HowTo:Cook While Drunk
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| HowTo:Cook While Drunk (file info) |
| part one |
It's three in the morning. You've been in the pub since lunchtime. You just spent five minutes trying to unlock your front door before you realized you were using your car keys. You finally stumble in, reeking of Auld Tay Bridge Scotch. You know you should drink some water, then go straight to bed. But you're hungry.
Time to hit the kitchen!
Contents |
[edit] Preparations
[edit] Hygiene
Remember: with cooking, the most important thing is hygiene. So before you begin, stumble into the bathroom. Then pick up a bar of soap and stare at it for about thirty seconds while rocking backwards and forwards. Try to remember why the fuck you are in your bathroom holding a bar of soap. Leave bathroom.
[edit] Enter the Kitchen
You now need to find the kitchen. Think hard, you must have left it around here somewhere. Stumble in its general direction, placing your hand against the wall. This will help support you and maybe if you're lucky you'll find a lightswitch as well. Light could help at this point. If things are rotating, try rotating in the opposite direction to make them stay still. After entering the kitchen, turn on the light and stare blankly. After a minute or two, realize that this is not the kitchen, unless you recently put a bed in the middle of your kitchen. A bed which seems to be occupied. By a woman. If you can call that a woman. Man, whoever dragged that skank home at closing time is going to be seriously traumatized when he rolls over and sees her tomorrow morning.
Keep stumbling from room to room until you find the kitchen.
[edit] Care in the Kitchen
If you are single, you can skip this. If you are married, you need to remember that loud noises in the kitchen could wake your spouse, and you're in no condition to try to win an argument with anyone sober. So it's important to move with exaggerated caution whilst inadvertently making loud noises anyway, in order to preserve the precarious delusion that you're being considerate.
Now you're ready to begin.
[edit] Recipes
[edit] Macoroni and something else...
Open the box of Mac 'n' Cheese. Realize that the box you opened is actually a box of laundry detergent. Open every cupboard in an attempt to find the Macaroni and cheese. Great. You're out of Mac 'n' Cheese. You found some pasta. That might work. Put the whole bag into a microwavable bowl that looks like it might fit all that pasta. Damn. It didn't fit all the pasta. Put water into the bowl and put it in the microwave for, oh, say about 40 minutes. The microwave is a better bet than the stove. At least if you pass out in front of the microwave you won't burn the house down. Open the microwave after 30 seconds just to check if it's done yet. Repeat every 20-40 seconds as necessary. 40 minutes? That's way too much time, you realize when the timer gets to 35 minutes remaining. Better just take it out now. Add some parmesan cheese to the microwave bowl. You forgot to take the water out. Oh, well. It happens. Now you just have to eat it. It's crunchy and salty and makes your stomach feel bad, but at least you won't be hungry anymore. For enhanced flavor, use ketchup as a marinara sauce subsitute.
[edit] Soy cheese on Burnt Toast
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| HowTo:Cook While Drunk (file info) |
| part two |
Get some bread. Uh-oh, someone bought unsliced bread. Try to find bread knife. Fail. Find electric carving knife. Wrap knife in tea towel to muffle it. Cut two rough slices of bread, approx 2mm thick at one end, four centimeters at the other. Put bread in toaster. Try harder. Shit. Well maybe if you put the thin end in first. Yeah, that did it.
While the bread is toasting, get some cheese from the fridge. Fuck. None there. Never mind, there's that soy cheese that your spouse's irritating vegan cousin brought along to the picnic that time, but no one ate it. Find cheese knife. Well, just use the foil-cutter on your bottle-opener. Slice soy cheese. Is soy cheese the same as tofu? I mean what can the difference be? Does it even melt? Never mind - you smell burning, so the toast must be done.
Place unevenly burnt toast on griller, or the broiler if you're American, then place soy cheese on top. Melt soy cheese, assuming soy cheese actually melts. Drop grill (or broiler) on floor, waking your spouse. Suffer consequences.
Don't worry if you are eating it and your mouth is burning. That's normal.
[edit] Pizza
Try this beer classic for size!
Look in your entire kitchen for dough, woops, you just emptied every cupboard in the kitchen, oh well, push your way to the fridge. Ah ha!You have bread, that the same as dough, but its already cooked, awesome! Look around for cheese, hey! You actually have some!!! Sure its all green and shit, but that must mean they have extra vegetables in em,right!
Put cheese on white beard, woops! You forgot the sauce! Chuck the pizza in some random direction while you look for sauce, damn none left, oh crap, you accidentally threw your pizza into a bowl of water lying around for some unknown reason. Who cares, you decide its now a pizza soup throw into microwave for a random time, to decide time, just press the buttons on microwave randomly like a little kid, weeee!
