craving for child. Go off to North Dakota for some basic weapons training, then to a training camp somewhere in Central Asia to learn the finer points of assault.

Once back in your home town, locate a kindergarten (or a sunday school, according to your tastes) and make a plan to assault the school and abduct all children from the premises. Be sure to wear your balaclava, or you'll have to shoot all the adults.

Which reminds me, don't forget to bring along a number of AK-47s and a healthy amount of spare ammunition. Also, to thwart any pursuit you might want to shout Islamic sounding things ("Allah is Great! Jihad! Jiiihaaad!!!!" should do it). For getaway purposes you might consider purchasing a second-hand school bus. This has the added advantage that you may travel anywhere with your harvest without raising suspicion.

Which brings me to another variant: target a schoolbus full of children and hijack that. Kill the bus drivers and any mommies present, then make your getaway. Simplicity is the mother of success. (Oh yeah, don't forget to steal success when you're done with the kindergarteners)

[edit] The Internet Method

Note:This has fallen out of favor lately as parents teach their children about Internet Predators, but most children, such as the one currently editing this article, don't really care about what their parents say anyway.

This one's simple. Just find a kid over the internet, and tell him to meet you somewhere. You don't have to say who you are. This one works well because you can tell him to go there at a specific time, and in that time you can tell several more to go there at that time. Drag child into your car and drive home. When eating child make sure the child has bin bathed. If not you might have to give them a bath yourself when there naked because there not gonna clean them selves when your just going to eat them. They might also not like being naked next to you

[edit] Fun Things To Do Before Eating

[edit] Stickpoking

Experts agree that stickpoking before killing adds taste and juicyness to children. Metal sticks can be bought at specialty stores.

[edit] Tormenting

Telling children you are going to eat them has a peculiar effect on the emotion hormones which positively effects tastes as well. See the magazine, "Gourmet Child-Eater" for more.

You can also shove them into a bath while there naked a make the water really hot. Force them take a bath.  You should only do this to children through age 10 to twelve. While he or she Is taking a bath get another 10 to twelve year old to watch what you are going to do. When the one taking the bath isn't looking at you jump in the bath with he or she and eat him or her alive while in the bath. Then eat the other child as desired.

[edit] Recipes

[edit] Jerky

Step 1- Clean child of all impurities. This is best done by washing child thoroughly with salt water, and three tablespoons of baking soda. Also, the child should be internally cleaned, this can be done by feeding the child oatmeal with three bottles of Ex-lax stirred in. (be warned it may take the child several hours to purge impurities. Also; note that during this process it may be best to stay out of the room. *Unless you like that sort of thing*)

Step 2- Slice the child into thin strips (you may need a second person to hold down the child, as that they tend to kick during this process)

Step 3- Marinade the sliced child for 24 hours

5 cups Warsire sauce
2 gallons water
3 table spoons Dales
3 table spoons of seasoned salt
6 cups ol’janx spirits

step 4- Dehydrate If you do not have a dehydrator a traditional gas stove works adequately. Simply turn the stove on to 250 and keep the oven door open just slightly.

In 8-12 hours you should be able to enjoy your jerky

[edit] Baked

Be careful! Children are evil and have been known to shove little old ladies into stoves.

step 1- Season the child using salt and pepper.

step 2- Preheat oven to 350

step 3- Shove the child into the stove (Warning: children are conniving little beasts, be careful, they have been known to shove others in before them. Just remember, you are bigger than they are. Use force, and if you can't, there are plenty of over the counter drugs that will quickly put any child to sleep.)

step 4- Lock stove. If your stove is not equipped with a masterlock, simply place any large piece of furniture in front of the door for 30 minutes or until child stops moving.

Step 5- Cook until browned. Baste occasionally. Make sure when children are getting cooked they can not get cooked at the same time as another child because they are both nakid andcould lay on each other and when they are finished getting cooked they are stuck to gether and there butts get ruined.

[edit] Dessert Child

step 1 - Give Child a child-safe sleeping pill.

step 2 - Cover child in chocolate topping that is so hard they cannot move. Put on in plates that have been cooked. Cooking temperature varies from 800-1000 depending on whether or not you want to allow child to wiggle slightly or if you are sick. If you are yet more sick, do not cover mouth and allow screaming.

step 3 - Wait until wake-up time.

step 4 - Slowly eat, leaving vital parts for last. Do not eat inedible parts.