Its fun doing that, so without even looking at the time you set the microwave for you decide to further embrace this little kid feeling and decide to watch spongebob.Shit! They dont have spongebob at 3:00 in the morning, so you watch some episodes on the interweb or what ever it is.
Then realize you forgot to start the microwave and you rush to it, you notice its 4:20(hehe) in the morning, fuck it your hungry, so you eat this fine soup and wait until the food poisoning kicks in.
[edit] Huge Sandwich
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| HowTo:Cook While Drunk (file info) |
| part three |
Open fridge, and lean on door while contemplating contents. Continue for up to ten minutes. Decide that you'd like a huge sandwich like Scooby-Doo or Dagwood Bumstead always has. Look for baguette, fail to find one. Use frozen garlic loaf instead. Cut length ways. Look in horror as bits of frozen garlic bread go everywhere. Painstakingly reassemble bits using toothpicks. Now we're in business!
Assemble filling - some lettuce leaves, some pastrami, some hot sauce, some pickles, some tomato slices... uh oh. Is that red stuff on the chopping board tomato juice, or did you cut yourself? You don't feel any pain, but you're pretty well anesthetized... never mind, if you get some blood on your sandwich it's just extra protein, isn't it? Or vitamin D or whatever blood is made of. Where were you? Oh, yeah, cold chicken, mayo, bok choy, hummus... wow, everything looks kind of funny... mango salsa, salami... like kind of monochrome, you know, all black and white and your ears are ringing. You now realise that was blood in your sandwich, you appear to have cut off your entire thumb in the sandwich making process. Not to fear. Pass out standing up and leaning on the side. This will add a special ingrediant to your super sarny. Drool. Come round in about 5 mins. Dont bother trying to cut more bread. Instead, just place you head and mouth in general direction of said contents of sarny and proceed to "munch".
[edit] Cake
Preheat oven to whatever seems appropriate. Get packet of cake mix. Try to focus on instructions on packet of cake mix. Hold a hand over one eye, so you stop seeing double. Ah! There you go. Gather ingredients. Realize that you don't have butter, decide that mashed potatoes has similar consistency. Realize that you have no milk, use beer. Realize you have no eggs, improvise egg substitute from wheat-bix soaked in milk. Shit. Looks like you did have milk, after all. Too late now. Attempt to grease a 30cm (12 in.) cake tin. Remember that you have no butter. Grease tin with garlic flavored stir-fry spray. Mix ingredients in what you hope is a bowl, then pour batter into tin. Cook until bored. Eat immediately, regret soon after.
[edit] Two Types of Leftovers
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| HowTo:Cook While Drunk (file info) |
| part four |
Right, you've learned from your mistakes. No more complicated meals. Just have that leftover pizza. Or maybe that Chinese takeaway. The pizza looks kind of inviting... but it's just plain cheese, and you want something spicier... hey, wait a minute, why not, like, put the chow mien on top of the pizza, and put it in the microwave?
Mmm... not bad, but it needs a little something... got it! Potato salad! But wait, the potato salad is cold. You could put it on top of the pizza-mien and microwave it, but then the chow mein will be too hot and the pizza base will go soggy. You'd better fry the potato salad separately. Crap, where's the fry pan? Oh, well, you can always use that pressure cooker you got as a wedding present and never used.
Place potato salad in pressure cooker and place on high heat. Get bored, and finally forget about the potatoes. Finish chow mein pizza, which is now cold. Go to bed. Awake early next morning to sounds of spousal screaming coming from kitchen. Hide under pillows. Await inevitable.
[edit] Cheese and Mushroom Omelet
Break three eggs into mixing bowl, miraculously not getting any eggshell in the mix. Add a dash of milk, pepper and herbs to taste. Do not add salt to uncooked eggs, as this can make them tough. Beat eggs until light and fluffy. Slice 4-5 medium mushrooms. Heat a tablespoon of butter or margarine in a frying pan or skillet, then fry mushrooms until brown. Remove mushrooms from butter.
Turn down heat and add egg mixture, occasionally lifting edges with a spatula. When nearly cooked through, place mushrooms and cheese on top. Put under a hot grill, until cheese has melted. When cooked, fold over and turn onto a plate. Marvel at how well the omelette has turned out, even though you're hammered. Take omelet to TV room and sit down in favourite chair. Remember that you left your drink in the kitchen. Balance plate on armrest of chair while you get your drink. Return with drink, and sit down, overturning the omelette into the chair. Contemplate hot cheese congealing on your best trousers. Sob uncontrollably.
[edit] Cleaning Up
Don't. It will just make matters worse. Just make a note to buy flowers on your way home from work tomorrow hope that your spouse... HOLY SHIT! WORK! You're due at the office in three hours! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!
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